Foundations of Jewish Life: Parents and Teachers

(12) Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land that the Eternal your God is assigning to you.

(3) You shall each revere his mother and his father, and keep My sabbaths: I the Eternal am your God.

"A man, his mother and his father you shall fear": I might think that if his father or mother told him to transgress one of the mitzvoth of the Torah he should heed them; it is, therefore, written "and My Sabbaths you shall keep" — You are all obliged to honor Me. (Vayikra 19:4) "Do not turn to the idols (elilim)": Do not turn to serve them (in thought). R. Yehudah says: Do not turn to scrutinize them.

And so too, the equating of one’s attitude toward his parents to his attitude toward God is a logical derivation, as the three of them are partners in his creation. As the Sages taught: There are three partners in the forming of a person: The Holy Bountiful One, who provides the soul, and his father and his mother. When a person honors his father and mother, the Holy Bountiful One says: I ascribe credit to them as if I dwelt between them and they honor Me as well.

The Sages raised a dilemma before Rav Ulla: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother?

Rav Ulla said to them: Go and see what one gentile did in Ashkelon, and his name was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages sought to purchase merchandise [perakmatya] from him for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, but the key for the container in which the merchandise was kept was placed under his father’s head, and he was sleeping at the time. And Dama ben Netina would not disturb his father by waking him, although he could have made a substantial profit.

Rav Yehuda says that Shmuel says: They asked Rabbi Eliezer: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother?

Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Go and see what one gentile did for his father in Ashkelon, and the name of the son was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages wished to purchase precious stones from him for the ephod of the High Priest for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, and Rav Kahana taught that it was eight hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit. And the key to the chest holding the jewels was placed under his father’s head, and he would not disturb him. The next year the Holy Bountiful One gave Dama ben Netina his reward, as a red heifer was born in his herd, and the Jews needed it. When the Sages of Israel came to him he said to them: I know, concerning you, that if I were to ask for all the money in the world you would give it to me. But I ask only that money that I lost due to the honor of a father.

And Rabbi Ḥanina says: And if this is related about one who is not commanded by the Torah to honor his father, as Dama was a gentile, and nevertheless when he performs the mitzva he is given this great reward, all the more so is one rewarded who is commanded to fulfill a mitzva and performs it. As Rabbi Ḥanina says: Greater is one who is commanded to do a mitzva and performs it than one who is not commanded to do a mitzva and performs it.

When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon] of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.

Avimi, son of Rabbi Abbahu, taught: There is a type of son who feeds his father pheasant [pasyonei] and yet this behavior causes him to be removed from the World, i.e., the World-to-Come; and there is one who makes him grind with a millstone, which is difficult work, and this action brings him to the life of the World-to-Come.

Rabbi Abbahu said: One such as Avimi, my son, properly fulfilled the mitzva of honoring his parents. The Gemara relates: Avimi had five sons during his father’s lifetime who were ordained to issue halakhic rulings, and he too was ordained. And yet when Rabbi Abbahu, his father, came and called at the gate to enter, Avimi would himself run and go to open the door for him. And before he arrived there, he would already say: Yes, yes, so that his father would not think that he was being ignored.

MISHNA: If one finds his lost item and his father’s lost item, tending to his own lost item takes precedence.

Similarly, if one finds his lost item and his teacher’s lost item, tending to his own lost item takes precedence.

If one finds his father’s lost item and his teacher’s lost item, tending to his teacher’s lost item takes precedence, as his father brought him into this world, and his teacher, who taught him the wisdom of Torah, brings him to life in the World-to-Come.

And if his father is a Torah scholar, then his father’s lost item takes precedence.

(10) If one's father or mother has become mentally disordered, he should make an effort to behave toward them according to their state of mind until they will be shown mercy [and get cured]. But if he is unable to endure the strain any longer, because they have become utterly insane, he may leave them and go elsewhere, charging others to take proper care of them.

Do not speak to your father in that manner, where you tell him directly that he is mistaken. Rather, raise the matter in a circumspect manner, as it is taught in a baraita: In a case where one’s father was violating Torah matters he should not say to him: Father, you violated Torah matters. Rather, he should say to him: Father, it is written so in the Torah. The Gemara asks: Ultimately, isn’t this formulation identical to that previous formulation? In both cases he embarrasses his father. Rather, say to him: Father, there is a verse written in the Torah and this is what it says. Tell him the halakha or the verse in a way in which it is not obvious that it relates to the action that his father performed.

§ Elazar ben Matya says: If my father says: Give me water, and there is a mitzva for me to perform at the same time, I set aside the honor of my father and perform the mitzva, as my father and I are both obligated in the mitzva.

Isi ben Yehuda says: If it is possible for this mitzva to be performed by others, let it be performed by others, and he should go and attend to the honor due to his father, as the honor of his father is his obligation alone.

Rav Mattana says: The halakha with regard to this matter is in accordance with the opinion of Isi ben Yehuda.

Rav Yitzḥak bar Sheila says that Rav Mattana says that Rav Ḥisda says: With regard to a father who forgoes his honor, his honor is forgone, and his son does not transgress if he does not treat him in the proper manner. By contrast, with regard to a rabbi who forgoes his honor, his honor is not forgone.

(8) Now, my son, listen carefully as I instruct you. (9) Go to the flock and fetch me two choice kids, and I will make of them a dish for your father, such as he likes. (10) Then take it to your father to eat, in order that he may bless you before he dies.” (11) Jacob answered his mother Rebekah, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man and I am smooth-skinned. (12) If my father touches me, I shall appear to him as a trickster and bring upon myself a curse, not a blessing.” (13) But his mother said to him, “Your curse, my son, be upon me! Just do as I say and go fetch them for me.”

(1) Even as a man is under command to honor his father and fear him, so is he obliged to honor his master, but fear him yet more than his father; his father brought him to life upon this world but his master who taught him wisdom, brings him to life in the world to come.

If he chances upon a lost article of his father and a lost article of his master, reclaiming that of his master precedes the one of his father.

If his father and his master are burdened with a load, he should unburden the load of his master first and then that of his father.

If his father and his master be incarcerated in a prison, he should free the master first and afterward free his father.

If his father was a disciple of the wise, he should free his father first. Likewise if his father be a disciple of the wise, even though not weighty alongside his master, he should reclaim the lost article of his father first and after that reclaim the lost article of his master.

There is no honor greater than the honor due a master, nor awe greater than the awe due a master. The sages said: "The awe of thy master is likened to the awe of the One Who is in heaven." (Pirke Abot, 4.15).

They have, therefore, said: "He who differs with his master is likened unto one who differs with the Shekinah, even as it is said: 'When they strove against God'" (Num. 26.9; Sanhedrin, 110a).

Whosoever strives with his master is like unto one who strives against the Shekinah, even as it is said: "Where the children of Israel strove with the Eternal and God was sanctified in them" (Ibid. 20.13); and whosoever murmurs against his master is like unto one who murmurs against the Eternal, even as it is said: "Your murmurs are not against us, but against the Lord" (Ex. 16.8); and whosoever has suspicious thoughts against his master is like unto one who has suspicious thoughts against the Shekinah, as it is said: "And the people spoke against God and against Moses" (Num. 25).

A student is forbidden to call his master by name even out of his presence, provided the name be of note that whosoever hears it will know that it is he; neither should he mention his name in his presence, nor even call others whose name are identical with the name of his master, even as one does with respect to the name of his father; but he should always refer to them with a pseudonym even after their demise.

He must not salute his master or return salutation in a manner companions give and return among themselves. The manner to salute a master is to bow before him and say to him in tones of awe and respect: "Peace be unto thee, my master!" If his master saluted him first, he should answer him: "Peace be unto thee, my lord and my teacher.

So should he not remove his phylacteries in the presence of his master, and not lean but sit as if he were sitting in the presence of a king.

He should not pray in front of his master, back of his master, or by the side of his master; needless to say, that he is forbidden to walk beside him. But he should distance himself behind his master, yet not straight back of him, when after he may pray.

He should not enter a bath-house together with his master, and not sit in his master's place, and neither decide an argument in his favor when he is present nor destroy his argument.

He should not sit in his presence until he will tell him to sit down, nor stand up before him until he will tell him to stand up or until he will obtain permission to stand up.

When he is to take leave from his master he should not turn around with his back to his master, but step backwards, his face toward his master's face.