Why do we do THAT? Exploration of minhagim (customs) related to Illness and Marriage
"One should not believe in superstitions, but still it is best to be heedful of them..." - Sefer Hasidim (Book of the Pious) 13th c. Germany
Why do we offer a mishaberach (healing prayer) and how should it be done?
וַיִּצְעַ֣ק מֹשֶׁ֔ה אֶל־יְהֹוָ֖ה לֵאמֹ֑ר אֵ֕ל נָ֛א רְפָ֥א נָ֖א לָֽהּ׃ {פ}

So Moses cried out to the LORD, saying, “O God, pray heal her!”

Do we need to recite a person's name out loud or from a list?
  1. Berachot 34a “If one prays on behalf of his fellow, he need no mention his name, since it says ‘Heal her now, Oh God, I beseech Thee’ and he did not mention the name of Miriam”
  1. Zohar (Vayishlach) “Deliver me, I pray, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau (Genesis 32:12)”
  1. Maharikash: the name of the sick person is not mentioned in the prayer for healing
4. Tur: “a person’ name might be the cause of good and bad.”
5. Zohar: “the name of a sick person sometimes can invoke the attribute of justice (midat hadin). And it is therefore that prayer without mentioning his name is more desireable and acceptable.”
Changing One's Name to Promote Healing
In Parshas Vayishlach, the Torah records the story of Yakov’s battle with the angel of Eisav. At the conclusion of the battle, Yakov demands a blessing from the angel. After being told that the name of his nemesis is Yakov, the angel blesses him by saying that he will now be called Yisrael, a more appropriate name for one who has defeated an angel. This incident provides an appropriate backdrop to the issue of people changing their names in general.
The Power of a Name

מְנָא לַן דִּשְׁמָא גָּרֵים? אָמַר רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֶר, דְּאָמַר קְרָא: ״לְכוּ חֲזוּ מִפְעֲלוֹת ה׳ אֲשֶׁר שָׂם שַׁמּוֹת בָּאָרֶץ״, אֶל תִּקְרֵי ״שַׁמּוֹת״ אֶלָּא ״שֵׁמוֹת״.

Regarding the basic assumption that these homiletic interpretations of names are allusions to one’s future, the Gemara asks: From where do we derive that the name affects one’s life? Rabbi Eliezer said that the verse says: “Go, see the works of the Lord, who has made desolations [shamot] upon the earth” (Psalms 46:9). Do not read the word as shamot, rather as shemot, names. The names given to people are, therefore, “the works of the Lord upon the earth.”

This text teaches that one’s name can determine his lot in life
וְאָמַר רַבִּי יִצְחָק אַרְבָּעָה דְּבָרִים מְקָרְעִין גְּזַר דִּינוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם אֵלּוּ הֵן צְדָקָה צְעָקָה שִׁינּוּי הַשֵּׁם וְשִׁינּוּי מַעֲשֶׂה צְדָקָה דִּכְתִיב וּצְדָקָה תַּצִּיל מִמָּוֶת צְעָקָה דִּכְתִיב וַיִּצְעֲקוּ אֶל ה׳ בַּצַּר לָהֶם וּמִמְּצוּקוֹתֵיהֶם יוֹצִיאֵם שִׁינּוּי הַשֵּׁם דִּכְתִיב שָׂרַי אִשְׁתְּךָ לֹא תִקְרָא אֶת שְׁמָהּ שָׂרָי כִּי שָׂרָה שְׁמָהּ וּכְתִיב וּבֵרַכְתִּי אוֹתָהּ וְגַם נָתַתִּי מִמֶּנָּה לְךָ בֵּן שִׁינּוּי מַעֲשֶׂה דִּכְתִיב וַיַּרְא הָאֱלֹהִים אֶת מַעֲשֵׂיהֶם וּכְתִיב וַיִּנָּחֶם הָאֱלֹהִים עַל הָרָעָה אֲשֶׁר דִּבֶּר לַעֲשׂוֹת לָהֶם וְלֹא עָשָׂה וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים אַף שִׁינּוּי מָקוֹם דִּכְתִיב וַיֹּאמֶר ה׳ אֶל אַבְרָם לֶךְ לְךָ מֵאַרְצְךָ וַהֲדַר וְאֶעֶשְׂךָ לְגוֹי גָּדוֹל וְאִידַּךְ הָהוּא זְכוּתָא דְּאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל הוּא דְּאַהַנְיָא לֵיהּ

And Rabbi Yitzḥak said: A person’s sentence is torn up on account of four types of actions. These are: Giving charity, crying out in prayer, a change of one’s name, and a change of one’s deeds for the better. An allusion may be found in Scripture for all of them: Giving charity, as it is written: “And charity delivers from death” (Proverbs 10:2); crying out in prayer, as it is written: “Then they cry to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses” (Psalms 107:28); a change of one’s name, as it is written: “As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be” (Genesis 17:15), and it is written there: “And I will bless her, and I will also give you a son from her” (Genesis 17:16); a change of one’s deeds for the better, as it is written: “And God saw their deeds” (Jonah 3:10), and it is written there: “And God repented of the evil, which He had said He would do to them, and He did not do it” (Jonah 3:10).

Similarly, a person who is quite ill can have his or her name legally changed, again as misdirection to fool the angel of death.
(Yoreh Deah 338:10) records the custom to change the name of a dangerously ill person in an attempt to change the decree against him and save his life.
The Sefer Chasidim (245) records that some have the practice to sell the patient to a different family rather than change his name. The logic for this custom is that we are concerned that there has been a decree that the son of a particular person should die, and by changing the family that the patient belongs to, he is no longer the son of that person.
Reasons to Change One's Name
1) If a patient is sick with a serious illness, his or her name is changed.
2) Some say that a name cannot be changed by ordinary people, but only by someone of special qualities. But this is only to change the first and principle name. But if a name is merely being added, anyone can do it.
3) When changing a man’s name, the usual custom is to name him Chayim, Shalom, Rephael, Azriel, and the like; this serves as an auspicious omen that he will be recover from his illness.
4) When changing a woman’s name, some say that the name should not be changed to Rachel, Bas Sheva, Tamar, or Leah; instead, the name should be changed to Chanah, Sarah, or Yocheved.
5) When changing a name, the added name becomes the first name. However, if he does not recover from the illness, then, when his sons are called up to the Torah, the original name should be mentioned before the added name.
Changing or Adding to One's Name?
Sefer Ta’amei Haminhagim cites the Sefer Rachamei Ha’av who states that not just anybody may change the name of a sick person. Only one whose actions are based in ruach hakodesh may give a person a different name than the one he was given at birth. The logic for this ruling is that a name has tremendous significance in determining the life of a person. Indeed, taking away his old name may cut off his very lifeline. For this reason, the common custom is not to take away the name that a person was given at birth, but to add a different name to the name he already has.
If someone has been married to his wife for ten years, and she has failed to produce a child, some say that her name should be changed, and that this will help her to conceive.
How do we keep the demons away?
“By the Middle Ages, it was believed that you had 10,000 demons on your right hand and 100,000 demons on your left hand,” he said. “You’re constantly in a battle with demons. And the Hamsa is a Middle Eastern symbol, an eye in the hand, and the eye is supposed to ward off the evil spirit.”
Hence, many superstitions are intended to confuse, mollify or offer up treats (like a jar of Smucker’s strawberry jam) to the evil spirits.
בֵּי פִרְחֵי — רוּחֵי. דְּבֵי זַרְדְּתָא — שֵׁידָא. דְּבֵי אִיגָּרֵי — רִישְׁפֵּי. לְמַאי נָפְקָא מִינַּהּ? לִקְמִיעָא.
The Gemara comments: The demons near the caper-bush are called ruḥei. A demon found near the sorb trees is called shida. The demons found on roofs are called rishfei. The Gemara asks: What is the practical difference of these definitions? It makes a difference for writing an amulet on behalf of one who has been harmed. It is necessary to know the name of the demon who caused the damage.
Amulets
An amulet is an object, often a charm or piece of jewelry, that is believed to possess certain magical powers of protection.
References to amulets are found throughout the Talmud, which suggests that the practice of keeping them was a common one. One talmudic passage suggests that amulets were used by ancient rabbis to repel demons. The Talmud even states that one may carry an amulet in public on Shabbat — normally a forbidden practice — provided it was made by an “expert.” The Talmud goes on to state that an effective amulet is one that has healed a person three times, whether it is a written amulet or one made of herbs, and whether the person was seriously ill or just moderately ill.

(ב) לא יצא האיש בסנדל המסמר, ולא ביחיד בזמן שאין ברגלו מכה, ולא בתפלין, ולא בקמיע בזמן שאינו מן הממחה, ולא בשריון, ולא בקסדא, ולא במגפים. ואם יצא, אינו חיב חטאת.

(2) A man may not go out with nail-studded sandals, nor with a single [sandal] unless he has a wound on [the other] foot. A [man may not go out] with Tefillin; nor with an amulet unless it [was written] by an expert; nor with a cuirass, nor with a helmet, nor with greaves. If one has gone out [with any of these] he is not liable for a Chattat.

ולא בקמיע בזמן שאינו מן המומחה: אמר רב פפא לא תימא עד דמומחה גברא ומומחה קמיע אלא כיון דמומחה גברא אף על גב דלא מומחה קמיע דיקא נמי דקתני ולא בקמיע בזמן שאינו מן המומחה ולא קתני בזמן שאינו מומחה ש"מ: ת"ר איזהו קמיע מומחה כל שריפא ושנה ושלש אחד קמיע של כתב ואחד קמיע של עיקרין אחד חולה שיש בו סכנה ואחד חולה שאין בו סכנה לא שנכפה אלא שלא יכפה וקושר ומתיר אפילו ברה"ר ובלבד שלא יקשרנו

"nor with an amulet unless it [was written] by an expert". Rab Pappa said: Do not say, 'until the man is an expert and the amulet is effective' rather since the man is an expert, even thought the amulet has not been proven effective [it may be worn]. This can be inferred through a close reading [of the Mishnah], the Mishnah taught 'nor with an amulet unless it [was written] by an expert' and it did not teach 'unless it not [proven] effective. We derive from this [that any amulet written by an expert may be worn]. Our Rabbis taught: which amulets are [considered] effective? All that have cured, and cured a second time and a third. Either a written amulet or bundle [of herbs - Rashi]. [It may be worn by] one who is dangerously ill or not dangerously ill; One who has fallen (i.e- epilepsy) rather so one does not fall. And he may tie it and untie it even in the public domain so long as he does not tie it

How can the rabbis allow for amulets when there is a law against divination and soothsaying?
(כו) לֹ֥א תֹאכְל֖וּ עַל־הַדָּ֑ם לֹ֥א תְנַחֲשׁ֖וּ וְלֹ֥א תְעוֹנֵֽנוּ׃
(26) You shall not eat anything with its blood. You shall not practice divination or soothsaying.

(ט) כִּ֤י אַתָּה֙ בָּ֣א אֶל־הָאָ֔רֶץ אֲשֶׁר־יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ נֹתֵ֣ן לָ֑ךְ לֹֽא־תִלְמַ֣ד לַעֲשׂ֔וֹת כְּתוֹעֲבֹ֖ת הַגּוֹיִ֥ם הָהֵֽם׃ (י) לֹֽא־יִמָּצֵ֣א בְךָ֔ מַעֲבִ֥יר בְּנֽוֹ־וּבִתּ֖וֹ בָּאֵ֑שׁ קֹסֵ֣ם קְסָמִ֔ים מְעוֹנֵ֥ן וּמְנַחֵ֖שׁ וּמְכַשֵּֽׁף׃ (יא) וְחֹבֵ֖ר חָ֑בֶר וְשֹׁאֵ֥ל אוֹב֙ וְיִדְּעֹנִ֔י וְדֹרֵ֖שׁ אֶל־הַמֵּתִֽים׃ (יב) כִּֽי־תוֹעֲבַ֥ת יי כָּל־עֹ֣שֵׂה אֵ֑לֶּה וּבִגְלַל֙ הַתּוֹעֵבֹ֣ת הָאֵ֔לֶּה יי אֱלֹהֶ֔יךָ מוֹרִ֥ישׁ אוֹתָ֖ם מִפָּנֶֽיךָ׃ (יג) תָּמִ֣ים תִּֽהְיֶ֔ה עִ֖ם יי אֱלֹהֶֽיךָ׃ (ס)

(9) When you come into the land which Adonai your God gives you, you shall not learn to do after the abominations of those nations. (10) There shall not be found among you any one who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or who uses divination, or a soothsayer, or an enchanter, or a witch, (11) or a charmer, or a medium, or a wizard, or a necromancer. (12) For all that do these things are an abomination to Adonai; and because of these abominations Adonai your God drives them out from before you. (13) You shall be perfect with Adonai your God.

איבעיא להו קמיעין יש . בהן משום קדושה או דילמא אין בהן משום קדושה למאי הילכתא אילימא לאצולינהו מפני הדליקה ת"ש הברכות והקמיעין אע"פ שיש בהן אותיות ומענינות הרבה שבתורה אין מצילין אותן מפני הדליקה ונשרפים במקומן
A dilemma was raised before the Sages: Do amulets have an element of sanctity, or perhaps they have no element of sanctity? The Gemara asks: With regard to what halakha is this dilemma relevant? If you say it is relevant with regard to rescuing them from fire on Shabbat, there is a clear resolution to the dilemma. Come and hear what was taught: The blessings and the amulets, even though there are letters of holy names and many matters that are in the Torah written in them, one may not rescue them from the fire, and they burn in their place.
והתניא אחד קמיע של כתב ואחד קמיע של עיקרין אלא הכא במאי עסקינן בחולה שיש בו סכנה והתניא אחד חולה שיש בו סכנה ואחד חולה שאין בו סכנה
The Gemara asks: Wasn’t it taught in a baraita: This is the case with regard to both a written amulet and an amulet of herbal roots, indicating that their halakhot are equal? Rather, with what we are dealing here? With a person who is dangerously ill. Because of the life-threatening situation, he is permitted to enter the bathroom with his amulet, despite the resulting degradation of the Holy Name. Wasn’t it taught in the same baraita that the halakha applies to both a sick person who is dangerously ill and a sick person who is not dangerously ill, indicating that they share the same status in this regard?
The Minhagim of Weddings
Despite the importance of marriage, the Bible makes no mention of the wedding ceremony. When Isaac meets his bride, Rebecca, he takes her into his mother's tent and she becomes his wife (Gen. 24:67). When Jacob takes Leah and then Rachel as wives, there is a reference to the consummation of the union but no mention of a ceremony (Gen. 29:21-28).
Circling During a Wedding
At a Jewish wedding, one partner circles the other partner under the huppah three or seven times. Why?
  • Some say it builds a magical wall of protection against temptation, other women, and the evil eye.
  • In a fascinating Letter, the Rebbe—Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, of righteous memory—cites the tradition of the Zohar that marriage is a union of two halves of the same soul.
    This is not a union of two identical halves, but rather of two complementary parts. The sages note that “the nature of the male is to conquer,” while Scripture calls the woman the “foundation of the home.” When these two soul-parts come together, they start living a “full life,” and together they build a harmonious, balanced home.
  • When it came time to conquer the city of Jericho, the Jewish people circled the walls of the city seven times until the walls miraculously sank into the ground. Mirroring this, the bride circles the groom seven times to bring down any walls that may separate them.
Smashing glass at a wedding ceremony
  • One reason is to commemorate the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.
  • The breaking of the glass was originally performed after the circling of the groom, so that if Lilith were standing alongside the groom, the crashing would frighten her and cause her to flee from the circle.
  • The fragility of glass suggests the frailty of human relationships. Since even the strongest love is subject to disintegration, the glass is broken as a kind of incantation: “As this glass shatters, so may our marriage never break.”
  • Breaking the glass also has sexual connotations, as it prefigures the release of sexual union, which is not only permitted to married couples but also required of them. For centuries breaking the glass implicitly symbolized breaking the hymen, which is why it was so important that the groom succeed.
• A new bride who cracks an egg and finds a double yolk should eat it to make sure she’s blessed with many children.
12th - early 19th century:
mothers-in-law break a plate – symbolic rending of the mother-child ties; represents the engagement
Use of Mikvah Before a Wedding
  • The Talmud says that the ultimate source of all water is the river that emerged from Eden; thus the mikveh is filled with holiness
  • For brides and grooms, the mikveh is a physical enactment of the passage from being unmarried to married; private transforming moment
Prayer Before Wedding Day
  • It is traditional for brides and grooms to repeat the Yom Kippur Viddui: a litany of sins that is chanted by the whole congregation on Yom Kippur to absolve oneself from all sins
  • This is enacted before a wedding so as to begin your marriage with a fresh slate
A simple gold ring
Only a simple gold band (without engravings or adornment) is used to impress upon all present the singularity of the moment in time, as opposed to the value and bearing of an ornate object in space.
  • The perfect roundness of the ring symbolizes an unspoken prayer; just as a ring must be made of plain gold without blemishes or obstructions, so it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty, free from strife or conflict which might, G-d forbid, destroy its perfect "roundness."
  • The ring is gold to indicate that the Kallah (Bride) should be as precious as gold to the Choson (Groom).
The Week After the Wedding
  • For seven consecutive evenings following the wedding, it is customary that friends or relatives host festive meals in their honor. The act of feasting recalls the "seven-day celebration" after the marriage of Jacob to Leah, while spending their days in prayer, learning Torah and performing mitzvos in order to give the "new house in Israel" a solid foundation in G-d's ways of holiness