Every song needs an introduction... because...
A song without an introduction,
Is like chicken soup without no lukshen,
My producer just looked at me and nodded,
I think he wants me to get started.
Lokshen are noodles. Chicken soup without the noodles.
Testing, testing, aintz tzvai, drai
In yiddish, aintz means one, tzvai means two, and drai means three. Testing testing one two three
I eat a gid hanasheh every bite,
I put on my left shoe before my right,
(ד) ינעול מנעל ימין תחלה ולא יקשרנו ואח"כ ינעול של שמאל ויקשרנו ויחזור ויקשור של ימין: הגה ובמנעלי' שלנו שאין להם קשירה ינעול של ימין תחל' (תוס' פ' במה אשה דס"א):
(4) One should put on the right shoe first and not fasten it, then after that put on the left one and fasten it, and return and fasten the right one. Rem"a: And in the case of our shoes which do not have a fastening, one puts the right one on first. (Tosafot)
You think I don't do aveiros? Don't even wonder,
I never make a brucheh when I hear the thunder,
(א) ברכת הזיקים. ובו ג סעיפים:
על הזיקים והוא כמין כוכב היורה כחץ באורך השמים ממקום למקום ונמשך אורו כשבט ועל רעדת הארץ ועל הברקים ועל הרעמים ועל רוחות שנשבו בזעף על כל אחד מאלו אומר בא"י אמ"ה עושה מעשה בראשית ואם ירצה יאמר בא"י אמ"ה שכחו וגבורתו מלא עולם:
(1) Upon a comet, which is like a type of star that is seen like an arrow across the sky from place to place, whose light stretches like a staff, and upon shaking of the earth, and upon lightning, and upon thunder, and upon winds that blow angrily: on each of these one says, "Blessed are you, God our Lord, king of the world, creator of the original (first) creations." And if you'd like, say, "Blessed are you, God our Lord, king of the world, whose strength and might fill the world."
My wife wears a sheitel, not a tichel,
In Hassidic circles, among the most pious ways to keep this practice is by wearing a Sheitel (wig) and a Tichel (fabric or scarf covering) on top of that. He is being facetious, because wearing a sheitel is still pretty frum.
I eat the herring without the kichel,
Herring is a staple of Ashkenazic food. It is served pickled, creamed, schmaltzed, Maatjes, etc.
Kichel is a cracker, another staple of Ashkenazic food. Kichel is very popular in South African Jewish cuisine and Eastern European Jewish cuisine. It is traditionally served with Herring.
I drink every night ad delo yudeh,
I never sing zemiros at the shabbos sudeh,
(ה) (ה) ויסעוד - כתב ברוקח סימן נ"ד אחר שאכלו כל צרכן יש מזמרים זמירות ושבח להקב"ה. וטוב ללמוד תורה במקצת קודם אכילה [א"ר]:
After one eats their fill, there are those who sing zemirot and praise to Hashem. And it is good to learn Torah before eating.
I hang around with a goyishe oilem,
Oilem in this context refers to a group of people, or a crew/chevra. A goyishe oilem is a non-Jewish group of people.
I never do bikur cholim,
(א) מתי מבקרין החולה ואיזה חולים מבקרין וכיצד מתפללין עליו. ובו י' סעיפים:
מצוה לבקר חולים הקרובים והחברים נכנסים מיד והרחוקים אחר ג' ימים ואם קפץ עליו החולי אלו ואלו נכנסים מיד. (טור בקיצור מס' ת"ה להרמב"ן):
(1) LAWS OF VISITING THE SICK; HEALING; THE APPROACH OF DEATH AND ONE IN A DYING CONDITION.
It is a religious duty to visit the sick. Relatives and friends may enter at once and strangers after three days. If the sickness overtakes him both may enter forthwith.
Yeah I hang out with goyim vus iz nisht gemalet,
Translates to "non-Jews who aren't even circumcised"
I don't put on my paper, beis samech daled.
Many have the custom of writing בס"ד on the upper corner of papers and documents, this is short for בסיעתה דשמיא, which means "with God's help." People do this to show thanks to Hashem. It is disputed whether to write בס"ד or to write the shorthand for B'ezrat Hashem. This is because the shorthand for this phrase contains a letter which symbolizes God's name, and so it would be assur to erase or destroy those letters, and therefore the paper itself.
I spoke to my goyishe friend named Boris,
He wrote me up this little chorus,
It breaks up the song so it doesn't get boring,
And now we'll continue with the recording.
I go to shul and I'm just chillin,
I only put on one pair of tefillin,
(א) סדר הנחת הפרשיות בתפילין והמהדרים אשר להם ב' זוגות תפילין ובו ד"ס:
סדר הנחתן בבתים לרש"י והרמב"ם קדש משמאל המניח בבית החיצון ואחריו כי יביאך בבית שני ושמע בבית השלישי והיה אם שמוע בבית הרביעי שהוא בית החיצון לימינו ולר"ת בבית הג' והיה אם שמוע ובבית הד' שהוא החיצון שמע ומנהג העולם כרש"י והרמב"ם:
(ב) ירא שמים יצא ידי שניהם ויעש' שתי זוגות תפילין ויניח שניהם ויכוין בהנחתן באותם שהם אליבא דהלכת' אני יוצא ידי חובתי והשאר הם כרצועות בעלמא כי מקום יש בראש להניח שני תפילין וכן בזרוע ואם אינו יודע לכוין המקום ולהניח שניהם יחד יניח כדברי האחד של יד ושל ראש (ויסלקם מיד) ויניח האחרים על סמך ברכה ראשונ' (וי"א שאם) לא יוכל להניח בבת אחת יניח של רש"י ויברך עליהם ויהיו עליו בשעת ק"ש ותפלה ואחר התפלה יניח של רבינו תם בלא ברכ' ויקרא בהם שמע והיה אם שמוע:
(1) The order of the placement [of the head tefillin scrolls] in their compartments [is as follows]: per Rashi and Rambam, [the] "Kadesh" [scroll] goes in the compartment furthest to the left of the one wearing the tefillin, in the compartment on the left edge of the tefillin. After it is [the scroll] "Ki Yeviacha" in the second compartment [counting from the left of the wearer], and [the scroll] of "Shema" in the third compartment, and [the scroll of] "Vehayah Im Shamoa" in the fourth compartment, which is the external compartment on the wearer's right. According toe Rabbenu Tam, in the third compartment one places "Vehayah Im Shamoa" and in the fourth compartment - that is the external one - Shema. And the popularly accepted custom is to follow Rashi and Rambam's view.
(2) One who fears Heaven will seek to fulfill the commandment according to both views, by making two pairs of tefillin and wearing both. He shall have the intent upon putting them on that, "With the pair that correctly express the true halacha I am fulfilling my obligation, and the remainder are just ordinary straps." [And this is possible to do] as there is space on the head to wear two pairs of tefillin and likewise on the arm. If he does not know the precise place such that he could wear them both simultaneously, then he shall wear according to one view [the tefillin] of arm and head (outtake: and remove them immediately) and then place the other set [upon himself] in reliance on his initial blessing. If (outtake: and there are those who say) he cannot wear them both simultaneously, he should wear those [made according to] Rashi's view and bless upon them and they should be upon him at the time of reading Shema and the Tefilah [aka Shemoneh Esreh]. Then after the Tefilah he shall place tefillin of Rabbenu Tam without a blessing and read, while wearing them, [the paragraphs of] Shema and Vehayah Im Shamoa.
I never cry when I go to levayos,
I eat the matzah, less than a kezayis,
Most Poskim agree that one must have at least 1 kezayit for Motzi Matza, 2 kezayit for Korech, and 2 more for Afikomen. The Shulchan Aruch brings this down in Orach Chayim siman 475 seif 1.
I don't even care about chulev stam,
I don't even like be'er mayim chayim,
The Be'er Mayim Chayim is a Chassidic Parshah commentary written by R' Chaim of Chernowitz in the early 19th century. It is also a very popular seltzer brand in New York.
I go to the games with Derek Jeter,
No real problem here, just not a very Torah environment.
I always get married during sefira,
(א) דינים הנוהגים בימי העומר. ובו ד' סעיפים:
נוהגים שלא לישא אשה בין פסח לעצרת עד ל"ג בעומר מפני שבאותו זמן מתו תלמידי ר' עקיבא אבל לארס ולקדש שפיר דמי ונשואין נמי מי שקפץ וכנס אין עונשין אותו: הגה מיהו מל"ג בעומר ואילך הכל שרי (אבודרהם וב"י ומנהגים):
(1) It is customary not to get married between Pesach and Shavuot, until Lag BaOmer (the 33rd day), because during that time, the students of Rabbi Akiva died. However, to do "erusin" and "kiddushin" (engagement and betrothal) is OK. And even for "nisuin" (marriage), if someone did so, we do not punish him. Rema: however, from Lag Ba'Omer onwards, all this is permitted (Abudraham, Beit Yosef & Minhagim).
I do aveiros, oid ve'oid,
I never go on trips on chol hamo'ed,
It is very popular custom to go on fun family trips during Chol Hamoed. Work is still forbidden, but many other things aren't, so it is a good time to take a trip.
I never daven tefillah be'tzibur,
(ט) ישתדל אדם להתפלל בב"ה עם הציבור ואם הוא אנוס שאינו יכול לבא לב"ה יכוין להתפלל בשעה שהציבו' מתפללין [וה"ה בני אדם הדרים בישובים ואין להם מנין מ"מ יתפללו שחרית וערבית בזמן שהצבור מתפללים סמ"ג] וכן אם נאנס ולא התפלל בשעה שהתפללו הציבו' והוא מתפלל ביחיד אעפ"כ יתפלל בב"ה:
(9) A person should make an effort to pray in the synagogue with a congregation, and if he is unable (lit. "anus", coerced) - that one is not able to come ot the synagogue, one should intend to pray at the time that the congregation are praying [This also applies to people living in small settlements, that do not have a minyan -- they, in any case, should pray Shacharit and Aravit during the time thatthe congregation are praying - Sefer Mitzvot haGadol] And similarly if one is unable and did not pray at the time when the community prayed, and prays as an individual, despite this, one should pray in the synagogue.
I listen to the tapes, from Justin Bieber.
I cruise around in my '05 Taurus,
Blasting out the second chorus,
I feel like I'm rocking up the whole joint,
And now we're at the halfway point.
I'm such a goy, vus hut du getracht,
I learn the gantzeh nittel nacht,
Nittel Nacht is a predominantly Chassidic custom to refrain from learning any Torah on Christmas eve. There are several potential reasons for this, but one of the major reasons is to protect Jews from pogroms, to which they would be more vulnerable if they congregated at shul or in the Beit Midrash. Another reason is that learning Torah generates Simcha, and just like we avoid learning Torah on Tisha B'av out of mourning, so too it is customary not to learn Torah on Nittel Nacht out of mourning for all of the Jews who have been killed by pogroms on Christmas eve. Customs vary.
Chassidim and rebbes are not my types,
I wear the tzitzis without the stripes,
I always say lashon hara,
All my friends do avodah zara,
These things are very assur
I'm such a tzioni, I sing Hatikva,
The Neturei Karta (guardians of the city) is an ultra-Orthodox anti-Zionist group that rejects the founding of the State of Israel. The Satmar Chassidim also object to the founding of the State of Israel. Both argue that the Jewish people cannot and should not return to Eretz Yisrael until Hashem brings the Mashiach.
I don't even pay when I use the mikva,
I changed my name to Sam, from Shmuel,
I don't even like Eretz Yisrooel,
I don't ask for a shidduch when I go to Amukah,
Amukah is an historic and religious site in the north of Israel near Tzfat. The main attraction is the kever of R' Yonatan Ben Uziel, R' Hillel's most excellent talmid. R' Yonatan married late in life, and was not able to fulfill the mitzvah of peru u'revu, so on his deathbed he promised his talmidim that anyone who wanted to find a spouse should daven by his kever and their tefilot would be granted within a year. There are many stories of people who have traveled to R' Yonatan's kever on his Yahrtzeit and been successful.
I give more than a choimesh to tzedukeh,
(ד) כַּמָּה יִתֵּן הָאָדָם צְדָקָה. שָׁנָה רִאשׁוֹנָה הַמַּעֲשֵׂר מִן הַקֶּרֶן. מִכָּאן וָאֵילַךְ יִתֵּן מַעֲשֵׂר מִן הָרֶוַח שֶׁהִרְוִיחַ כָּל שָׁנָה, [חוּץ מִצָּרְכֵי בֵּיתוֹ], זוֹ הִיא מִדָּה בֵּינוֹנִית. וּמִצְוָה מִן הַמֻּבְחָר שֶׁיִּתֵּן חֹמֶשׁ שָׁנָה רִאשׁוֹנָה מִן הַקֶּרֶן, וְאַחַר כָּךְ כָּל שָׁנָה חֹמֶשׁ מִן הָרֶוַח. וְאַל יְבַזְבֵּז אָדָם יוֹתֵר מִן הַחֹמֶשׁ, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יִצְטָרֵךְ הוּא אַחַר כָּךְ לַבְּרִיּוֹת. וְדַוְקָא כָּל יְמֵי חַיָּיו. אֲבָל בִּשְׁעַת מוֹת, יָכוֹל אָדָם לִתֵּן עַד שְׁלִישׁ רְכוּשׁוֹ צְדָקָה. אֵין לַעֲשׂוֹת מִמַּעֲשֵׂר שֶׁלּוֹ דְּבַר מִצְוָה, כְּגוֹן נֵרוֹת לְבֵית הַכְּנֶסֶת אוֹ שְׁאָר דְבָרִים לְמִצְוָה, רַק יִתְּנוּהוּ לַעֲנִיִּים. וְאִם נִזְדַּמְּנָה לוֹ מִצְוָה לִהְיוֹת בַּעַל בְּרִית, אוֹ לְהַכְנִיס חָתָן וְכַלָּה עֲנִיִּים לַחֻפָּה וְכַדּוֹמֶה וְכֵן לִקְנֹת סְפָרִים לִלְמֹד בָּהֶם, וּלְהַשְׁאִילָן לַאֲחֵרִים לִלְמוֹד בָּהֶם, אִם לֹא הָיָה יְכֹלֶת בְּיָדוֹ, וְלֹא הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה אוֹתָהּ מִצְוָה מֵמָּמוֹן שֶׁלּוֹ, יָכוֹל לַעֲשׂוֹת מִמַּעֲשֵׂר. אִם קוֹנֶה סְפָרִים מִמְּעוֹת מַעֲשֵׂר, צָרִיךְ לִזָּהֵר לְהַשְׁאִילָן לַאֲחֵרִים, אִם לֹא כַּאֲשֶׁר הוּא צָרִיךְ לָהֶם, אֲזַי הוּא קוֹדֵם. וְגַם יִזָּהֵר לִכְתּוֹב עֲלֵיהֶם שֶׁהֵם מִמְּעוֹת מַעֲשֵׂר, לְמַעַן לֹא יַחְזִיקוּ בָּהֶם בָּנָיו אַחֲרָיו (סִימָן רמ"ח).
(4) How much charity should you give? The first year you should give a tenth of the principle; and thereafter, you should give a tenth of the profits you earn each year, [after deducting your household expenses.] This is the medial way [of giving charity]. The commandment is fulfilled in its excellence when you give a fifth the first year from the principle, and every year after that a fifth of the profits. You should not give away more than a fifth, so that you will not become dependent on others. This rule applies only during your lifetime. But as a dying bequest, you are permitted to [donate] up to a third of your estate to charity. You may not use your ma'aseir [charity] funds for other mitzvah obligations, such as buying candles for the synagogue or other items used for a mitzvah, but you must give it to the poor. If you have the opportunity to perform a mitzvah to help in the circumcision of a child, or to marry off a poor bride and groom, or similar situations; or to purchase Torah texts from which to study, and lend them to others for study; you may use the ma'aseir money if you would not be able to accomplish these deeds with your own money. If you buy Torah texts from ma'aseir money, you must be sure to lend them to others; but if you need them yourself, than your needs come first. You should also be sure to inscribe in them that they are from ma'aseir money, so that possession is not taken of them by your children after you.
I use the Internet for the news,
Most modern Poskim have a stance on internet use. Some ban it outright for the possibility of immodest behavior/content. Others allow use of the internet with filters, some others do not require filters.
I do birkas kohanim with my shoes.
Don't turn it down, don't ignore us,
Listen up to the final chorus,
I haven't yet showed you all my cards.
Mir halt shoin by the line fun twenty yards.
Translates to "I have stopped at the 20 yard line"
I do shnayim mikra without the targum,
When I see an Amaleiki I would never harg him,
I'm the biggest ba'al aveiros in the velt,
I never give my kids any chanuka gelt,
My esrog is always full of black dots,
I always make a brucheh when I wash urchatz,
(כ) (כ) בלא ברכה - כי יש מקצת הראשונים דסברי שלא הצריכו חכמים נט"י לדבר שטיבולו במשקה אלא בימיהם שהיו אוכלים בטהרה משא"כ עכשיו שכולנו טמאי מתים ולכך לא יברך ענט"י שספק ברכות להקל והנה במ"א הביא בשם הל"ח דהעולם נוהגים שלא ליטול ויש להם על מה שיסמוכו היינו על מקצת הראשונים הנ"ל אבל הרבה אחרונים החמירו מאד בדבר וכתבו דהעיקר כרוב הפוסקים דצריך נטילה מדינא אף בזה"ז ועיין בביאור הגר"א שגם דעתו כן והחמיר מאד בזה שאף צריך לברך ע"ז ולכן אף דהעולם אין נוהגין לברך עכ"פ אין להקל לאכול בלי נטילה. וצריך לזה כל דיני נטילה כמו לפת. ומ"מ בפחות מכזית נ"ל פשוט שאין להחמיר בזה כלל דאפי' בפת הרבה אחרונים מקילין וכנ"ל במ"ב:
(20) Without a Blessing- Because there are some rishonim who hold that the sages only decreed washing your hands for foods that touch the 7 liquids in the times when we kept the laws of spiritual purity. Now-a-days, since we are all contaminated from the dead, we don't make a blessing because we don't make questionable blessings. The Magein Avrahahm brings in the name of the Lechem Hamudos that people are accustomed to not wash. They have what to rely on (e.g. the rishonim we just mentioned), but many achronim are very strict and say that the law is like the majority of rishonim who require washing even now-a-days. See the Bior HaGra who is very strict to even require a blessing on this. Therefore, even though we don't say a blessing, you shouldn't be so lenient as to eat without washing. This washing requires all the laws of washing like bread. However, less than an olive's volume, it is clear that you needn't wash at all on since even with bread many achronim are lenient on this.
I eat in the sukkah on Sh'mini Atzeres,
I toivel in the mikvah holding a sheretz,
By Haman's name I always cheer,
By shulem zuchers I only drink root beer,
Alcohol is typically served at a Shalom Zachar
By the Purim shpiel I never laugh,
For afikomen I use the smaller half,
I only drink gimmel koises,
I eat tons of marror without charoises,
Rosh Hashana by simanim I eat the shvantz,
By my chasunah I had an aveirah tantz.
Too much of your time I'm already spending,
So now I'm gonna take you to the ending,
I hope you like and I hope you enjoy,
This song about a yid who thinks he's a goy.