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The Aveirah Song

Every song needs an introduction... because...

A song without an introduction,

Is like chicken soup without no lukshen,

My producer just looked at me and nodded,

I think he wants me to get started.

Lokshen are noodles. Chicken soup without the noodles.

Testing, testing, aintz tzvai, drai

In yiddish, aintz means one, tzvai means two, and drai means three. Testing testing one two three

I eat a gid hanasheh every bite,

(לג) עַל־כֵּ֡ן לֹֽא־יֹאכְל֨וּ בְנֵֽי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֜ל אֶת־גִּ֣יד הַנָּשֶׁ֗ה אֲשֶׁר֙ עַל־כַּ֣ף הַיָּרֵ֔ךְ עַ֖ד הַיּ֣וֹם הַזֶּ֑ה כִּ֤י נָגַע֙ בְּכַף־יֶ֣רֶךְ יַעֲקֹ֔ב בְּגִ֖יד הַנָּשֶֽׁה׃
(33) That is why the children of Israel to this day do not eat the thigh muscle that is on the socket of the hip, since Jacob’s hip socket was wrenched at the thigh muscle.

I put on my left shoe before my right,

(ד) ינעול מנעל ימין תחלה ולא יקשרנו ואח"כ ינעול של שמאל ויקשרנו ויחזור ויקשור של ימין: הגה ובמנעלי' שלנו שאין להם קשירה ינעול של ימין תחל' (תוס' פ' במה אשה דס"א):

(4) One should put on the right shoe first and not fasten it, then after that put on the left one and fasten it, and return and fasten the right one. Rem"a: And in the case of our shoes which do not have a fastening, one puts the right one on first. (Tosafot)

וְאַזְדָּא רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן לְטַעְמֵיהּ. דַּאֲמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: כִּתְפִילִּין כָּךְ מִנְעָלִין. מַה תְּפִילִּין בִּשְׂמֹאל, אַף מִנְעָלִין בִּשְׂמֹאל. מֵיתִיבִי: כְּשֶׁהוּא נוֹעֵל — נוֹעֵל שֶׁל יָמִין וְאַחַר כָּךְ נוֹעֵל שֶׁל שְׂמֹאל! אָמַר רַב יוֹסֵף: הַשְׁתָּא דְּתַנְיָא הָכִי, וְאָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן הָכִי, דַּעֲבַד הָכִי — עֲבַד, וְדַעֲבַד הָכִי — עֲבַד. אֲמַר לֵיהּ אַבָּיֵי: דִּילְמָא רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן הָא מַתְנִיתִין לָא הֲוָה שְׁמִיעַ לֵיהּ, וְאִי הֲוָה שְׁמִיעַ לֵיהּ הֲוָה הָדַר בֵּיהּ. וְאִי נָמֵי שְׁמִיעַ לֵיהּ, וְקָסָבַר אֵין הֲלָכָה כְּאוֹתָהּ מִשְׁנָה. אָמַר רַב נַחְמָן בַּר יִצְחָק: יְרֵא שָׁמַיִם יוֹצֵא יְדֵי שְׁתֵּיהֶן. וּמַנּוּ? — מָר בְּרֵיהּ דְּרַבְנָא. הֵיכִי עָבֵיד? — סָיֵים דְּיַמִּינֵיהּ וְלָא קָטַר, וְסָיֵים דִּשְׂמָאלֵיהּ וְקָטַר, וַהֲדַר קָטַר דְּיַמִּינֵיהּ. אָמַר רַב אָשֵׁי: חֲזֵינָא לְרַב כָּהֲנָא דְּלָא קָפֵיד. תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: כְּשֶׁהוּא נוֹעֵל — נוֹעֵל שֶׁל יָמִין וְאַחַר כָּךְ נוֹעֵל שֶׁל שְׂמֹאל. כְּשֶׁהוּא חוֹלֵץ — חוֹלֵץ שֶׁל שְׂמֹאל וְאַחַר כָּךְ חוֹלֵץ שֶׁל יָמִין.
And Rabbi Yoḥanan follows his regular line of reasoning. As Rabbi Yoḥanan said: Just as one dons phylacteries, so too, one puts on shoes. Just as phylacteries are placed on the left arm, so too, when putting on shoes one begins with the left foot. The Gemara raises an objection to Rabbi Yoḥanan’s opinion from a baraita: When one puts on his shoes, he puts on the right shoe first and afterward puts on the left shoe. Rav Yosef said: Now that it was taught in a baraita in this manner, and Rabbi Yoḥanan stated the halakha in that manner, one who acted this way acted properly, and one who acted that way acted properly, as each custom has a basis. Abaye said to him: Why is the Gemara certain that Rabbi Yoḥanan disagrees with the baraita? Perhaps Rabbi Yoḥanan had not heard this baraita, and had he heard it, he would have retracted his opinion. And even if he heard it, perhaps he heard it and held that the halakha is not in accordance with that mishna. In any case, it is necessary to rule in accordance with one of the opinions. Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said: And one who fears Heaven fulfills both opinions. And who is this God-fearing person? Mar, son of Rabbana. How does he conduct himself? He puts on his right shoe and does not tie the laces. And then he puts on his left shoe and ties it, and then afterward ties the laces of his right shoe. Rav Ashi said: I saw that Rav Kahana was not particular with regard to the order in which he put on his shoes. After citing this excerpt from Hilkhot Derekh Eretz with regard to putting on shoes, the Gemara cites the entire matter. The Sages taught: When one puts on his shoes, he puts on the right shoe first and afterward puts on the left shoe because the right always takes precedence. When he removes them, he removes the left and afterward he removes the right, so that the right shoe will remain on the foot longer.

You think I don't do aveiros? Don't even wonder,

I never make a brucheh when I hear the thunder,

(א) ברכת הזיקים. ובו ג סעיפים:
על הזיקים והוא כמין כוכב היורה כחץ באורך השמים ממקום למקום ונמשך אורו כשבט ועל רעדת הארץ ועל הברקים ועל הרעמים ועל רוחות שנשבו בזעף על כל אחד מאלו אומר בא"י אמ"ה עושה מעשה בראשית ואם ירצה יאמר בא"י אמ"ה שכחו וגבורתו מלא עולם:

(1) Upon a comet, which is like a type of star that is seen like an arrow across the sky from place to place, whose light stretches like a staff, and upon shaking of the earth, and upon lightning, and upon thunder, and upon winds that blow angrily: on each of these one says, "Blessed are you, God our Lord, king of the world, creator of the original (first) creations." And if you'd like, say, "Blessed are you, God our Lord, king of the world, whose strength and might fill the world."

My wife wears a sheitel, not a tichel,

ואיזוהי דת יהודית יוצאה וראשה פרוע: ראשה פרוע דאורייתא היא דכתיב (במדבר ה, יח) ופרע את ראש האשה ותנא דבי רבי ישמעאל אזהרה לבנות ישראל שלא יצאו בפרוע ראש דאורייתא
§ The mishna stated: And who is considered a woman who violates the precepts of Jewish women? One who goes out and her head is uncovered. The Gemara asks: The prohibition against a woman going out with her head uncovered is not merely a custom of Jewish women. Rather, it is by Torah law, as it is written with regard to a woman suspected by her husband of having been unfaithful: “And he shall uncover the head of the woman” (Numbers 5:18). And the school of Rabbi Yishmael taught: From here there is a warning to Jewish women not to go out with an uncovered head, since if the Torah states that a woman suspected of adultery must have her head uncovered, this indicates that a married woman must generally cover her head. The Gemara explains: By Torah law,

In Hassidic circles, among the most pious ways to keep this practice is by wearing a Sheitel (wig) and a Tichel (fabric or scarf covering) on top of that. He is being facetious, because wearing a sheitel is still pretty frum.

I eat the herring without the kichel,

Herring is a staple of Ashkenazic food. It is served pickled, creamed, schmaltzed, Maatjes, etc.

Kichel is a cracker, another staple of Ashkenazic food. Kichel is very popular in South African Jewish cuisine and Eastern European Jewish cuisine. It is traditionally served with Herring.

I drink every night ad delo yudeh,

אָמַר רָבָא מִיחַיַּיב אִינִישׁ לְבַסּוֹמֵי בְּפוּרַיָּא עַד דְּלָא יָדַע בֵּין אָרוּר הָמָן לְבָרוּךְ מָרְדֳּכַי
Rava said: A person is obligated to become intoxicated with wine on Purim until he is so intoxicated that he does not know how to distinguish between cursed is Haman and blessed is Mordecai.

I never sing zemiros at the shabbos sudeh,

(ה) (ה) ויסעוד - כתב ברוקח סימן נ"ד אחר שאכלו כל צרכן יש מזמרים זמירות ושבח להקב"ה. וטוב ללמוד תורה במקצת קודם אכילה [א"ר]:

After one eats their fill, there are those who sing zemirot and praise to Hashem. And it is good to learn Torah before eating.

I hang around with a goyishe oilem,

Oilem in this context refers to a group of people, or a crew/chevra. A goyishe oilem is a non-Jewish group of people.

I never do bikur cholim,

(א) מתי מבקרין החולה ואיזה חולים מבקרין וכיצד מתפללין עליו. ובו י' סעיפים:
מצוה לבקר חולים הקרובים והחברים נכנסים מיד והרחוקים אחר ג' ימים ואם קפץ עליו החולי אלו ואלו נכנסים מיד. (טור בקיצור מס' ת"ה להרמב"ן):

(1) LAWS OF VISITING THE SICK; HEALING; THE APPROACH OF DEATH AND ONE IN A DYING CONDITION.
It is a religious duty to visit the sick. Relatives and friends may enter at once and strangers after three days. If the sickness overtakes him both may enter forthwith.

Yeah I hang out with goyim vus iz nisht gemalet,

Translates to "non-Jews who aren't even circumcised"

I don't put on my paper, beis samech daled.

Many have the custom of writing בס"ד on the upper corner of papers and documents, this is short for בסיעתה דשמיא, which means "with God's help." People do this to show thanks to Hashem. It is disputed whether to write בס"ד or to write the shorthand for B'ezrat Hashem. This is because the shorthand for this phrase contains a letter which symbolizes God's name, and so it would be assur to erase or destroy those letters, and therefore the paper itself.

I spoke to my goyishe friend named Boris,

He wrote me up this little chorus,

It breaks up the song so it doesn't get boring,

And now we'll continue with the recording.

I go to shul and I'm just chillin,

I only put on one pair of tefillin,

(א) סדר הנחת הפרשיות בתפילין והמהדרים אשר להם ב' זוגות תפילין ובו ד"ס:
סדר הנחתן בבתים לרש"י והרמב"ם קדש משמאל המניח בבית החיצון ואחריו כי יביאך בבית שני ושמע בבית השלישי והיה אם שמוע בבית הרביעי שהוא בית החיצון לימינו ולר"ת בבית הג' והיה אם שמוע ובבית הד' שהוא החיצון שמע ומנהג העולם כרש"י והרמב"ם:

(ב) ירא שמים יצא ידי שניהם ויעש' שתי זוגות תפילין ויניח שניהם ויכוין בהנחתן באותם שהם אליבא דהלכת' אני יוצא ידי חובתי והשאר הם כרצועות בעלמא כי מקום יש בראש להניח שני תפילין וכן בזרוע ואם אינו יודע לכוין המקום ולהניח שניהם יחד יניח כדברי האחד של יד ושל ראש (ויסלקם מיד) ויניח האחרים על סמך ברכה ראשונ' (וי"א שאם) לא יוכל להניח בבת אחת יניח של רש"י ויברך עליהם ויהיו עליו בשעת ק"ש ותפלה ואחר התפלה יניח של רבינו תם בלא ברכ' ויקרא בהם שמע והיה אם שמוע:

(1) The order of the placement [of the head tefillin scrolls] in their compartments [is as follows]: per Rashi and Rambam, [the] "Kadesh" [scroll] goes in the compartment furthest to the left of the one wearing the tefillin, in the compartment on the left edge of the tefillin. After it is [the scroll] "Ki Yeviacha" in the second compartment [counting from the left of the wearer], and [the scroll] of "Shema" in the third compartment, and [the scroll of] "Vehayah Im Shamoa" in the fourth compartment, which is the external compartment on the wearer's right. According toe Rabbenu Tam, in the third compartment one places "Vehayah Im Shamoa" and in the fourth compartment - that is the external one - Shema. And the popularly accepted custom is to follow Rashi and Rambam's view.

(2) One who fears Heaven will seek to fulfill the commandment according to both views, by making two pairs of tefillin and wearing both. He shall have the intent upon putting them on that, "With the pair that correctly express the true halacha I am fulfilling my obligation, and the remainder are just ordinary straps." [And this is possible to do] as there is space on the head to wear two pairs of tefillin and likewise on the arm. If he does not know the precise place such that he could wear them both simultaneously, then he shall wear according to one view [the tefillin] of arm and head (outtake: and remove them immediately) and then place the other set [upon himself] in reliance on his initial blessing. If (outtake: and there are those who say) he cannot wear them both simultaneously, he should wear those [made according to] Rashi's view and bless upon them and they should be upon him at the time of reading Shema and the Tefilah [aka Shemoneh Esreh]. Then after the Tefilah he shall place tefillin of Rabbenu Tam without a blessing and read, while wearing them, [the paragraphs of] Shema and Vehayah Im Shamoa.

I never cry when I go to levayos,

I eat the matzah, less than a kezayis,

Most Poskim agree that one must have at least 1 kezayit for Motzi Matza, 2 kezayit for Korech, and 2 more for Afikomen. The Shulchan Aruch brings this down in Orach Chayim siman 475 seif 1.

I don't even care about chulev stam,

מתני׳ ואלו דברים של עובדי כוכבים אסורין ואין איסורן איסור הנאה חלב שחלבו עובד כוכבים ואין ישראל רואהו והפת והשמן שלהן רבי ובית דינו התירו השמן
MISHNA: This mishna lists items belonging to gentiles which it is prohibited to consume, but from which it is permitted to derive benefit. And these are items that belong to gentiles and are prohibited, but their prohibition is not that of an item from which deriving benefit is prohibited: Milk that was milked by a gentile and a Jew did not see him performing this action, and their bread and oil. The mishna notes that Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi and his court permitted the oil of gentiles entirely.

I don't even like be'er mayim chayim,

The Be'er Mayim Chayim is a Chassidic Parshah commentary written by R' Chaim of Chernowitz in the early 19th century. It is also a very popular seltzer brand in New York.

I go to the games with Derek Jeter,

No real problem here, just not a very Torah environment.

I always get married during sefira,

(א) דינים הנוהגים בימי העומר. ובו ד' סעיפים:
נוהגים שלא לישא אשה בין פסח לעצרת עד ל"ג בעומר מפני שבאותו זמן מתו תלמידי ר' עקיבא אבל לארס ולקדש שפיר דמי ונשואין נמי מי שקפץ וכנס אין עונשין אותו: הגה מיהו מל"ג בעומר ואילך הכל שרי (אבודרהם וב"י ומנהגים):

(1) It is customary not to get married between Pesach and Shavuot, until Lag BaOmer (the 33rd day), because during that time, the students of Rabbi Akiva died. However, to do "erusin" and "kiddushin" (engagement and betrothal) is OK. And even for "nisuin" (marriage), if someone did so, we do not punish him. Rema: however, from Lag Ba'Omer onwards, all this is permitted (Abudraham, Beit Yosef & Minhagim).

I do aveiros, oid ve'oid,

I never go on trips on chol hamo'ed,

It is very popular custom to go on fun family trips during Chol Hamoed. Work is still forbidden, but many other things aren't, so it is a good time to take a trip.

I never daven tefillah be'tzibur,

(ט) ישתדל אדם להתפלל בב"ה עם הציבור ואם הוא אנוס שאינו יכול לבא לב"ה יכוין להתפלל בשעה שהציבו' מתפללין [וה"ה בני אדם הדרים בישובים ואין להם מנין מ"מ יתפללו שחרית וערבית בזמן שהצבור מתפללים סמ"ג] וכן אם נאנס ולא התפלל בשעה שהתפללו הציבו' והוא מתפלל ביחיד אעפ"כ יתפלל בב"ה:

(9) A person should make an effort to pray in the synagogue with a congregation, and if he is unable (lit. "anus", coerced) - that one is not able to come ot the synagogue, one should intend to pray at the time that the congregation are praying [This also applies to people living in small settlements, that do not have a minyan -- they, in any case, should pray Shacharit and Aravit during the time thatthe congregation are praying - Sefer Mitzvot haGadol] And similarly if one is unable and did not pray at the time when the community prayed, and prays as an individual, despite this, one should pray in the synagogue.

I listen to the tapes, from Justin Bieber.

I cruise around in my '05 Taurus,

Blasting out the second chorus,

I feel like I'm rocking up the whole joint,

And now we're at the halfway point.

I'm such a goy, vus hut du getracht,

I learn the gantzeh nittel nacht,

Nittel Nacht is a predominantly Chassidic custom to refrain from learning any Torah on Christmas eve. There are several potential reasons for this, but one of the major reasons is to protect Jews from pogroms, to which they would be more vulnerable if they congregated at shul or in the Beit Midrash. Another reason is that learning Torah generates Simcha, and just like we avoid learning Torah on Tisha B'av out of mourning, so too it is customary not to learn Torah on Nittel Nacht out of mourning for all of the Jews who have been killed by pogroms on Christmas eve. Customs vary.

Chassidim and rebbes are not my types,

I wear the tzitzis without the stripes,

I always say lashon hara,

All my friends do avodah zara,

These things are very assur

I'm such a tzioni, I sing Hatikva,

The Neturei Karta (guardians of the city) is an ultra-Orthodox anti-Zionist group that rejects the founding of the State of Israel. The Satmar Chassidim also object to the founding of the State of Israel. Both argue that the Jewish people cannot and should not return to Eretz Yisrael until Hashem brings the Mashiach.

I don't even pay when I use the mikva,

I changed my name to Sam, from Shmuel,

I don't even like Eretz Yisrooel,

I don't ask for a shidduch when I go to Amukah,

Amukah is an historic and religious site in the north of Israel near Tzfat. The main attraction is the kever of R' Yonatan Ben Uziel, R' Hillel's most excellent talmid. R' Yonatan married late in life, and was not able to fulfill the mitzvah of peru u'revu, so on his deathbed he promised his talmidim that anyone who wanted to find a spouse should daven by his kever and their tefilot would be granted within a year. There are many stories of people who have traveled to R' Yonatan's kever on his Yahrtzeit and been successful.

I give more than a choimesh to tzedukeh,

(ד) כַּמָּה יִתֵּן הָאָדָם צְדָקָה. שָׁנָה רִאשׁוֹנָה הַמַּעֲשֵׂר מִן הַקֶּרֶן. מִכָּאן וָאֵילַךְ יִתֵּן מַעֲשֵׂר מִן הָרֶוַח שֶׁהִרְוִיחַ כָּל שָׁנָה, [חוּץ מִצָּרְכֵי בֵּיתוֹ], זוֹ הִיא מִדָּה בֵּינוֹנִית. וּמִצְוָה מִן הַמֻּבְחָר שֶׁיִּתֵּן חֹמֶשׁ שָׁנָה רִאשׁוֹנָה מִן הַקֶּרֶן, וְאַחַר כָּךְ כָּל שָׁנָה חֹמֶשׁ מִן הָרֶוַח. וְאַל יְבַזְבֵּז אָדָם יוֹתֵר מִן הַחֹמֶשׁ, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יִצְטָרֵךְ הוּא אַחַר כָּךְ לַבְּרִיּוֹת. וְדַוְקָא כָּל יְמֵי חַיָּיו. אֲבָל בִּשְׁעַת מוֹת, יָכוֹל אָדָם לִתֵּן עַד שְׁלִישׁ רְכוּשׁוֹ צְדָקָה. אֵין לַעֲשׂוֹת מִמַּעֲשֵׂר שֶׁלּוֹ דְּבַר מִצְוָה, כְּגוֹן נֵרוֹת לְבֵית הַכְּנֶסֶת אוֹ שְׁאָר דְבָרִים לְמִצְוָה, רַק יִתְּנוּהוּ לַעֲנִיִּים. וְאִם נִזְדַּמְּנָה לוֹ מִצְוָה לִהְיוֹת בַּעַל בְּרִית, אוֹ לְהַכְנִיס חָתָן וְכַלָּה עֲנִיִּים לַחֻפָּה וְכַדּוֹמֶה וְכֵן לִקְנֹת סְפָרִים לִלְמֹד בָּהֶם, וּלְהַשְׁאִילָן לַאֲחֵרִים לִלְמוֹד בָּהֶם, אִם לֹא הָיָה יְכֹלֶת בְּיָדוֹ, וְלֹא הָיָה עוֹשֶׂה אוֹתָהּ מִצְוָה מֵמָּמוֹן שֶׁלּוֹ, יָכוֹל לַעֲשׂוֹת מִמַּעֲשֵׂר. אִם קוֹנֶה סְפָרִים מִמְּעוֹת מַעֲשֵׂר, צָרִיךְ לִזָּהֵר לְהַשְׁאִילָן לַאֲחֵרִים, אִם לֹא כַּאֲשֶׁר הוּא צָרִיךְ לָהֶם, אֲזַי הוּא קוֹדֵם. וְגַם יִזָּהֵר לִכְתּוֹב עֲלֵיהֶם שֶׁהֵם מִמְּעוֹת מַעֲשֵׂר, לְמַעַן לֹא יַחְזִיקוּ בָּהֶם בָּנָיו אַחֲרָיו (סִימָן רמ"ח).

(4) How much charity should you give? The first year you should give a tenth of the principle; and thereafter, you should give a tenth of the profits you earn each year, [after deducting your household expenses.] This is the medial way [of giving charity]. The commandment is fulfilled in its excellence when you give a fifth the first year from the principle, and every year after that a fifth of the profits. You should not give away more than a fifth, so that you will not become dependent on others. This rule applies only during your lifetime. But as a dying bequest, you are permitted to [donate] up to a third of your estate to charity. You may not use your ma'aseir [charity] funds for other mitzvah obligations, such as buying candles for the synagogue or other items used for a mitzvah, but you must give it to the poor. If you have the opportunity to perform a mitzvah to help in the circumcision of a child, or to marry off a poor bride and groom, or similar situations; or to purchase Torah texts from which to study, and lend them to others for study; you may use the ma'aseir money if you would not be able to accomplish these deeds with your own money. If you buy Torah texts from ma'aseir money, you must be sure to lend them to others; but if you need them yourself, than your needs come first. You should also be sure to inscribe in them that they are from ma'aseir money, so that possession is not taken of them by your children after you.

I use the Internet for the news,

Most modern Poskim have a stance on internet use. Some ban it outright for the possibility of immodest behavior/content. Others allow use of the internet with filters, some others do not require filters.

I do birkas kohanim with my shoes.

רבנן אמרי מהכא דאין הכהנים רשאין לעלות בסנדליהן לדוכן וזהו אחת מתשע תקנות שהתקין רבן יוחנן בן זכאי מאי טעמא לאו משום כבוד צבור אמר רב אשי לא התם שמא נפסקה לו רצועה בסנדלו והדר אזיל למיקטריה ואמרי בן גרושה או בן חלוצה הוא
The Sages say that the importance of showing respect for the congregation is derived from here: The halakha is that the priests are not permitted to ascend the platform to recite the benediction in their sandals, as is taught in a baraita. And this halakha is one of nine ordinances that Rabban Yoḥanan ben Zakkai instituted. What is the reason for this ordinance? Is it not out of respect for the congregation, as it would be disrespectful for the priests to display their dirty sandals in front of the congregants? Rav Ashi said: No, this is not the reason. There, in the baraita, the reason is a concern lest a strap of his sandal break, and he will therefore return to his place to go tie it and not ascend the platform in time for the benediction, and people will say that he was removed from the platform because he is disqualified from the priesthood, as he is the son of a priest and a divorced woman or the son of a priest and a ḥalutza.

Don't turn it down, don't ignore us,

Listen up to the final chorus,

I haven't yet showed you all my cards.

Mir halt shoin by the line fun twenty yards.

Translates to "I have stopped at the 20 yard line"

I do shnayim mikra without the targum,

אָמַר רַב הוּנָא בַּר יְהוּדָה, אָמַר רַבִּי אַמֵּי: לְעוֹלָם יַשְׁלִים אָדָם פָּרָשִׁיּוֹתָיו עִם הַצִּבּוּר. שְׁנַיִם מִקְרָא וְאֶחָד תַּרְגּוּם.
Rav Huna bar Yehuda said that Rabbi Ami said: A person should always complete his Torah portions with the congregation. The congregation reads a particular Torah portion every Shabbat, and during the week prior to each Shabbat, one is required to read the Bible text of the weekly portion twice and the translation once.

When I see an Amaleiki I would never harg him,

(יט) וְהָיָ֡ה בְּהָנִ֣יחַ יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֣יךָ ׀ לְ֠ךָ מִכָּל־אֹ֨יְבֶ֜יךָ מִסָּבִ֗יב בָּאָ֙רֶץ֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר יְהוָֽה־אֱ֠לֹהֶיךָ נֹתֵ֨ן לְךָ֤ נַחֲלָה֙ לְרִשְׁתָּ֔הּ תִּמְחֶה֙ אֶת־זֵ֣כֶר עֲמָלֵ֔ק מִתַּ֖חַת הַשָּׁמָ֑יִם לֹ֖א תִּשְׁכָּֽח׃ (פ)
(19) Therefore, when the LORD your God grants you safety from all your enemies around you, in the land that the LORD your God is giving you as a hereditary portion, you shall blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget!

I'm the biggest ba'al aveiros in the velt,

I never give my kids any chanuka gelt,

My esrog is always full of black dots,

עָלְתָה חֲזָזִית עַל רוּבּוֹ נִטְּלָה פִּטְמָתוֹ נִקְלַף נִסְדַּק נִיקַּב וְחָסַר כׇּל שֶׁהוּא פָּסוּל עָלְתָה חֲזָזִית עַל מִיעוּטוֹ נִטַּל עוּקְצוֹ נִיקַּב וְלֹא חָסַר כׇּל שֶׁהוּא כָּשֵׁר אֶתְרוֹג הַכּוּשִׁי פָּסוּל וְהַיָּרוֹק כְּכַרָּתֵי רַבִּי מֵאִיר מַכְשִׁיר וְרַבִּי יְהוּדָה פּוֹסֵל שִׁיעוּר אֶתְרוֹג הַקָּטָן רַבִּי מֵאִיר אוֹמֵר כֶּאֱגוֹז רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר כְּבֵיצָה וּבַגָּדוֹל כְּדֵי שֶׁיֹּאחַז שְׁנַיִם בְּיָדוֹ דִּבְרֵי רַבִּי יְהוּדָה וְרַבִּי יוֹסֵי אוֹמֵר אֲפִילּוּ אֶחָד בִּשְׁתֵּי יָדָיו:
If boil-like blemishes arose on the majority of the etrog; if its pestle-like protuberance on the upper, blossom end was removed; if the etrog was peeled, split, or pierced and is missing any amount, it is unfit. However, if boil-like blemishes arose only on its minority; if its stem, which connects it to the tree, was removed; or it was pierced but is not missing any amount, it is fit. A Cushite etrog, which is black like a Cushite, is unfit. And with regard to an etrog that is leek green, Rabbi Meir deems it fit and Rabbi Yehuda deems it unfit. What is the minimum measure of a small etrog? Rabbi Meir says: It may be no smaller than a walnut-bulk. Rabbi Yehuda says: It may be no smaller than an egg-bulk. And in a large etrog, the maximum measure is so that one could hold two in his one hand; this is the statement of Rabbi Yehuda. Rabbi Yosei says: It is fit even if it is so large that he can hold only one in his two hands.

I always make a brucheh when I wash urchatz,

(כ) (כ) בלא ברכה - כי יש מקצת הראשונים דסברי שלא הצריכו חכמים נט"י לדבר שטיבולו במשקה אלא בימיהם שהיו אוכלים בטהרה משא"כ עכשיו שכולנו טמאי מתים ולכך לא יברך ענט"י שספק ברכות להקל והנה במ"א הביא בשם הל"ח דהעולם נוהגים שלא ליטול ויש להם על מה שיסמוכו היינו על מקצת הראשונים הנ"ל אבל הרבה אחרונים החמירו מאד בדבר וכתבו דהעיקר כרוב הפוסקים דצריך נטילה מדינא אף בזה"ז ועיין בביאור הגר"א שגם דעתו כן והחמיר מאד בזה שאף צריך לברך ע"ז ולכן אף דהעולם אין נוהגין לברך עכ"פ אין להקל לאכול בלי נטילה. וצריך לזה כל דיני נטילה כמו לפת. ומ"מ בפחות מכזית נ"ל פשוט שאין להחמיר בזה כלל דאפי' בפת הרבה אחרונים מקילין וכנ"ל במ"ב:

(20) Without a Blessing- Because there are some rishonim who hold that the sages only decreed washing your hands for foods that touch the 7 liquids in the times when we kept the laws of spiritual purity. Now-a-days, since we are all contaminated from the dead, we don't make a blessing because we don't make questionable blessings. The Magein Avrahahm brings in the name of the Lechem Hamudos that people are accustomed to not wash. They have what to rely on (e.g. the rishonim we just mentioned), but many achronim are very strict and say that the law is like the majority of rishonim who require washing even now-a-days. See the Bior HaGra who is very strict to even require a blessing on this. Therefore, even though we don't say a blessing, you shouldn't be so lenient as to eat without washing. This washing requires all the laws of washing like bread. However, less than an olive's volume, it is clear that you needn't wash at all on since even with bread many achronim are lenient on this.

I eat in the sukkah on Sh'mini Atzeres,

I toivel in the mikvah holding a sheretz,

By Haman's name I always cheer,

By shulem zuchers I only drink root beer,

Alcohol is typically served at a Shalom Zachar

By the Purim shpiel I never laugh,

For afikomen I use the smaller half,

I only drink gimmel koises,

I eat tons of marror without charoises,

Rosh Hashana by simanim I eat the shvantz,

By my chasunah I had an aveirah tantz.

Too much of your time I'm already spending,

So now I'm gonna take you to the ending,

I hope you like and I hope you enjoy,

This song about a yid who thinks he's a goy.