The Funniest Modern Midrashim You Never Heard of: The Jews Are Coming / HaYehudim Ba'im (For Adults)

Thereupon Esther summoned Hathach, one of the eunuchs whom the king had appointed to serve her, and sent him to Mordecai to learn the why and wherefore of it all. Hathach went out to Mordecai in the city square in front of the palace gate; and Mordecai told him all that had happened to him, and all about the money that Haman had offered to pay into the royal treasury for the destruction of the Jews. He also gave him the written text of the law that had been proclaimed in Shushan for their destruction. [He bade him] show it to Esther and inform her, and charge her to go to the king and to appeal to him and to plead with him for her people. When Hathach came and delivered Mordecai’s message to Esther, Esther told Hathach to take back to Mordecai the following reply: “All the king’s courtiers and the people of the king’s provinces know that if any person, man or woman, enters the king’s presence in the inner court without having been summoned, there is but one law for him—that he be put to death. Only if the king extends the golden scepter to him may he live. Now I have not been summoned to visit the king for the last thirty days.” When Mordecai was told what Esther had said, Mordecai had this message delivered to Esther: “Do not imagine that you, of all the Jews, will escape with your life by being in the king’s palace. On the contrary, if you keep silent in this crisis, relief and deliverance will come to the Jews from another quarter, while you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows, perhaps you have attained to royal position for just such a crisis.”

§ The Gemara mentions other Romans who converted to Judaism. It relates: Onkelos bar Kelonimos converted to Judaism. The Roman emperor sent a troop [gunda] of Roman soldiers after him to seize Onkelos and bring him to the emperor. Onkelos drew them toward him with verses that he cited and learned with them, and they converted. The emperor then sent another troop of Roman soldiers after him, and said to them: Do not say anything to him, so that he cannot convince you with his arguments. The troops followed this instruction, and took Onkelos with them. When they were walking, Onkelos said to the troop of soldiers: I will say a mere statement to you: A minor official [nifyora] holds a torch before a high official [apifyora], the high official holds a torch for a duke [dukasa], a duke for the governor, and the governor for the ruler [koma]. Does the ruler hold a torch before the common people? The soldiers said to Onkelos: No. Onkelos said to them: Yet the Holy One, Blessed be He, holds a torch before the Jewish people, as it is written: “And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud, to lead them the way, and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light” (Exodus 13:21). They all converted. The emperor then sent another troop of soldiers after him, to bring Onkelos, and said to them: Do not converse with him at all. The troops followed this instruction, and took Onkelos with them. While they grabbed him and were walking, Onkelos saw a mezuza that was placed on the doorway. He placed his hand upon it and said to the soldiers: What is this? They said to him: You tell us. Onkelos said to them: The standard practice throughout the world is that a king of flesh and blood sits inside his palace, and his servants stand guard, protecting him outside; but with regard to the Holy One, Blessed be He, His servants, the Jewish people, sit inside their homes and He guards over them outside. As it is stated: “The Lord shall guard your going out and your coming in, from now and forever” (Psalms 121:8). Upon hearing this, those soldiers also converted to Judaism. After that, the emperor sent no more soldiers after him.

§ The mishna taught: An incident occurred in which the people sent a message to Ḥoni HaMe’aggel. This event is related in greater detail in the following baraita. The Sages taught: Once, most of the month of Adar had passed but rain had still not fallen. They sent this message to Ḥoni HaMe’aggel: Pray, and rain will fall. He prayed, but no rain fell. He drew a circle in the dust and stood inside it, in the manner that the prophet Habakkuk did, as it is stated: “And I will stand upon my watch and set myself upon the tower, and I will look out to see what He will say to me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved” (Habakkuk 2:1). This verse is taken to mean that Habakkuk fashioned a kind of prison for himself where he sat.

(2) Yosei ben Yo’ezer says not to place one’s hands on offerings before slaughtering them on a Festival because this is considered performing labor with an animal on a Festival. His colleague, Yosef ben Yoḥanan, says to place them; Yehoshua ben Peraḥya says not to place them; Nitai HaArbeli says to place them; Yehuda ben Tabbai says not to place them; Shimon ben Shataḥ says to place them; Shemaya says to place them; Avtalyon says not to place them. Hillel and Menaḥem did not disagree with regard to this issue. Menaḥem departed from his post, and Shammai entered in his stead. Shammai says not to place them; Hillel says to place them. The first members of each pair served as Nasi, and their counterparts served as deputy Nasi.

(3) Beit Shammai say: One may bring peace-offerings on a Festival because both the owners and the priests partake of them, but one may not place his hands on them, on the peace-offerings before sacrificing them. However, one may not bring burnt-offerings at all because they are not eaten, and labor is permitted on Festivals only for the sake of preparing food for humans. And Beit Hillel say: One may bring peace-offerings and also burnt-offerings, and one places his hands on both of them.

(11) The earth became corrupt before God; the earth was filled with lawlessness. (12) When God saw how corrupt the earth was, for all flesh had corrupted its ways on earth, (13) God said to Noah, “I have decided to put an end to all flesh, for the earth is filled with lawlessness because of them: I am about to destroy them with the earth. (14) Make yourself an ark of gopher wood; make it an ark with compartments, and cover it inside and out with pitch. (15) This is how you shall make it: the length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. (16) Make an opening for daylight in the ark, and terminate it within a cubit of the top. Put the entrance to the ark in its side; make it with bottom, second, and third decks. (17) “For My part, I am about to bring the Flood—waters upon the earth—to destroy all flesh under the sky in which there is breath of life; everything on earth shall perish.

(11) Jacob answered his mother Rebekah, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man and I am smooth-skinned. (12) If my father touches me, I shall appear to him as a trickster and bring upon myself a curse, not a blessing.” (13) But his mother said to him, “Your curse, my son, be upon me! Just do as I say and go fetch them for me.” (14) He got them and brought them to his mother, and his mother prepared a dish such as his father liked. (15) Rebekah then took the best clothes of her older son Esau, which were there in the house, and had her younger son Jacob put them on; (16) and she covered his hands and the hairless part of his neck with the skins of the kids. (17) Then she put in the hands of her son Jacob the dish and the bread that she had prepared. (18) He went to his father and said, “Father.” And he said, “Yes, which of my sons are you?” (19) Jacob said to his father, “I am Esau, your first-born; I have done as you told me. Pray sit up and eat of my game, that you may give me your innermost blessing.” (20) Isaac said to his son, “How did you succeed so quickly, my son?” And he said, “Because the LORD your God granted me good fortune.” (21) Isaac said to Jacob, “Come closer that I may feel you, my son—whether you are really my son Esau or not.” (22) So Jacob drew close to his father Isaac, who felt him and wondered. “The voice is the voice of Jacob, yet the hands are the hands of Esau.” (23) He did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; and so he blessed him. (24) He asked, “Are you really my son Esau?” And when he said, “I am,” (25) he said, “Serve me and let me eat of my son’s game that I may give you my innermost blessing.” So he served him and he ate, and he brought him wine and he drank. (26) Then his father Isaac said to him, “Come close and kiss me, my son”; (27) and he went up and kissed him. And he smelled his clothes and he blessed him, saying, “Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of the fields that the LORD has blessed. (28) “May God give you Of the dew of heaven and the fat of the earth, Abundance of new grain and wine. (29) Let peoples serve you, And nations bow to you; Be master over your brothers, And let your mother’s sons bow to you. Cursed be they who curse you, Blessed they who bless you.” (30) No sooner had Jacob left the presence of his father Isaac—after Isaac had finished blessing Jacob—than his brother Esau came back from his hunt. (31) He too prepared a dish and brought it to his father. And he said to his father, “Let my father sit up and eat of his son’s game, so that you may give me your innermost blessing.” (32) His father Isaac said to him, “Who are you?” And he said, “I am your son, Esau, your first-born!” (33) Isaac was seized with very violent trembling. “Who was it then,” he demanded, “that hunted game and brought it to me? Moreover, I ate of it before you came, and I blessed him; now he must remain blessed!” (34) When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst into wild and bitter sobbing, and said to his father, “Bless me too, Father!” (35) But he answered, “Your brother came with guile and took away your blessing.” (36) [Esau] said, “Was he, then, named Jacob that he might supplant me these two times? First he took away my birthright and now he has taken away my blessing!” And he added, “Have you not reserved a blessing for me?” (37) Isaac answered, saying to Esau, “But I have made him master over you: I have given him all his brothers for servants, and sustained him with grain and wine. What, then, can I still do for you, my son?” (38) And Esau said to his father, “Have you but one blessing, Father? Bless me too, Father!” And Esau wept aloud.

Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gained a male child with the help of the LORD.” She then bore his brother Abel. Abel became a keeper of sheep, and Cain became a tiller of the soil. In the course of time, Cain brought an offering to the LORD from the fruit of the soil; and Abel, for his part, brought the choicest of the firstlings of his flock. The LORD paid heed to Abel and his offering, but to Cain and his offering He paid no heed. Cain was much distressed and his face fell. And the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you distressed, And why is your face fallen? Surely, if you do right, There is uplift. But if you do not do right Sin couches at the door; Its urge is toward you, Yet you can be its master.” Cain said to his brother Abel … and when they were in the field, Cain set upon his brother Abel and killed him. The LORD said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” And he said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?” Then He said, “What have you done? Hark, your brother’s blood cries out to Me from the ground! Therefore, you shall be more cursed than the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.

It is a great mitzvah to always be happy, and to make every effort to determinedly keep depression and gloom at bay.

The main thing is to encourage oneself in every way possible {for there is no such thing as despair! (What he said was: Kein yiush iz gor nit fahr-handin !) He drew out these words Kein yiush…, and said them emphatically and with very amazing and awesome depth, in order to instruct and hint to each and every person throughout the generations not to despair under any circumstances, no matter what happens to him.} And be what may, even if one has fallen to where he has fallen, God spare us, since he encourages himself with something, he still has hope of repenting and returning to God.

In truth, even in a concealment within the concealment, God—i.e., the letters of the Torah—is enclothed there, because nothing has life force without Him, as explained above. It is just that because of an overabundance of sin, the words of the Living God have been totally overturned to where the wisdom of Torah becomes foolishness for him, to the point that he is completely unaware even of this itself, so that it appears to him permissible, as explained above. This is the aspect of a concealment within a concealment, as explained above.

And [Moshe] engaged in settling the world, so that it should be inhabited by human beings. The essential human element is daat (unitive knowledge and awareness of God). Someone without daat is not part of the human race and does not deserve to be called human. He is nothing more than a beast with the appearance of a human being.

The LORD spoke to Moses, saying: Command Aaron and his sons thus: This is the ritual of the burnt offering: The burnt offering itself shall remain where it is burned upon the altar all night until morning, while the fire on the altar is kept going on it.

When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, the people gathered against Aaron and said to him, “Come, make us a god who shall go before us, for that man Moses, who brought us from the land of Egypt—we do not know what has happened to him.” Aaron said to them, “Take off the gold rings that are on the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.” And all the people took off the gold rings that were in their ears and brought them to Aaron. This he took from them and cast in a mold, and made it into a molten calf. And they exclaimed, “This is your god, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt!” When Aaron saw this, he built an altar before it; and Aaron announced: “Tomorrow shall be a festival of the LORD!” Early next day, the people offered up burnt offerings and brought sacrifices of well-being; they sat down to eat and drink, and then rose to dance. The LORD spoke to Moses, “Hurry down, for your people, whom you brought out of the land of Egypt, have acted basely. They have been quick to turn aside from the way that I enjoined upon them. They have made themselves a molten calf and bowed low to it and sacrificed to it, saying: ‘This is your god, O Israel, who brought you out of the land of Egypt!’”

You shall not swear falsely by the name of the LORD your God; for the LORD will not clear one who swears falsely by His name.

6. And God said to Moses. R. Abba b. Mammel said: God said to Moses: 'You wish to know My name; I am called according to My deeds. Sometimes I am called "El Shadday", "Tzveo'ot", "Elohim", "YHVH". When I judge the creations I am called "Elohim" [Judge].’ When I am waging war against the wicked I am called "Tzveo'ot" [Lord of Hosts]. When I suspend [punishment] for a man's sins I am called "El Shadday" (Almighty God). When I am merciful towards My world, I am called "YHVH,"' for "YHVH" only refers to the attribute of mercy, as it is said: "The Lord, the Lord (YHVH, YHVH), God, merciful and gracious." Hence, "ehyeh asher ehyeh" [I am that I am, or I will be that I will be] - I am called according to My deeds.’ R. Yitzhak said: God said to Moses: ' Tell them, that I am who was, that I am now, and that I will be in the future.' For this reason the word "eheyeh" is written three times. Another explanation of "ehyeh asher ehyeh": R. Jacob b. R. Abina in the name of R. Huna of Tzippori: God said to Moses: ‘Tell them, in this servitude I will be with them, and in the continuing servitude I will be with them!'’ Moses said to God: '‘I should tell them this? An evil is sufficient in its time [I should just mention the present servitude and not its continuation]?' God replied: 'No: Thus you shall say to the children of Israel: "Ehyeh has sent me to you.’" I am [only] revealing this to you, but not to them.'’ Another interpretation: "Ehyeh." R. Yitzhak said in the name of R. Ammi: They are standing in clay and bricks and they will go on to [another servitude of] clay and bricks. So too in the case of Daniel: "And I Daniel fainted and was sick" (Daniel 8:27).Moses said to God: ‘'I should tell them this?' God replied: 'No, "Thus you shall say to the children of Israel: "Ehyeh has sent me to you.’"' R. Yohanan said: I am that I am to individuals, but regarding the multitude I will rule over them even against their will and desires, even though they break their teeth, as it is said: "As I live, says the Lord God, surely with a mighty hand and with an outstretched arm, and with fury poured out, will I be King over you" (Ezekiel 20:33). Another interpretation: R. ‘Ananiel b. R. Sasson said: God said: ‘When I desire, one of the angels who is one third of the world, stretches out his hand from heaven and touches the earth, as it says: "And the form of a hand was sent forth, and I was taken by a lock of my head" (ibid. 8:3). And when I desire three of them, I made them sitting beneath a tree, as it is said: "And recline under the tree" (Genesis 18:4). And when I desire, His glory fills the entire world, as it is said: "'Do I not fill heaven and earth?' says the Lord (Jeremiah 23:24). And when I wished, I spoke with Job from the whirlwind, as it is said: "Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind" (Job 38:1). And when I wish, [I speak] from a thorn-bush.