Rabbi M. Shuchatowitz- The Living Marriage -Unity- Physical Desire and Intimacy

דרש רב עוירא בשכר נשים צדקניות שהיו באותו הדור נגאלו ישראל ממצרים בשעה שהולכות לשאוב מים הקב"ה מזמן להם דגים קטנים בכדיהן ושואבות מחצה מים ומחצה דגים ובאות ושופתות שתי קדירות אחת של חמין ואחת של דגים ומוליכות אצל בעליהן לשדה ומרחיצות אותן וסכות אותן ומאכילות אותן ומשקות אותן ונזקקות להן בין שפתים שנאמר (תהלים סח, יד) אם תשכבון בין שפתים וגו' בשכר תשכבון בין שפתים זכו ישראל לביזת מצרים שנאמר (תהלים סח, יד) כנפי יונה נחפה בכסף ואברותיה בירקרק חרוץ

Sotah 11b:4-5

§ Rav Avira taught: In the merit of the righteous women that were in that generation, the Jewish people were redeemed from Egypt. He tells of their righteous actions: At the time when these women would go to the river to draw water, the Holy One, Blessed be He, would materialize for them small fish that would enter into their pitchers, and they would therefore draw pitchers that were half filled with water and half filled with fish. And they would then come and place two pots on the fire, one pot of hot water for washing their husbands and one pot of fish with which to feed them. And they would then take what they prepared to their husbands, to the field, and would bathe their husbands and anoint them with oil and feed them the fish and give them to drink and bond with them in sexual intercourse between the sheepfolds, i.e., between the borders and fences of the fields, as it is stated: “When you lie among the sheepfolds, the wings of the dove are covered with silver, and her pinions with the shimmer of gold” (Psalms 68:14), which is interpreted to mean that as a reward for “when you lie among the sheepfolds,” the Jewish people merited to receive the plunder of Egypt, as it is stated in the continuation of the verse, as a reference to the Jewish people: “The wings of the dove are covered with silver, and her pinions with the shimmer of gold” (Psalms 68:14).

בראשית ב׳:כ״ד

(כד) עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזָב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃

Genesis 2:24

(24) Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.

בבא מציעא פ״ד א:ד׳

אמרה להו ההיא מטרוניתא בניכם אינם שלכם אמרו לה שלהן גדול משלנו כל שכן איכא דאמרי הכי אמרו לה (שופטים ח, כא) כי כאיש גבורתו איכא דאמרי הכי אמרו לה אהבה דוחקת את הבשר

Bava Metzia 84a:4

A certain Roman noblewoman [matronita] once said to them: Your children are not really your own, as due to your obesity it is impossible that you engaged in intercourse with your wives. They said to her: Theirs, i.e., our wives’ bellies, are larger than ours. She said to them: All the more so you could not have had intercourse. There are those who say that this is what they said to her: “For as the man is, so is his strength” (Judges 8:21), i.e., our sexual organs are proportionate to our bellies. There are those who say that this is what they said to her: Love compresses the flesh.

נדה י״ז א:ט״ז

אימא בודקין מטותיהם ביום הכי נמי מסתברא דאי ס"ד משמשין מזכירין אותן לשבח אין ה"נ דאגב דאיכא אונס שינה מגניא באפיה

Niddah 17a:16

The Gemara answers: Say that they would examine their beds, i.e., check the examination cloths, by day. The Gemara adds: So too, it is reasonable that this is the correct explanation, as if it should enter your mind that it means that they would engage in intercourse by day, even if it is permitted, would the Sages have mentioned them favorably for this practice? The Gemara refutes this proof: Yes, it is indeed so. There is a praiseworthy aspect to engaging in intercourse by day, as at night there is a risk of being overcome by sleep, because the husband might be too tired after the exertions of the day, and consequently his wife who desires sexual intercourse might be repulsive to him.

בראשית ל״ט:ו׳

(ו) וַיַּעֲזֹ֣ב כָּל־אֲשֶׁר־לוֹ֮ בְּיַד־יוֹסֵף֒ וְלֹא־יָדַ֤ע אִתּוֹ֙ מְא֔וּמָה כִּ֥י אִם־הַלֶּ֖חֶם אֲשֶׁר־ה֣וּא אוֹכֵ֑ל וַיְהִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף יְפֵה־תֹ֖אַר וִיפֵ֥ה מַרְאֶֽה׃

Genesis 39:6

(6) He left all that he had in Joseph’s hands and, with him there, he paid attention to nothing save the food that he ate. Now Joseph was well built and handsome.

עירובין ק׳ ב:י״ט

ואילו גבי לאה כתיב ותצא לאה לקראתו ותאמר אלי תבוא כי שכור שכרתיך וכתיב ומבני יששכר יודעי בינה לעתים לדעת מה יעשה ישראל ראשיהם מאתים וכל אחיהם על פיהם

Eruvin 100b:19

While with regard to Leah, it is written: “And Leah went out to meet him, and said, You must come in to me, for indeed I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes” (Genesis 30:16). Her reward for demanding that Jacob fulfill the conjugal mitzva with her was the birth of Issachar, and it is written: “And of the children of Issachar, men who had understanding of the times, to know what Israel ought to do; the heads of them were two hundred, and all their brethren were at their commandment” (I Chronicles 12:33).

פסחים ע״ב ב:ט״ז

והא איכא שמחת עונה שלא בשעת עונתה

Pesachim 72b:16

The Gemara raises another question: Nevertheless, there is the mitzva of the enjoyment of conjugal rights. One of a husband’s marital obligations is to engage in sexual intercourse with his wife at regular intervals (see Exodus 21:10), and this is considered a mitzva. The Gemara answers that we are talking about a case where it is not the time of her conjugal rights.

ברכות ס״ב א:ג׳

רַב כָּהֲנָא עָל, גְּנָא תּוּתֵיהּ פּוּרְיֵיהּ דְּרַב. שַׁמְעֵיהּ דְּשָׂח וְשָׂחַק וְעָשָׂה צְרָכָיו. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: דָּמֵי פּוּמֵּיהּ דְּאַבָּא כִּדְלָא שָׂרֵיף תַּבְשִׁילָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: כָּהֲנָא, הָכָא אַתְּ? פּוּק, דְּלָאו אֹרַח אַרְעָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: תּוֹרָה הִיא, וְלִלְמוֹד אֲנִי צָרִיךְ.

Berakhot 62a:3

On a similar note, the Gemara relates that Rav Kahana entered and lay beneath Rav’s bed. He heard Rav chatting and laughing with his wife, and seeing to his needs, i.e., having relations with her. Rav Kahana said to Rav: The mouth of Abba, Rav, is like one whom has never eaten a cooked dish, i.e., his behavior was lustful. Rav said to him: Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is an undesirable mode of behavior. Rav Kahana said to him: It is Torah, and I must learn.

שמות כ״א:י׳

(י) אִם־אַחֶ֖רֶת יִֽקַּֽח־ל֑וֹ שְׁאֵרָ֛הּ כְּסוּתָ֥הּ וְעֹנָתָ֖הּ לֹ֥א יִגְרָֽע׃

Exodus 21:10

(10) If he marries another, he must not withhold from this one her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights.

פסחים צ״ט ב:א׳-ב׳

מתני׳ ערב פסחים סמוך למנחה לא יאכל אדם עד שתחשך אפילו עני שבישראל לא יאכל עד שיסב ולא יפחתו לו מארבע כוסות של יין ואפילו מן התמחוי: גמ׳ מאי איריא ערבי פסחים אפילו ערבי שבתות וימים טובים נמי דתניא לא יאכל אדם בערבי שבתות וימים טובים מן המנחה ולמעלה כדי שיכנס לשבת כשהוא תאוה דברי רבי יהודה רבי יוסי אומר אוכל והולך עד שתחשך

Pesachim 99b:1-2

MISHNA: On the eve of Passover, adjacent to minḥa time, a person may not eat until dark, so that he will be able to eat matza that night with a hearty appetite. Even the poorest of Jews should not eat the meal on Passover night until he reclines on his left side, as free and wealthy people recline when they eat. And the distributors of charity should not give a poor person less than four cups of wine for the Festival meal of Passover night. And this halakha applies even if the poor person is one of the poorest members of society and receives his food from the charity plate. GEMARA: The Gemara expresses surprise at the mishna’s statement that one may not eat on Passover eve from the time that is adjacent to minḥa. Why discuss this halakha particularly with regard to the eves of Passover? Even on the eves of Shabbat and other Festivals it is also prohibited to eat in the late afternoon, as it was taught in a baraita: A person should not eat on the eves of Shabbat and Festivals from minḥa time onward, so that he will enter Shabbat when he has a desire to eat and he will enjoy the Shabbat meal; this is the statement of Rabbi Yehuda. Rabbi Yosei says: One may continue eating until dark.

אורח חיים ר״מ:א׳

(א) איך יתנהג האדם בתשמיש מטתו. ובו יז סעיפים:
אם היה נשוי לא יהא רגיל ביותר עם אשתו אלא בעונה האמורה בתורה הטיילים שפרנסתן מצויה להם ואין פורעים מס עונתן בכל יום. הפועלים שעשו מלאכה בעיר אחרת ולנין בכל לילה בבתיהם פעם אחת בשבוע ואם עושים מלאכה בעירם פעמים בשבוע. החמרים אחת בשבוע. הגמלים אחת לשלשים יום. הספנים אחת לששה חדשים. ועונת תלמידי חכמים מליל שבת לליל שבת וכל אדם צריך לפקוד את אשתו בליל טבילתה ובשעה שיוצא לדרך אם אינו הולך לדבר מצוה וכן אם אשתו מניקה והוא מכיר בה שהיא משדלתו ומרצה אותו ומקשטת עצמה לפניו כדי שיתן דעתו עליה חייב לפקדה. ואף כשהוא מצוי אצלה לא יכוין להנאתו אלא כאדם שפורע חובו שהוא חייב בעונתה ולקיים מצות בוראו שיהיו לו בנים עוסקים בתורה ומקיימים מצות בישראל וכן אם מכוין לתקון הולד שבששה חדשים אחרונים יפה לו שמתוך כך יצא מלובן ומזורז שפיר דמי. ואם הוא מכוין לגדור עצמו בה כדי שלא יתאוה לעבירה כי רואה יצרו גובר ומתאוה אל הדבר ההוא: הגה גם בזה יש קבול שכר אך (טור) יותר טוב היה לו לדחות את יצרו ולכבוש אותו כי אבר קטן יש באדם מרעיבו שבע משביעו רעב אבל מי שאינו צריך לדבר אלא שמעורר תאותו כדי למלאות תאותו זו היא עצת יצר הרע ומן ההיתר יסיתנו אל האיסור ועל זה אמרו רבותינו ז"ל המקשה עצמו לדעת יהא בנדוי:

Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 240:1

(1) If a person is married, he should not be too frequent in his relations with his wife, but rather according to the schedule specified in the Torah. Idle men, who have means of living and do not pay taxes, their schedule is once every day; hired hands who work in another town and sleep every night at their homes, once a week; and if they work in their own town, twice a week; donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once in thirty days; seamen, once in six months; the schedule of Torah Scholars is from Friday night to Friday night; and every man should visit his wife on the night she immerses, and before he embarks on a journey unless it is for a mitzvah matter. This applies [even] if his wife is nursing a child; and [if] he realizes that she is soliciting him and seeking to please him and preens herself before him so that he would pay attention to her, he must visit her. Even when he is with her, he should not seek his own pleasure, but be like someone paying his debt that he owes her at her schedule, and to fulfil the obligation of his Creator, so that he may have children who study Torah and keep mitzvot in Israel; and so too if his intent is for the benefit of the fetus, since during the last six months it benefits it, causing it to come out purified and lively, it is good; and also if he intends to restrain himself through her in order to prevent him from lusting after sin, since he sees his urges getting the better of him and lusting after that thing. Rem"a: For this too one receives reward, but it would have been better if he would resist his urges and overcome them, since man has a small member: when he starves it, he is satisfied; when he satisfies it, he starves. But anyone who doesn't need it, but arouses his lust to fulfil his desires, this is the evil urge's counsel, and from what is permitted to him it will lead him to what is prohibited, and about this our Rabbis o.b.m. said: One who hardens himself intentionally shall be in niduy.

ראש השנה כ״ח א:י״ב

אלא אמר רבא אחד זה ואחד זה לא יצא הדר אמר אחד זה ואחד זה יצא מצות לאו ליהנות ניתנו

Rosh Hashanah 28a:12

Rather, Rava said: Both this one, the shofar of a burnt-offering, and the other one, the shofar of a peace-offering, are governed by the same halakha: If he sounded them, he has not fulfilled his obligation. Later, Rava retracted his statement and then said the opposite: Both this one, the shofar of a burnt-offering, and the other one, the shofar of a peace-offering, are governed by the same halakha: If he sounded them, he has fulfilled his obligation. The reason for this is that mitzvot were not given for benefit. That is to say, the fulfillment of a mitzva is not in itself considered a benefit, and in the absence of benefit, one is not liable for misuse.

ברכות ס״ב ב:ב׳

בַּר קַפָּרָא הֲוָה מְזַבֵּן מִילֵּי בְּדִינָרֵי: עַד דְּכָפְנַתְּ — אֱכוֹל. עַד דְּצָחֵית — שְׁתִי, עַד דְּרָתְחָא קִדְרָךָ — שְׁפוֹךְ. קַרְנָא קָרְיָא בְּרוֹמִי, בַּר מְזַבֵּין תְּאֵנֵי, תְּאֵנֵי דַּאֲבוּךְ זַבֵּין.

Berakhot 62b:2

Similarly, the Gemara relates: Bar Kappara would sell sayings for dinars; he would express his ideas in brief maxims. For example: If you are hungry, eat; do not delay eating, as the hunger may pass and your food will be of no benefit. So too, if you are thirsty, drink; while the pot is still boiling, pour it out before it cools off. This is a metaphor for relieving oneself. Bar Kappara also said: When the horn is sounded in Rome, signifying that there is demand for figs in the Roman market, son of a fig seller, sell your father’s figs, even without his permission, so as not to miss the opportunity.

משלי י״ח:א׳

(א) לְֽ֭תַאֲוָה יְבַקֵּ֣שׁ נִפְרָ֑ד בְּכָל־תּ֝וּשִׁיָּ֗ה יִתְגַּלָּֽע׃

Proverbs 18:1

(1) He who isolates himself pursues his desires; He disdains all competence.

ויקרא י״ט:ב׳

(ב) דַּבֵּ֞ר אֶל־כָּל־עֲדַ֧ת בְּנֵי־יִשְׂרָאֵ֛ל וְאָמַרְתָּ֥ אֲלֵהֶ֖ם קְדֹשִׁ֣ים תִּהְי֑וּ כִּ֣י קָד֔וֹשׁ אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃

Leviticus 19:2

(2) Speak to the whole Israelite community and say to them: You shall be holy, for I, the LORD your God, am holy.

נדרים כ׳ ב:ז׳

ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם מכאן אמר רבי אל ישתה אדם בכוס זה ויתן עיניו בכוס אחר אמר רבינא לא נצרכא אלא דאפילו שתי נשיו

Nedarim 20b:7

§ The verse states: “And that you not go about after your own heart” (Numbers 15:39). Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi said that it is derived from here that a man should not drink from this cup while setting his eyes on another cup, i.e., one should not engage in sexual intercourse with one woman while thinking about another woman. Ravina said: This statement is not necessary with regard to an unrelated woman. Rather, it is necessary only to state that even with regard to his own two wives, he should not engage in sexual intercourse with one while thinking about the other.

פסחים קי״ב א:י״ד

לא תבשל בקדירה שבישל בה חבירך מאי ניהו גרושה בחיי בעלה דאמר מר גרוש שנשא גרושה ארבע דעות במטה ואי בעית אימא אפילו באלמנה לפי

Pesachim 112a:14

Rabbi Akiva further told Rabbi Shimon ben Yoḥai: Do not cook in a pot in which your colleague cooked his food. The Gemara asks: What is the meaning of this statement? The Gemara explains: Rabbi Akiva is referring to marrying a divorced woman in the lifetime of her former husband. As the Master said: If a divorced man marries a divorced woman, there are four minds in the bed during intimacy. Each person thinks about his current and former spouse, which verges on illegitimacy. And if you wish, say instead that this advice holds true even with regard to marrying a widow, as