Shaarei Teshuva - Gates of Repentance #2

(8) And we have surely seen that the iniquities of the generation have increased on account of this. For there are many people who do [not] take upon themselves to guard against specific sins. And they do not guard against them all the days of their lives, but [these sins] are rather like something permitted to them. And if they were only behaving like this with one sin, it would have been a bad disease upon their souls - as we explained. All the more when they behave so with many negative commandments, including weighty ones - such as unnecessary oaths, cursing one's fellow or oneself with [God's] name; mentioning God's name unnecessarily, in an impure place or with unclean hands; diverting one's eyes from the poor, evil speech, baseless hatred, pride, terrorizing [others], staring at those sexually forbidden - and the neglect of Torah is equal to all of them [together]. And there are many like this - we have written some of them for the people of the generation, to remind them and to warn them. And likewise is it fitting for all penitents to write in a scroll-book the things that they have stumbled upon, and the commandments in which their performance has fallen short; and to read from this book of memoirs every day.

(9) And behold that there are many levels of repentance. It is true that you will find forgiveness for any repentance. However the soul will only find complete purification - to be as if the iniquities never had been - when a person purifies his heart and prepares his spirit, as will be explained. And so is it written (Psalms 32:2), "Happy is the man whom the Lord does not hold guilty, and in whose spirit there is no deceit." And it is like the matter of a garment that needs washing: For a little washing will be effective to remove its soiling. However, it will [only] whiten according to the amount of washing. And so is it written there (Psalms 51:4), "Wash me thoroughly of my iniquity." And the soul will be washed from iniquity according to how you wash its heart, as it is stated (Jeremiah 4:14), "Wash your heart clean of wickedness, O Jerusalem." And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, said (Avodah Zarah 19a), "'Happy is the man who fears the Lord' (Psalms 112:1) - when he is still a man." This means to say that the most elevated repentance of a man is in the days of his youth - [when] he overcomes his impulse when his strength is still with him. However any repentance is effective, as it is stated (Psalms 90:3), "You return man to dust; You said, 'Return you mortals!'" And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, said (Yerushalmi Chagigah 2:1), "Until the soul turns to dust."

(10) Now we will explain the principles of repentance. The first principle is regret: His heart should understand that leaving God is bad and bitter; and he should place into his heart that there is punishment, vengeance and repayment for iniquity, as it is stated (Deuteronomy 32:35), "To be My vengeance and repayment." And it is stated (Job 19:29), "Be in fear of the sword, for [your] fury is iniquity worthy of the sword." And he should regret his bad deeds and say in his heart, "What have I done? How did I not have fear of God in front of my eyes, and did not become afraid from the rebukes of iniquity and from the harsh judgments? For there are many aches [waiting] for the evildoer. I did not pity my body; and for a moment of pleasure, my eyes did not pity its being destroyed. I became like a man who robs and extorts, eats and is satiated; but who knows that after his eating and his drinking, the judge will grind his teeth with gravel - like the matter that is stated (Proverbs 20:17), 'but later his mouth will be filled with gravel.' And worse than this, I was cruel to the dear soul and I rendered it impure with the idols of my impulse. And what did it gain from all of its acquisitions, if they are bad in the eyes of its Master? And how did I trade a passing world for a world that exists for ever and ever? How have I become similar to animals? As I have gone after my impulse like a horse, like a mule that does not understand. And I have strayed from the way of the intellect. And behold the Creator blew a living soul into my nose - a wise heart and the benefit of intellect - in order to recognize Him and fear Him and to govern over the body and all of its actions, like it governs over the other animals that do not speak, because it is precious in His eyes. And though I was created like this, it has become the opposite of this in me. Why am I alive? It is like the matter that is stated (Proverbs 21:16), 'A man who strays from the path of the intellect will rest in the company of ghosts.' Moreover I have not [even] fulfilled the precept of the animal. Rather I have been lower than that. For the ox knows its master and the donkey the trough of its owner; whereas I have not known and not reflected. And I have sent my soul to be free from its master. So I have tasted my nectar, but forgotten my end. And I have stolen and extorted and trampled upon the indigent. I have not remembered the day of death, upon which nothing will remain before my soul besides my corpse and my dirt." And this matter that we have explained is that which Jeremiah, peace be upon him, had spoken, "No one regrets his wickedness and says, 'What have I done?'"

(11) The second principle is leaving the sin: That he should leave his evil ways and decide with all of his heart that he will not continue to return this way again. And if he did evil, he shall not do [it any] more, like the matter that is stated, (Ezekiel 33:11), "Return, return from your evil ways"; and [likewise] stated (Isaiah 55:17), "Let the wicked give up his ways." But know that [in the case of] one who sins by happenstance because he had a desire and his impulse overpowered him and attacked him, whereas his ideas and senses did not rescue him when he encountered it; so they were not quick to rebuke him in the sea of desire, to dry it up - hence the impulse dragged him into its nets and he fell into its snares at that particular time and instant, at the time that the spirit of the evil impulse kicked him down, but not because of his [own] desire and will to find his iniquity and to do like this afterwards: The beginning of the repentance of this man is regret; to place sorrow into his heart about his sin, to have his soul be afflicted and bitter like wormwood. Afterwards, he should increase the fear of sin in his heart every day, and put the dread of God into his heart at all times, until his heart becomes steady in the trust of God. As if the impulse comes across him again - like it does from time to time - and his desire become fanned like the first case, his heart will not be seduced by it and he will abandon its path. [This is] as it is stated (Proverbs 28:13), "but one who confesses and abandons [them] will find mercy" - it mentions "confesses" first, about the regret and the confession; and afterwards, "abandons." However [in the case of] one who is constantly positioned on the path that is not good, and the man who treads on his sins every day and repeats them in his foolishness; and who runs after it many times in his race, loves his evil all the time, places the trap of his iniquity in front of his face - meaning his desire and impulse - and his craving is his occupation; he does not prevent himself from doing anything that he wants to do: For such a man, the beginning of his repentance is to abandon his evil way and thoughts, and to agree, resolve and accept upon himself to not continue sinning. Afterwards, he should regret and return to God, as it is stated (Isaiah 55:7), "Let the wicked give up his ways, the sinful man his plans; let him turn back to the Lord, and He will pardon him." And the parable for this is about one who holds a sherets (an impure crawling animal) and comes to immerse and become pure. For he must first leave the sherets, and then immerse and become purified. But all the time that the sherets is in his hand, his impurity is still with him and the immersion is ineffective. And behold that leaving the thoughts of sin is [equivalent to] throwing out the sherets; and the regret of that which he sinned, the confession and the prayer are in place of the immersion. And when afflictions and aches come upon the evildoer for whom all of his plans are to continue with his crimes, he is first afflicted. And then he repents from the evil thoughts that he thought and cuts off the actions from his hands. And the parable for this is about a calf which they hit with a cow prod to direct his [work on the] furrows. So is one who is positioned on a path that is not good. He should take the chastisement first, to abandon the ways of death and to walk in a straight path - as it is written (Jeremiah 31:18), "I can hear Ephraim lamenting, 'You have chastised me, and I am chastised like a calf that has not been broken.'" And it is further stated after it (Jeremiah 31:19), "Now that I have turned back, I am filled with remorse." [This] means to say, "After you chastised me, and I was chastised and returned from my evil ways; I was filled with remorse afterwards and regretted what occurred with my iniquities." So behold that all of this matter that we have explained has been clarified for you.

(12) The third principle is grief: His conscience should darken as he thinks about the great evil of one who rebels against his Maker. He should magnify the grief in his heart, experience a storm in his thoughts and sigh with a bitter heart. For it is possible for him to regret all the sins that he did and find them to be bad in his eyes, yet not fill his measure in this. For even the loss of a dinar or an isar (a small coin) is difficult in the eyes of a man. However, if he lost [all of] his wealth in a bad way and was cleaned out of possessions, his soul would [actually] mourn and his sighing would be heavy. And likewise is his pain infinite and his grief daily for many and frequent troubles. And more than [about] these is it fitting to be distressed and constantly sigh for one who rebelled against God, may He be blessed, was destructive, performed disgusting acts in front of Him; and who did not remember his Maker who created him ex nihilo, did kindness with him, placed His hand upon him at every instant and guards his spirit at all times - how could he have the temerity to bring anger in front of Him? And how were the eyes of the sinner shut from seeing; from having his heart understand? And one who understands and has eyes opened will inscribe these words onto his heart, so that they will enter the chambers of his spirit.

(13) And the levels of repentance and their stature is based on the greatness of the bitterness and the power of the grief. And that is repentance that comes by way of the purification of the soul and the purity of its intellect. For according to his intellect and according to that which he opens his eyes will be the grief of his thoughts about his great poverty. As it is stated (Isaiah 57:16), "For I will not always contend, I will not be angry forever; nay, when spirits in front of Me cover themselves, I who create the souls." Its explanation is that according to that which the spirit - which is in front of me - covers itself and is distressed, and the souls which I have made cover themselves; I will not contend and I will not be angry. For how can I not have grace and mercy upon the precious soul that is in front of Me? Therefore the sin will be light according to the weightiness of the service of the sighing about it. For grief comes from the purification of the highest soul. And it is accepted through this more than it would be accepted by many afflictions and aches of the body. And the parable for this is that a king has mercy on his attendants that were born in his household that are close to him and from the respected nobles of the land - and he gives them grace - more than on the distant and smaller ones. And it states, "I who create the souls," due to their closeness to the higher ones, even though the body and everything [else] are the work of His hands. And like this is (Exodus 32:16), "The tablets were God’s work." And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Kiddushin 30a), "There are three partners in a man: His father, his mother and the Holy One, blessed be He." But because the father and mother have no partnership in the soul - therefore, it stated, "I who create the souls," That the matter is as I have explained it, is shown from its stating, "when spirits in front of Me."

(16) The fifth principle is worry: As he will worry and fear from the punishment of his iniquities. For there are iniquities for which the repentance has the atonement depend upon cleansing afflictions, as it is stated (Psalms 38:19), "I acknowledge my iniquity; I am fearful over my sin." The content of grief is about the past, whereas the content of worry is about the future. And he will also doubly worry - maybe he is falling short in his obligation of repentance with pain, bitterness, fasting and crying. And even if he has multiplied the pain and multiplied the crying, he should crawl and fear - maybe corresponding to this had he multiplied his guilt; so that all of his affliction and having his soul cry in its fast did not fill his measure. And one who examines the greatness of the service to the Creator upon his creatures and that there is no end to the evil of one who rebels against His word [will know that even with] all of what he adds to his service and in the ways of repentance, is it not small? Behold it is like a little in his eyes. And King Solomon, peace be upon him, said (Proverbs 14:16), "A wise man is afraid and turns away from evil." And its explanation is that even though a wise man turns away from evil with all of the efforts of his ability, he should crawl and fear - maybe he did not complete his measure, and he was not careful according to the standard of what needs to be done. And like this is (Proverbs 28:6), "than a rich man whose ways are crooked" - even though he is rich. And likewise did our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, say in Yilamdeinu (Tanchuma, Lech Lecha, 15), "Do not explain [it as] 'A wise man is afraid and turns away from evil'; but rather, 'A wise man turns away from evil and is afraid.'" And the end of the verse (Proverbs 14:16) proves this - "but a fool rushes and is confident." He states abut the traits of a fool, that they are the opposite of the traits of a wise man. For a fool rushes, but is nevertheless confident that iniquity and damage will not come to him. Yet the angry person is given to sins and open to damages, as it is stated (Proverbs 29:22), "A hot-tempered man commits many offenses." And it is [also] stated (Proverbs 25:28), "Like an open city without walls is a man whose temper is uncurbed."