(ה) כִּֽי־תִרְאֶ֞ה חֲמ֣וֹר שֹׂנַאֲךָ֗ רֹבֵץ֙ תַּ֣חַת מַשָּׂא֔וֹ וְחָדַלְתָּ֖ מֵעֲזֹ֣ב ל֑וֹ עָזֹ֥ב תַּעֲזֹ֖ב עִמּֽוֹ׃ (ס)
(5) When you see the donkey of your enemy lying under its burden and would refrain from raising it, you must nevertheless raise it with him.
How do we come to hate or dislike someone else? This might require an honest look at our thoughts and feelings.
Doesn't the Torah forbid hating another Jew?
אמר רבי שמואל בר רב יצחק אמר רב מותר לשנאתו שנאמר (שמות כג, ה) כי תראה חמור שנאך רובץ תחת משאו
מאי שונא אילימא שונא נכרי והא תניא שונא שאמרו שונא ישראל ולא שונא נכרי אלא פשיטא שונא ישראל ומי שריא למסניה והכתיב (ויקרא יט, יז) לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך אלא דאיכא סהדי דעביד איסורא כולי עלמא נמי מיסני סני ליה מאי שנא האי אלא לאו כי האי גוונא דחזיא ביה איהו דבר ערוה
רב נחמן בר יצחק אמר מצוה לשנאתו שנאמר (משלי ח, יג) יראת ה' (שונאי) רע
R. Shmuel son of R. Yitzhak said in Rav's name: It is permissible to hate him, as it is said, "If you see the donkey of your enemy lying under its burden" (Shmot 23:5).
Now, which enemy is meant?
Shall we say, a gentile enemy? It was taught: The enemy of whom they spoke is an Israelite enemy, not a gentile enemy.
Hence it obviously means an Israelite enemy. But is it permitted to hate him? Surely it is written, "You shall not hate your brother in your heart" (Vayikra 19:17).
And conversely, if there are wtinesses [who can testify] that a Jew transgressed, all agree that he should be hated!
Why is this particular person singled out? Hence it must surely apply to such a case where he had seen something indecent in him.
R. Nahman b. Yitzhak said: It is a duty to hate him, as it is written, "God's commandment is to hate wickedness" (Mishlei 8:13).
A note on hatred
While it's a topic for another time, it's important to realize that the Torah's mandate on hatred is very specific.
- On one hand, it does not negate the mitzvah to love your fellow which is a constant
- in addition to the love, there is an added element of a conscious hate in response to the negative behavior of your fellow. So, for instance, hating someone reactively is not justifiable and needs to be dealt with. This hate, which is a protest against their behavior, seeks to remedy the situation.
- The person does not experience that you hate them personally but rather that you are taking a position and stand against something that they should not be doing
- There are more limitations and ideas on the issue, but that suffices for now.
Compare the above verse to the following verse in Dvarim (Ki Teztze)
If you see your fellow’s donkey or ox fallen on the road, do not ignore it; you must help him raise it.
Suppose two people need help with their two animals. One animal needs to be UNLOADED and one needs to be LOADED with its burdens/ packages.
Which comes first?
The rabbis say the animal that needs to be UNLOADED due to Tzaar Baalei Chayim.
But then comes a very counterintuitive teaching:
The Gemara suggests: Come and hear proof from a baraita: If one encounters a friend whose animal collapsed and it is necessary to unload its burden, and one also encounters an enemy who needs assistance to load a burden onto his animal, the mitzva is to assist the enemy, in order to subjugate one’s evil inclination.
The Gemara reasons: And if it enters your mind that the requirement to prevent suffering to animals is by Torah law, that option, to unload his friend’s animal, is the preferable course of action for him. The Gemara answers: Even if the requirement to prevent suffering to animals is by Torah law, even so, loading his enemy’s animal in order to subjugate his evil inclination is preferable.
(ה) אֲרֵי תֶחֱזֵי חֲמָרָא דְסָנְאָךְ רְבִיעַ תְּחוֹת טוֹעֲנֵיהּ וְתִתִּמְנַע מִלְמִשְׁבַּק לֵהּ מִשְׁבַּק תִּשְׁבּוֹק מָא דִבְלִבָּךְ עֲלוֹהִי וּתְפָרֵק עִמֵהּ:
When you see the donkey of your enemy lying under its burden, you must let go of what is in your heart against him; you must nevertheless raise it with him.
How does helping our enemy help us let go of hatred?
Most hatred can be overcome
In 99% of cases, the negative feelings we feel towards others is skin deep. Especially when we realize that there was likely a miscommunication, misunderstanding. Perhaps the person is going through something. There's almost always more to a situation than meets the eye.
The act of kindness towards them is able to break through these barriers.
דע, כי האדם נפעל כפי פעלותיו, ולבו וכל מחשבתיו תמיד אחר מעשיו שהוא עוסק בהם אם טוב ואם רע... כי אחרי הפעלות נמשכים הלבבות.
You must know, that a man is acted upon according to his actions; and his heart and all his thoughts always follow after the actions that he does - whether good or bad... for the hearts are drawn after the actions.
I don't feel like helping, but to create positive feelings, I need to act positively towards someone.
So, for example, the story about a lady who came to the Lubavitcher Rebbe complaining that she wasn't kind. He suggested taking the month to do one deliberate act of kindness a day and these see and report back. At the end of this "experiment" she reported back how good it felt to act kind and that for the first time, she realizes that she's a kind person.
- originally, she was waiting to feel like she wants to be kind in order to do kindness. But the Rebbe was teaching her that by acting kindly, she will feel the pleasure of being kind.
The commandment requiring us to help the owner of an overloaded animal or human being (22,4) by unloading the excessive load is directed at the natural tendency to ignore the discomfort of our detractors.
The Torah demands that we put aside such petty considerations and display empathy with the pain of such a human being. When the Torah phrases the action to be taken by using the words הקם תקים עמו, the emphasis is on the last word, i.e. what you do for the victim you are really doing for yourself.
By having demonstrated this kind of empathy you may feel confident that, should the occasion arise, you too will become the beneficiary of someone else's empathy.
[Thus, helping to load an enemies donkey before unloading a friends donkey] helps restore harmonious relations between him and you (cf. Exodus 23,5).
There are two principles at stake here. One is concern for the animal. Jewish law forbids tza'ar ba'alei hayim, the needless infliction of pain on animals. It is as if the Torah is here saying: a conflict between two human beings should not lead either of them to ignore the fact that the ass is labouring under its load. It is innocent. Why then should it suffer? That in itself is a powerful moral lesson.
The second is stronger still. It says, in effect: your enemy is also a human being. Hostility may divide you, but there is something deeper that connects you: the covenant of human solidarity. Distress, difficulty- these things transcend the language of difference. A decent society will be one in which enemies do not allow their rancour or animosity to prevent them from coming to one another's assistance when they need help.
אבות דרבי נתן
איזהו גבור שבגבורים זהו שכובש את יצרו... ויש אומרים מי שעושה שונא אוהבו
Who is the strongest of the strong? One who conquers their inclination...some say, one who turns someone who hates him into one who loves him.
Here's a fantastic example of how this can play out in real life
What is meant by You have established equity (ibid.)?
R. Alexandri explained it as follows: Two mules are being led along a road by men who despise each other. Suddenly, one of the mules falls to the ground.
As the one who is leading the second mule passes by, he sees the mule of the other man stretched out beneath his load, and he says to himself: “Is it not written in the law that If you see the donkey of someone that hates you lying under its burden, and you hesitate to leave what you are doing for him; you must surely release it for him (Exod. 23:5)?”
What did he do? He turned back to help the other man reload his mule, and then accompanied him on the way.
In fact, while working with him he began to talk to the owner of the mule, saying: “Let us loosen it a little on this side, let us tighten it down on this side,” until he reloaded the animal with him.
It came to pass that they had made peace between themselves. The driver of the mule (that had fallen) said to himself: “I cannot believe that he hates me; see how concerned he was when he saw that my mule and I were in distress.”
As a result, they went into the inn, and ate and drank together. Finally they became extremely attached to each other. Hence, You have established equity, You have made justice and righteousness.
What's the connection between overccoming your negative inclination and turning your enemy into a friend. both opinions? Do they go hand in hand?
So the recipe of turning an enemy into a friend is: An act of kindness when it's least expected.
Like in our case- reason would suggest to help the friend, not only because of the friendship, but because of tza'ar ba'alei chaim, ensuring that the animal does not suffer.
So the situation is set up, that you have every excuse in the world not to help the enemy. Yet, we are still enjoined to lean towards our enemy before our friend.
The 4 Levels and "benefits" of helping our enemy
1. Overcoming the evil inclination (Baba Metzia 32b)- that's the basic level. The Torah is teaching that it's unacceptable to accept such negative feelings towards someone. I can't ignore them, rather, I have to face them.
2. Let go of what's in your heart against them (Onkelos)- here, you have actually been able to break through your negative feelings towards them. That's a higher level than just overcoming your evil inclination of not wanting to help them. Here, you've created a lasting change within yourself.
3. Mutual harmonious relationship (Shnei Luchot Habrit)- in the end, by helping them, you can also begin to repair the relationship where they will also be inclinded to help you in a time of need
4. Turning your enemy into your friend (Avot D'Rabbi Natan, Midrash Tanchuma)- this is the ultimate, where you have succeeded in turning the entire relationship around. It goes beyond benefitting yourself (overcome the evil inclination and letting go of hatred and negativity) and also beyound simply mutual benefit. Here, you have become great friends.
Our Purpose is found with our enemy more than our friend
What does it take to turn an enemy into a friend? What is the price of peace? To create peace, we lean into these negative feelings in order to address and hopefully repair.
Rebbe Nachman said that true peace comes when a real difference exist. It's easy to have peace with our friends.
- While I have more pleasure in helping my friend, my purpose is actually found with my enemy. And if I can succeed in turning them into a friend, then the pleasure of that is much deeper and more profound than the immediate pleasure of helping my friend
(also, when I don't help my enemy, there my be an inappropriate gladness that they are having a difficult time which violates the injunction in Ethics of the Fathers that: When your enemy falters, do not rejoice)
מדרש
לֹא נִתְּנוּ הַמִּצְווֹת אֶלָּא לְצָרֵף בָּהֶם אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת
(Brought by Alter of Slobodka)
The mitzvahs were only given to bring people together.
Your mission, however, is not limited by the walls of your house; beyond their limits you must assist with every particle of your strength wherever it is necessary to save the life, the property, or the happiness of a human being, to assist the enterprise of a fellow man with your strength or fortune, or to help suffering creatures of the lower order wherever you can, by the use of your wealth, your physical or intellectual strength, or your word, support the needy, clothe the naked, feed the hungry, console the mourning, heal the sick, care for the unprovided, advise those in need of counsel, teach the ignorant, reconcile those sundered by anger and quarrel — in a word, to be a blessing whenever and wherever you can.