Marital Obligations

(10) לא יגרע, one does not have the right to marry more than one woman unless able to provide for them not at the expense of reducing the first wife’s allowance. (Yevamot 65)

(1) A man who rebels against his wife and says, "I will feed and support her, but will not have sexual relations with her because I hate her," we add the value of 36 barleycorns of silver to her ketuba (marriage contract) each week, and he remains without relations as long as she is willing to wait. Even though her ketuba amount continues to grow, he is still transgressing a negative commandment, as it says, "...he shall not withhold" (Exodus 21:10). If she so desires, court can force him to divorce her immediately and to give her the ketuba money. Note: Some authorities say that if he wants to divorce her immediately and give her ketuba, we do not add on to the ketuba (so it appears in Rambam Hilchot Ishut chapter 14). It seems to me that in such a case he also does not transgress the negative commandment of "...he shall not withhold" (Exodus 21:10).

(10) If one vows [to abstain from] his wife in sexual intercourse,Beit Shammai says: [After] two weeks [of abstinence his wife may sue him for divorce]. And Beit Hillel says: [After just] one week. One who has a miscarriage on the [eve of the] eighty-first day [after giving birth]: Beit Shammai exempts her from the sacrifice [for the miscarriage], and Beit Hillel obligates her. A linen sheet with fringes: Beit Shammai exempts [the sheet from the law of fringes], and Beit Hillel obligates [in the law of fringes]. A basket [of fruit set aside] for the Sabbath: Beit Shammai exempt it [from tithes if one wishes to snack on it before the Sabbath], and Beit Hillel obligate it.

(13) If a man says, "I cannot lie with her unless we are both clothed," he must divorce her and pay the Ketubah. This is even more true if he refuses to be intimate with her at all. Rem"a: Similarly, if she says, "I cannot lie with him unless we are both clothed," she is divorced without receiving the Ketubah.

(5) These are the [kinds of] work which the woman [is obligated to] do for her husband. She grinds, and bakes, and washes [clothes]. She cooks, and nurses her child. She makes his bed, and work with wool. If she brought in one maidservant [from her father's home], she does not [need to] grind, bake, or wash. [If she brought him] two [maidservants], she does not [need to] cook nor nurse her child. Three, she does not [need to] make his bed nor work with wool. Four, she may sit in an easy chair. Rabbi Eliezer says, "Even if she brought him a hundred maidservants, he may force her to work with wool, as idleness leads to licentiousness." Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel says, "Similarly, one who, by vow, interdicts his wife from doing work, he must divorce her and pay [the amount of] her ketubah [monetary settlement payable to a woman upon divorce or the death of her husband], because idleness leads to dull-mindedness."

(6) One who, by vow, interdicts his wife from intercourse, Beit Shammai say, [she must wait] two weeks. Beit Hillel say one week. Students who leave for the purpose of studying Torah without the consent of their wives [have] thirty days; laborers, one week. [The law of providing sexual] pleasure [to one's wife] that is stated in the Torah [is as follows]: one at leisure, daily; laborers, twice a week; donkey drivers, once a week; camel drivers, once every thirty days; navigators every six months; these are the words of Rabbi Eliezer.

(8) One who provides for his wife through a third party, he may not [provide] her with less than two kav [a specific unit of volume] of wheat or four kav of barley [a week]. Rabbi Yossi said, "Only Rabbi Yishmael, who resided near Edom, apportioned [this double allowance of] barley. And he must give her half a kav of beans, half a log [a specific unit of volume] of oil, a kav of dried figs, or a maneh [the weight of 100 dinar] pressed figs. And if he doesn't have [these], he apportions a corresponding amount of fruits of another type. And he must provide her with a bed, a mattress, and a reed mat. He must also give her a kerchief for her head, a girdle for her loins, and shoes every festival, and clothing [valued] at fifty zuz [a secific unit of money] every year. He must not give her new garments in the summer season nor worn-out ones in the rainy season; rather, he must give her clothing [valued] at fifty zuz in the rainy season, so that she wears the worn-out ones in the summer season. And the worn-out ones [from the previous year] belong to her.

(2) A man should not act with levity with his wife, nor should he degrade his speech with nonsense, even between him and her. The verse says, "He tells man what his speech is" (Amos 4:13) and the Sages comment, "Even light conversation between a man and his wife will be brought to judgement in the future." He should not speak with her during intercourse, nor before it, lest he direct his thoughts to another woman. If he does speak with her and proceed immediately to intercourse, about him the verse says, "He tells man what his speech is". He may speak about matters pertinent to the intercourse, to increase his desire, or if there was strife between them and he needed to appeal to her and appease her, he may speak with her to appeal to her. Rem"a: He may do with his wife whatever he wishes. He may have intercourse whenever he wishes, he may kiss any part of her body that he desires, he may have vaginal [typical] or anal [atypical] intercourse, or stimulate himself with other parts of her body, so long as he does not ejaculate outside the vagina (Tur). Some authorities are lenient and say that he may even ejaculate during anal intercourse, if it is occasional and not his habit (Tur). Even though all of this is permissible, anyone who wishes to sanctify himself [by abstaining] from the permitted is called holy. He should not have frequent intercourse so that he is always with her, for this is extremely detrimental and it is the way of boors; it is meritorious to minimize intercourse, only keeping to the minimum required by marital obligations. Even when fulfilling marital obligations he should not focus on his pleasure, it should instead be as on paying back an obligation, for he is obligated in marital duties, and to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying, and to have children who study Torah and perform mitzvot for the the people of Israel. He may not have intercourse without her consent, and if she is not interested he should appease her until she is interested. He should be very private during intercourse, having no people of any kind around, even a child, unless it is a baby who cannot speak.