I want to pose the age-old question in this shiur, what is love? As far as I know, love can take on countless different forms, whether that is the love a parent has for a child, the love two people have in a relationship, or the love between Hashem and his creations. What I want to explore, is how the love that is established in our relationship with Hashem, could help inform the love that grows in a relationship of a husband and wife. To put this all in a larger context, this week is the twenty-sixth anniversary of my parent's wedding. I may be biased, but their love story is one of my favorites, and in honor of that love, I wanted to have this shiur.
I want to start, by looking at a little known holiday that happened this week. Dubbed as the "Jewish Valentines day", Tu B'av is a holiday that has its origins in the midrash, with a very interesting mythology behind it.
שבהן בנות ירושלים כו': ת"ר בת מלך שואלת מבת כהן גדול בת כהן גדול מבת סגן ובת סגן מבת משוח מלחמה ובת משוח מלחמה מבת כהן הדיוט וכל ישראל שואלין זה מזה כדי שלא יתבייש את מי שאין לו:
§ The mishna taught: As on them the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white clothes, and on the fifteenth of Av they would go out to the vineyards and dance. The Sages taught this tradition in greater detail: The daughter of the king borrows white garments from the daughter of the High Priest; the daughter of the High Priest borrows from the daughter of the deputy High Priest; the daughter of the deputy High Priest borrows from the daughter of the priest anointed for war, i.e., the priest who would read verses of Torah and address the army as they prepared for battle; the daughter of the priest anointed for war borrows from the daughter of a common priest; and all the Jewish people borrow from each other. Why would they all borrow garments? They did this so as not to embarrass one who did not have her own white garments.
So know that we have this context, of the young girls of Jerusalem, "borrowing" white dresses from other people, what is the substance of this holiday?
אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא הָיוּ יָמִים טוֹבִים לְיִשְׂרָאֵל כַּחֲמִשָּׁה עָשָׂר בְּאָב וּכְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, שֶׁבָּהֶן בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת בִּכְלֵי לָבָן שְׁאוּלִין, שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת מִי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ. כָּל הַכֵּלִים טְעוּנִין טְבִילָה. וּבְנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַיִם יוֹצְאוֹת וְחוֹלוֹת בַּכְּרָמִים. וּמֶה הָיוּ אוֹמְרוֹת, בָּחוּר, שָׂא נָא עֵינֶיךָ וּרְאֵה, מָה אַתָּה בוֹרֵר לָךְ. אַל תִּתֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַנּוֹי, תֵּן עֵינֶיךָ בַמִּשְׁפָּחָה. שֶׁקֶר הַחֵן וְהֶבֶל הַיֹּפִי, אִשָּׁה יִרְאַת ה' הִיא תִתְהַלָּל (משלי לא). וְאוֹמֵר, תְּנוּ לָהּ מִפְּרִי יָדֶיהָ, וִיהַלְלוּהָ בַשְּׁעָרִים מַעֲשֶׂיהָ. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר, צְאֶינָה וּרְאֶינָה בְּנוֹת צִיּוֹן בַּמֶּלֶךְ שְׁלֹמֹה בָּעֲטָרָה שֶׁעִטְּרָה לּוֹ אִמּוֹ בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ (שיר השירים ג). בְּיוֹם חֲתֻנָּתוֹ, זֶה מַתַּן תּוֹרָה. וּבְיוֹם שִׂמְחַת לִבּוֹ, זֶה בִּנְיַן בֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ, שֶׁיִּבָּנֶה בִמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ. אָמֵן:
Section one: Rabbi Shimon ben Gamaliel said: There were no days of joy in Israel greater than the fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur. Section two: On these days the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in borrowed white garments in order not to shame any one who had none. All these garments required immersion. The daughters of Jerusalem come out and dance in the vineyards. What would they say? Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself. Do not set your eyes on beauty but set your eyes on the family. “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). And it further says, “Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates” (ibid, 31:31). Section three: Similarly it says, “O maidens of Zion, go forth and gaze upon King Solomon wearing the crown that his mother gave him on his wedding day, on the day of the gladness of his heart” (Song of Songs 3:11). “On his wedding day”: this refers to Matan Torah (the Giving of the Torah). “And on the day of the gladness of his heart”: this refers to the building of the Temple; may it be rebuilt speedily in our days, Amen.
Without considering the incredibly strange first line of this gemara, which on its own can be a whole other shiur topic, we have this tradition of young women going out to the fields of Jersualem, saying something that is incredibly deceptive. The concept of them putting on these new dresses but stating that beauty is vain. I want to focus on the last line of our Gemara, that, "on his wedding day", refers to the giving of the Torah. If this is true, than their is another more fundamental marriage going on beneath the surface. That is the "marriage" of the Jewish people and Hashem.
We know that as Jewish people, we are commanded to love Hashem as seen in Devarim 6:5, but what does that love entail? What does it mean for finite and falliable human beings to love and infinite and perfect creator?
הָאֵל הַנִּכְבָּד וְהַנּוֹרָא הַזֶּה מִצְוָה לְאָהֳבוֹ וּלְיִרְאָה אוֹתוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים ו ה) "וְאָהַבְתָּ אֵת ה' אֱלֹהֶיךָ". וְנֶאֱמַר (דברים ו יג) "אֶת ה' אֱלֹהֶיךָ תִּירָא":
It is mandatory to love and fear this Glorified and Awe-inspiring God, for it is said: "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God" (Deut. 6,5); and as it is said: "The Lord thy God thou shalt fear." (Ibid. 6, 13).
So now that we have established that their is this inherit connection between the love we must feel for Hashem, and the fear we must feel for him, how can we balance these feelings. If I am using romantic love as an example, that love would seemingly be nullified, if it came from a place of fear. I do not love someone because I fear them, so then how can both these commandments exsist?
וְהֵיאַךְ הִיא הַדֶּרֶךְ לְאַהֲבָתוֹ וְיִרְאָתוֹ. בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁיִּתְבּוֹנֵן הָאָדָם בְּמַעֲשָׂיו וּבְרוּאָיו הַנִּפְלָאִים הַגְּדוֹלִים וְיִרְאֶה מֵהֶן חָכְמָתוֹ שֶׁאֵין לָהּ עֵרֶךְ וְלֹא קֵץ מִיָּד הוּא אוֹהֵב וּמְשַׁבֵּחַ וּמְפָאֵר וּמִתְאַוֶּה תַּאֲוָה גְּדוֹלָה לֵידַע הַשֵּׁם הַגָּדוֹל. כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמַר דָּוִד (תהילים מב ג) "צָמְאָה נַפְשִׁי לֵאלֹהִים לְאֵל חָי". וּכְשֶׁמְּחַשֵּׁב בַּדְּבָרִים הָאֵלּוּ עַצְמָן מִיָּד הוּא נִרְתָּע לַאֲחוֹרָיו וִיפַחֵד וְיוֹדֵעַ שֶׁהוּא בְּרִיָּה קְטַנָּה שְׁפָלָה אֲפֵלָה עוֹמֶדֶת בְּדַעַת קַלָּה מְעוּטָה לִפְנֵי תְּמִים דֵּעוֹת. כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמַר דָּוִד (תהילים ח ד) "כִּי אֶרְאֶה שָׁמֶיךָ מַעֲשֵׂי אֶצְבְּעֹתֶיךָ" (תהילים ח ה) "מָה אֱנוֹשׁ כִּי תִזְכְּרֶנּוּ". וּלְפִי הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלּוּ אֲנִי מְבָאֵר כְּלָלִים גְּדוֹלִים מִמַּעֲשֵׂה רִבּוֹן הָעוֹלָמִים כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּהְיוּ פֶּתַח לַמֵּבִין לֶאֱהֹב אֶת הַשֵּׁם. כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים בְּעִנְיַן אַהֲבָה שֶׁמִּתּוֹךְ כָּךְ אַתָּה מַכִּיר אֶת מִי שֶׁאָמַר וְהָיָה הָעוֹלָם:
But how may one discover the way to love and fear Him? When man will reflect concerning His works, and His great and wonderful creatures,1But he must make thorough study. C. and will behold through them His wonderful, matchless and infinite wisdom, he will spontaneously be filled with love, praise and exaltation and become possessed of a great longing to know the Great Name, even as David said: "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God," (Ps. 42,2); and when he will think of all these matters,2Sifre, Deut. 6.5; Shabbat, 30–31. G. he will be taken aback in a moment and stricken with awe, and realize that he is an infinitesimal creature, humble and dark, standing with an insignificant and slight knowledge in the presence of the All Wise, as David said: "For when I see Thy heavens, the wonderful works of Thy fingers, of what use is man that Thou mayest remember him?" (Ibid. 8,4). And, in harmony with these matters, I elucidate great, general principles of the works of the Lord of the universe, so that they might serve as an opening for one who understands by which to love the Name, as some sages said on the subject of love: "Out of it thou wilt recognize the One who spoke, and the universe was called into existence."
The above passage from the Ramabams Mishna Torah clarifies that fear is not the abscence of love, rather it is the understanding of the majesty of the situation. With this in mind, I want to turn to one of the Brachot from before we recite Shema, that is recited on a daily basis about the basis of love between the Jewish people and Hashem.
אַהֲבָה רַבָּה אֲהַבְתָּנוּ, ה' אֱלהֵינוּ. חֶמְלָה גְּדולָה וִיתֵרָה חָמַלְתָּ עָלֵינוּ: אָבִינוּ מַלְכֵּנוּ. בַּעֲבוּר אֲבותֵינוּ שֶׁבָּטְחוּ בְךָ. וַתְּלַמְּדֵם חֻקֵּי חַיִּים כֵּן תְּחָנֵּנוּ וּתְלַמְּדֵנוּ: אָבִינוּ הָאָב הָרַחֲמָן. הַמְרַחֵם. רַחֵם עָלֵינוּ. וְתֵן בְּלִבֵּנוּ לְהָבִין וּלְהַשכִּיל. לִשְׁמעַ. לִלְמד וּלְלַמֵּד. לִשְׁמר וְלַעֲשות וּלְקַיֵּם אֶת כָּל דִּבְרֵי תַלְמוּד תּורָתֶךָ בְּאַהֲבָה: וְהָאֵר עֵינֵינוּ בְּתורָתֶךָ. וְדַבֵּק לִבֵּנוּ בְּמִצְותֶיךָ. וְיַחֵד לְבָבֵנוּ לְאַהֲבָה וּלְיִרְאָה אֶת שְׁמֶךָ. וְלא נֵבושׁ לְעולָם וָעֶד: כִּי בְשֵׁם קָדְשְׁךָ הַגָּדול וְהַנּורָא בָּטָחְנוּ. נָגִילָה וְנִשמְחָה בִּישׁוּעָתֶךָ: וַהֲבִיאֵנוּ לְשָׁלום מֵאַרְבַּע כַּנְפות הָאָרֶץ. וְתולִיכֵנוּ קומְמִיּוּת לְאַרְצֵנוּ: כִּי אֵל פּועֵל יְשׁוּעות אָתָּה. וּבָנוּ בָחַרְתָּ מִכָּל עַם וְלָשׁון. וְקֵרַבְתָּנוּ לְשִׁמְךָ הַגָּדול סֶלָה בֶּאֱמֶת: לְהודות לְךָ וּלְיַחֶדְךָ בְּאַהֲבָה: בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה', הַבּוחֵר בְּעַמּו יִשרָאֵל בְּאַהֲבָה:
[With] a great love have You loved us, Lord, our God; [with] a great and superabundant compassion have You had compassion upon us. Our Father, our King - for the sake of our fathers who trusted in You and You taught them the laws of life; so [too] grace us and teach us. Our Father, the merciful Father, the merciful One - have mercy upon us, and put into our hearts to understand and to comprehend and to listen and to study and to teach and to keep and to do and to preserve all of the words of the study of Your Torah with love. And enlighten our eyes in Your Torah, and make our heart cling to Your commandments, and unite our hearts to love and fear Your name; and may we never be embarrassed ever. Since we have trusted in Your great and awesome holy Name, let us rejoice and be gladdened by Your salvation. And bring us in peace from the four corners of the Earth, and lead us erectly to our Land; as You are God who preforms salvations. And You have chosen us from among all nations and languages, and have brought us close to Your great name forever in truth, to praise You and unify You with love. Blessed are You, Lord, who chooses His people, Israel, with love.
Something that is interesting that is brought up in this Bracha is the basis of trust between the Jewish people and Hashem. This concept, is historically one that the Jewish people have on many occasisons struggled to maintain throughout their entire exsistince. But love is only possible through that trust. Love, is also being able to have the humility to ask for help. It is recognizing that this relationship is only successful when both parties are contributing. We ask Hashem to help us understand what life is supposed to be. And in his lovingkindess, he gives us the Torah as a guidebook for how we should live.
I want to turn now to our Parsha, Parshat Eikev, to see what other lessons of love might be revealed to us.
The parsha begins, by stating that if we fulfill Hashems mitzvot, that he will greatly reward us. This, viewed in a larger context, is the lesson of compromise, that is necessary in all successful relationships.
וְהָיָ֣ה ׀ עֵ֣קֶב תִּשְׁמְע֗וּן אֵ֤ת הַמִּשְׁפָּטִים֙ הָאֵ֔לֶּה וּשְׁמַרְתֶּ֥ם וַעֲשִׂיתֶ֖ם אֹתָ֑ם וְשָׁמַר֩ יְהוָ֨ה אֱלֹהֶ֜יךָ לְךָ֗ אֶֽת־הַבְּרִית֙ וְאֶת־הַחֶ֔סֶד אֲשֶׁ֥ר נִשְׁבַּ֖ע לַאֲבֹתֶֽיךָ׃
And if you do obey these rules and observe them carefully, the LORD your God will maintain faithfully for you the covenant that He made on oath with your fathers:
In pesukim yud gimmel through pasuk tet vav, Moshe describes the many Brachot that will come to the Jewish people if we fulfill the mitzvot. Moshe, in Perek Chet, then goes on to describes the many kindnesses that Hashem bestowed on us throughout the Midbar.
Then we arrive to Perek Chet Passuk Yud, this is what I believe what the culmination of all we have spoken about is.
וְאָכַלְתָּ֖ וְשָׂבָ֑עְתָּ וּבֵֽרַכְתָּ֙ אֶת־יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֔יךָ עַל־הָאָ֥רֶץ הַטֹּבָ֖ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר נָֽתַן־לָֽךְ׃
When you have eaten your fill, give thanks to the LORD your God for the good land which He has given you.
Three verbs straight in a row. When you eat, and become satisfied, then you will bless Hashem. Ignoring for a moment the fact that this English translation put שבע as having eaten your fill. I think this sequence of actions can be applied to something even more fundamental than eating.
We as people have few fundamental needs: food, water, shelter. Now look at a relationship. As we have discussed previously tonight, a relationship must be built on a foundation of trust. It is about compromise and ones willingness to give to another. This, is the eating that the Passuk is talking about. When you are provided with what you need, then the reaction is to thank the other person. But what does שבע mean?
And you will be satisfied? Every person is looking for countless different things in all of their relationships. Every relationship seeks to serve some kind of need. But, in the words of our Passuk, one must be satisfied before they bless.
The source for this shiur, came from an on the spot Dvar Torah that I gave at the Sheva Brachot of very close family friends three years ago this Shabbos. What I understood then, still applies now. Loving somebody, means having an incredibkly deep appreciation for that other person. For the countless things they provide you, and also just for who they are in essence. For me, I can think of no bigger Bracha than שבע. When you take a minute to recognize the person in front of you, for all they are. When you pause before rushing to say thank you for something you do not fully appreciate. Yes, may it be my Bracha to all of you, that in your lives you find someone gives you the fruit of their hard labor. But beyond that, may this learning be in the zechut of the understanding of who that person is. Beyond their beauty that Tu B'av teaches us is vain. Beyond all the materialistic things they provide for you. To fully be satisified in life, in who you are, in who you are with. And then, and only then is is possible to truly be greatful and bless the situation.