Part 1: Biblical Sources for the prohibition
(א) וְלֹֽא־יָכֹ֨ל יוֹסֵ֜ף לְהִתְאַפֵּ֗ק לְכֹ֤ל הַנִּצָּבִים֙ עָלָ֔יו וַיִּקְרָ֕א הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כָל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו׃ (ב) וַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה׃ (ג) וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֤ף אֶל־אֶחָיו֙ אֲנִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף הַע֥וֹד אָבִ֖י חָ֑י וְלֹֽא־יָכְל֤וּ אֶחָיו֙ לַעֲנ֣וֹת אֹת֔וֹ כִּ֥י נִבְהֲל֖וּ מִפָּנָֽיו׃
(כד) וַיְהִ֣י ׀ כְּמִשְׁלֹ֣שׁ חֳדָשִׁ֗ים וַיֻּגַּ֨ד לִֽיהוּדָ֤ה לֵֽאמֹר֙ זָֽנְתָה֙ תָּמָ֣ר כַּלָּתֶ֔ךָ וְגַ֛ם הִנֵּ֥ה הָרָ֖ה לִזְנוּנִ֑ים וַיֹּ֣אמֶר יְהוּדָ֔ה הוֹצִיא֖וּהָ וְתִשָּׂרֵֽף׃ (כה) הִ֣וא מוּצֵ֗את וְהִ֨יא שָׁלְחָ֤ה אֶל־חָמִ֙יהָ֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר לְאִישׁ֙ אֲשֶׁר־אֵ֣לֶּה לּ֔וֹ אָנֹכִ֖י הָרָ֑ה וַתֹּ֙אמֶר֙ הַכֶּר־נָ֔א לְמִ֞י הַחֹתֶ֧מֶת וְהַפְּתִילִ֛ים וְהַמַּטֶּ֖ה הָאֵֽלֶּה׃
א"ר יוחנן משום רשב"י: נוח לו לאדם שיפיל עצמו לכבשן האש ואל ילבין פני חבירו ברבים מנ"ל מתמר דכתיב (בראשית לח, כה) היא מוצאת והיא שלחה אל חמיה אמר רב חננא בריה דרב אידי מאי דכתיב (ויקרא כה, יז) ולא תונו איש את עמיתו עם שאתך בתורה ובמצות אל תונהו אמר רב לעולם יהא אדם זהיר באונאת אשתו שמתוך שדמעתה מצויה אונאתה קרובה.
(א) אלה הדברים. לְפִי שֶׁהֵן דִּבְרֵי תוֹכָחוֹת וּמָנָה כָאן כָּל הַמְּקוֹמוֹת שֶׁהִכְעִיסוּ לִפְנֵי הַמָּקוֹם בָּהֶן, לְפִיכָךְ סָתַם אֶת הַדְּבָרִים וְהִזְכִּירָם בְּרֶמֶז מִפְּנֵי כְבוֹדָן שֶׁל יִשְׂרָאֵל (עי' ספרי)
(יז) לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃
Part 2: The Super - Severity of the prohibition
נוח לו לאדם שיבא על ספק אשת איש ואל ילבין פני חבירו ברבים...
(יא) רַבִּי אֶלְעָזָר הַמּוֹדָעִי אוֹמֵר, הַמְחַלֵּל אֶת הַקָּדָשִׁים, וְהַמְבַזֶּה אֶת הַמּוֹעֲדוֹת, וְהַמַּלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵרוֹ בָרַבִּים, וְהַמֵּפֵר בְּרִיתוֹ שֶׁל אַבְרָהָם אָבִינוּ עָלָיו הַשָּׁלוֹם, וְהַמְגַלֶּה פָנִים בַּתּוֹרָה שֶׁלֹּא כַהֲלָכָה, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁיֵּשׁ בְּיָדוֹ תוֹרָה וּמַעֲשִׂים טוֹבִים, אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא:
(11) Rabbi Elazar of Modiin said: one who profanes sacred things, and one who despises the festivals, and one who causes his fellow’s face to blush in public, and one who annuls the covenant of our father Abraham, may he rest in peace, and he who is contemptuous towards the Torah, even though he has to his credit [knowledge of the] Torah and good deeds, he has not a share in the world to come.
תני תנא קמיה דרב נחמן בר יצחק כל המלבין פני חבירו ברבים כאילו שופך דמים רבי חנינא...כל היורדין לגיהנם עולים חוץ משלשה שיור דין ואין עולין ואלו הן הבא על אשת איש והמלבין פני חבירו ברבים והמכנה שם רע לחבירו מכנה היינו מלבין.
The Talmud should be taken literally. Embarassing others is included in the prohibition of murder...and one must sarifice his life for it.
A proof: The Sages did not make such statements in connection with other severe transgressions..."
Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was a modern posek who also took this prohibition literally.
On the other hand many Rishonim like the Meiri, and the Rambam do not take the language of the Talmud literally.
Private Embarassing: Embarassing To inspire change?
The Chafetz Chayim: Negative 14, Be'er Mayim Chayim:
If one speaks to a sinner in a harsh manner, to the extent that he becomes embarrassed, even in private, then one transgresses this prohibition. This is also clear from the wording of the beraita, which states that "if his face changes color, he transgresses," implying that in all situations of embarrassing others, even privately, one violates this prohibition.
(ח) הַמּוֹכִיחַ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ תְּחִלָּה לֹא יְדַבֵּר לוֹ קָשׁוֹת עַד שֶׁיַּכְלִימֶנּוּ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יט יז) "וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא". כָּךְ אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים יָכוֹל אַתָּה מוֹכִיחוֹ וּפָנָיו מִשְׁתַּנּוֹת תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא. מִכָּאן שֶׁאָסוּר לָאָדָם לְהַכְלִים אֶת יִשְׂרָאֵל וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן בָּרַבִּים. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהַמַּכְלִים אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אֵינוֹ לוֹקֶה עָלָיו עָוֹן גָּדוֹל הוּא. כָּךְ אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים (גמרא סנהדרין קז א) "הַמַּלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא". לְפִיכָךְ צָרִיךְ אָדָם לְהִזָּהֵר שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים בֵּין קָטָן בֵּין גָּדוֹל. וְלֹא יִקְרָא לוֹ בְּשֵׁם שֶׁהוּא בּוֹשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ. וְלֹא יְסַפֵּר לְפָנָיו דָּבָר שֶׁהוּא בּוֹשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ. בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ. אֲבָל בְּדִבְרֵי שָׁמַיִם אִם לֹא חָזַר בּוֹ בַּסֵּתֶר מַכְלִימִין אוֹתוֹ בָּרַבִּים וּמְפַרְסְמִים חֶטְאוֹ וּמְחָרְפִים אוֹתוֹ בְּפָנָיו וּמְבַזִּין וּמְקַלְּלִין אוֹתוֹ עַד שֶׁיַּחֲזֹר לַמּוּטָב כְּמוֹ שֶׁעָשׂוּ כָּל הַנְּבִיאִים בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל:
(8) He who rebukes a friend, at the beginning, no hard words should be used against him to shame him, for it is said: "And thou shalt bear no sin upon him" (Lev. 19.17). Thus did the wise men say: "Understand it not by rebuking him thou mayest cause his countenance to change expression; for, it is said: 'And thou shalt bear no sin upon him'" (Ibid.; Arakin, 16b); herefrom we learn that it is forbidden to put an Israelite to shame, needless to say publicly. Although he who does put his fellow to shame is not flogged, it is a grievous sin. Even so did the wise men say: "He who publicly puts his fellow's countenance to shame has no share in the world to come" (Pirke Abot, 3.15). A man is, therefore obliged to guard himself against putting his fellow to shame publicly, regardless of whether he be young or old; not to call him by a name of which he feels ashamed, nor tell aught in his presence of which he is ashamed. However, all these refer to matters touching the relationship between man and man; but if it concern heavenly matters, if the sinner does not repent after being rebuked privately, he should be shamed publicly, and his sin should be proclaimed, and harsh words should be used in his presence, and he should be shamed and cursed till he repent and take up the good path, even as all of the prophets in Israel did with the wicked.8Baba Mezi’a 59a; Yoma, 86b. C. G.
"They teach in the Sifra, “One might think that the obligation of rebuke applies even if the other’s face pales; the Torah therefore states, ‘You shall not bear sin on his account.’” This teaches that initially when one reproves another, he should do so in privacy with soft language and gentle words, so that the other will not be abashed. Still, there is no doubt that if the other does not discontinue at this point, the sinner is to be disgraced in public, his misdeed made widely known, and he vilified until he returns to the good, proper path."
A practical example:
Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat, Chapter 228, Section 5 rules: “One must take care not to call one’s friend an offensive nickname. Even if the individual is accustomed to being called this name, if one’s intention is to shame him, this is forbidden.”
The Gemara in Megillah writes that refraining from calling others by names can grant a person long life. Doesn't this imply that this a "bonus".
We can distinguish between making up a mean najme for someone and calling someone a name he doesn't love-but all call him by that....
Q)What if he prefers his nickname?
A) The Talmud itself is replete with nick-names (Like Sharp one") So it seems it is all subjective... and depends on the context of the name calling.
Kiddush over wine. There are a number of opinions recorded as to the reason behind this practice. Both the Rosh (Pesachim 10:3) and his son the Tur (OC 271) quote a passage from the Talmud Yerushalmi (not found in our versions) which provides a fascinating reason, explaining that we do this “so that the bread will not see its embarrassment."
The Chafetz Chayim, who was famed for his consideration of others, was not bothered by the uncovered challa; rather, he was taken aback by the callousness with which the husband had treated his wife, specifically under these circumstances. The Chafetz Chayim asked the husband, "Why is it that we cover the challa?"
The husband, wanting to show off his knowledge, explained with pride, "Why, it is so the bread will not see its embarrassment."
The Chafetz Chayim continued, "Exactly. But what embarrassment does the bread feel compared to the embarrassment of flesh and blood? What of your wife, who has slaved over preparing a meal that you intended to make you look hospitable? If the bread must not be embarrassed, how much more so must you care about your wife's embarrassment! It would be best to trade your contempt for praise; commend your wife for outdoing herself."
The story goes that Rabbi Akiva Eger once had a poor man over to his home as one of his many Friday night guests. The Shabbat table was adorned with a beautiful white tablecloth. During the meal, as the poor man lifted his glass of wine, it accidentally slipped out of his hand and stained the pure white cloth. Seeing the poor man squirming in embarrassment, Rabbi Eger immediately knocked over his own glass of wine, "accidentally" spilling it over the tablecloth. As the poor man looked on in great relief, Rabbi Eger remarked, "It seems as if the table is very shaky, isn't it? I must apologize! We are going to have to have it fixed."
The tale is told of Rabbi Yehoshua Leib Diskin (1818-1898), one of the leaders of the Old Yishuv after arriving in Jerusalem in 1878 from Russia. Rabbi Diskin suffered from diabetes in his later years and once while teaching Torah his attendant prepared him a glass of tea. To replenish the sugars in his body, he heaped teaspoons of sugar into the tea and placed the glass in front of Rabbi Diskin. Alas, the attendant mistakenly put salt instead of sugar in the tea! Rabbi Diskin did not flinch, he drank the salty tea despite the awful taste and notwithstanding the health risk for a diabetic. Later the students discovered what had transpired and they questioned Rabbi Diskin: "How could you have endangered yourself by drinking the salty tea?" He explained that he preferred to drink the dreadful tea and risk his life rather than embarrass the attendant. When relating the story the famous storyteller of Jerusalem, Rabbi Sholom Mordechai Hakohen Schwadron (1912-1997) explained: For Rabbi Diskin it was indeed "preferable" to drink the salty tea rather than embarrass the attendant. So preferable was it that his body must not have felt the salty tea! While Rabbi Diskin's conduct might be beyond many of us; it certainly sets a standard for which we can strive. Perhaps we can offer a further angle on the talmudic passage, given that we are rarely faced with the choice of risking our lives or embarrassing another. While fiery furnaces are not a regular feature of our lives, the challenge of not embarrassing others is all too prevalent: The thought of shaming another person should be so scathing, our insides should burn with disgust, so much so that we prefer to jump into temporal fires rather than scorch our soul by embarrassing another.
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Rabbi Boruch Ber and his wife often had guests at their Shabbos table. Rav Boruch Ber's wife would first serve everyone their food, and would she would then herself sit down at the table. One Shabbos, as his wife was still serving the cholent (a hot dish primarily served on the afternoon of Shabbos), and Rav Boruch Ber had already been served his cholent, Rav Boruch tasted his food, quickly ate his portion, and then asked for more. He soon finished his second portion and asked for a third helping. He continued to ask for more cholent. As this behavior was very uncharacteristic of Rav Boruch Ber, his wife realized that something was going on. She came to the table to find that everyone other than her husband had barely touched the cholent. She tasted her portion of cholent and spit it out. It tasted so awful that she could not understand how her husband had found it so tasty.
However, in reality, Rav Boruch Ber had not found the food to be tasty at all. After he had tasted the cholent he had immediately realized that his wife had accidentally poured kerosene instead of oil into the cholent. He knew that his wife would be very embarrassed if she discovered her mistake. He had therefore tried to consume the entire pot of cholent so as to spare his wife the potential embarrassment! |
- According to the Gemara, one embarrasses another publicly descends to Hell and never ascends[22]. This seems to imply that the punishment is final with no chance for Teshuva.
- However, Tosafot explain that the Gemara is only talking about if you didn’t do Teshuva, because Teshuva helps for everything. [23
- You must try to appease your friend at an opportune time, or until he agrees to listen to you. You must then feel you friend’s pain in your heart and resolve not to embarrass others. Finally, if one embarrasses you in the future, you should not feel upset, rather you should view it as fair. [26]
- One should give gifts to the person they oppressed as a means of making amends. One should give Mishloach Manot to the person on Purim, or confront them before Yom Kippur when they’re more likely to listen. One may also have friends help him lay the groundwork for his apology. [27]
- “If the humiliation took place in the presence of others, make your apology in their presence, as well as in private. Otherwise the victim has the right to say, “You shamed me in front of others, and now you want to apologize in private. Bring me all the people who heard you embarrass me, and then I will accept your apology.” [28]