It is lovely to think that the loss of this world is a ticket price to the inheritance of the next. Maybe we step through this world as if through a corridor. A beautiful comment by Bronson Alcott, friend of Emerson and father of Louisa May Alcott, ties together the themes of failing memory and the world to come. As he grew older, Emerson started to lose his memory. He tried to get around it - once, forgetting the term "umbrella," he called it "the thing that strangers take away" - but it troubled him. He was consoled by Alcott, who made reference to the Platonic legend that human beings know all about this world but lose that knowledge the moment we are born. Likewise, he said that as we get older, we start to lose knowledge of this world in the form of failing memory, to prepare us for the next one. Each time we cannot remember something about this world, it is not a failing but a letting go.
Rabbi David Wolpe "Making Loss Matter: Creating Meaning in Difficult Times" p. 203
אלא להלך אחר מדותיו של הקב"ה מה הוא מלביש ערומים דכתיב (בראשית ג, כא) ויעש ה' אלקים לאדם ולאשתו כתנות עור וילבישם אף אתה הלבש ערומים הקב"ה ביקר חולים דכתיב (בראשית יח, א) וירא אליו ה' באלוני ממרא אף אתה בקר חולים הקב"ה ניחם אבלים דכתיב (בראשית כה, יא) ויהי אחרי מות אברהם ויברך אלקים את יצחק בנו אף אתה נחם אבלים הקב"ה קבר מתים דכתיב (דברים לד, ו) ויקבר אותו בגיא אף אתה קבור מתים
He explains: Rather, the meaning is that one should follow the attributes of the Holy One, Blessed be He. He provides several examples. Just as He clothes the naked, as it is written: “And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skin, and clothed them” (Genesis 3:21), so too, should you clothe the naked. Just as the Holy One, Blessed be He, visits the sick, as it is written with regard to God’s appearing to Abraham following his circumcision: “And the Lord appeared unto him by the terebinths of Mamre” (Genesis 18:1), so too, should you visit the sick. Just as the Holy One, Blessed be He, consoles mourners, as it is written: “And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed Isaac his son” (Genesis 25:11), so too, should you console mourners. Just as the Holy One, Blessed be He, buried the dead, as it is written: “And he was buried in the valley in the land of Moab” (Deuteronomy 34:6), so too, should you bury the dead.
(דברים י, ב) אשר שברת ושמתם בארון תני רב יוסף מלמד שהלוחות ושברי לוחות מונחין בארון מכאן לתלמיד חכם ששכח תלמודו מחמת אונסו שאין נוהגין בו מנהג בזיון
§ Having mentioned the principle that one does not downgrade in matters of sanctity, the Gemara cites a related issue. The verse states: “At that time the Lord said to me: Hew for yourself two tablets of stone like the first…And I will write on the tablets the words that were on the first tablets, which you broke, and you shall put them in the Ark” (Deuteronomy 10:1–2). Rav Yosef teaches a baraita: This verse teaches that both the tablets of the Covenant and the pieces of the broken tablets are placed in the Ark. One should learn from here that with regard to a Torah scholar who has forgotten his Torah knowledge due to circumstances beyond his control, e.g., illness, one may not behave toward him in a degrading manner. Although the first tablets were broken it is prohibited to treat them with disrespect, due to their sanctity. A Torah scholar who forgot the Torah knowledge he once possessed is likened to these broken tablets.
Dementia forces us to grapple with the reality that no one is a fixed entity — not you, not me, not anyone. (Who among us is the same person we were at 18 as we are now?) If we consult the prophet Jonah or check out Moses’ negotiations with God, we must also consider that even the Creator is not static, that even God may change. What if we begin to conceive of God as abiding, dynamic presence rather than distant, rational ruler? A God who is just as present to the post-dementia person as to the pre-dementia person? A God whose relationship with the person changes as the person changes? If, eternally speaking, the person is no more or less “real” today than she was 30 years ago, then perhaps the “real” problem is our inability as bystanders to offer our presence to the post-dementia person. No doubt, opening ourselves to a person with dementia, with their puzzling and sometimes jarring responses to the world, is a herculean task. When I spend time with individuals with advanced Alzheimer’s, I can expect no ego-stroking return on investment, no affirmations of a job well done.Offering one’s presence to a person with dementia means letting go of our need for rational interchanges, direct social cues, logical conclusions. It often means letting go of words altogether and entering entirely into the realm of affect and intuition.
Resources:
Brackey, Joann. Creating Moments of Joy
de Klerk-Rubin. Validation Techniques for Dementia Care
Feil, Naomi. The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communicating with People with "Alzheimer's-Type Dementia"
London, Judith. Connecting the Dots: Breakthroughs in Communication as Alzheimer's Advances
O'Brien, Greg. On Pluto: Inside the Mind of Alzheimer's
Zeisel, John. I'm Still Here: A New Philosophy of Alzheimer's Care