Part 1: Why Ask For Forgiveness?
רמבם הלכות תשובה פרק ב: ט
אין התשובה ולא יום הכפורים מכפרין אלא על עבירות שבין אדם למקום כגון מי שאכל דבר אסור או בעל בעילה אסורה וכיוצא בהן אבל עבירות שבין אדם לחבירו כגון החובל את חבירו או המקלל חבירו או גוזלו וכיוצא בהן אינו נמחל לו לעולם עד שיתן לחבירו מה שהוא חייב לו וירצהו אף על פי שהחזיר לו ממון שהוא חייב לו צריך לרצותו ולשאול ממנו שימחול לו אפילו לא הקניט את חבירו אלא בדברים צריך לפייסו ולפגע בו עד שימחול לו לא רצה חבירו למחול לו מביא לו שורה של שלשה בני אדם מריעיו ופוגעין בו ומבקשין ממנו לא נתרצה להן מביא לו שניה ושלישית לא רצה מניחו והולך לו וזה שלא מחל הוא החוטא ואם היה רבו הולך ובא אפילו אלף פעמים עד שימחול לו:
Teshuvah - Chapter Two
Teshuvah and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between man and God; for example, a person who ate a forbidden food or engaged in forbidden sexual relations, and the like. However, sins between man and man; for example, someone who injures a colleague, curses a colleague, steals from him, or the like will never be forgiven until he gives his colleague what he owes him and appeases him.
It makes you an awesome person:
Saying Sorry makes you an awesome person. It shows your humility and your manliness. Sorry is not a b ad word. Everyone does Viduy on Yom Kippur.
Say sorry for both them and for you.
How to we ask someone forgiveness?
Sincerely:
It's not about the words you say, but about the feeling you give over.
Take responsibility for your misdeeds.
Don't making excuses. Leaving the "Buts" and comparisons behind.
A commitment for a better future is a big plus (but not to be confused with the sorry itself.
What if you're just not sorry?
Depending on the Situation...Sometimes you can say sorry and not mean that you are admitting guilt, but just that you feel pained by their pain.
Part 2: Why Forgive?
(יז)לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ הוֹכֵ֤חַ תּוֹכִ֙יחַ֙ אֶת־עֲמִיתֶ֔ךָ וְלֹא־תִשָּׂ֥א עָלָ֖יו חֵֽטְא׃(יח) לֹֽא־תִקֹּ֤ם וְלֹֽא־תִטֹּר֙ אֶת־בְּנֵ֣י עַמֶּ֔ךָ וְאָֽהַבְתָּ֥ לְרֵעֲךָ֖ כָּמ֑וֹךָ אֲנִ֖י יהוה׃
(17) You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your kinsman but incur no guilt because of him.(18) You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your fellow as yourself: I am the LORD.
רמבם הלכות תשובה פרק ב: י
אסור לאדם להיות אכזרי ולא יתפייס אלא יהא נוח לרצות וקשה לכעוס ובשעה שמבקש ממנו החוטא למחול מוחל בלב שלם ובנפש חפיצה ואפילו הצר לו וחטא לו הרבה לא יקום ולא יטור וזהו דרכם של זרע ישראל
Teshuvah - Chapter Two: 10
It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, he should be easily pacified, but hard to anger. When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and a willing spirit. Even if he aggravated and wronged him severely, he should not seek revenge or bear a grudge.
This is the path of the seed of Israel and their upright spirit.
"And I forgive anyone who wronged me...and let no person be punished because of me״ (Tefillah Zakkah).
On Erev Yom Kippur it is proper for a person to forgive any wrongs done to him even if he was not asked.
Forgiveness Makes You a Tzaddik!
Lev Hashamayim pp. 298
Why is Yosef The Tzaddik?
There's a deep Torah about Yosef Hatzadik. Generally we explain: Why is he Yosef called "Yosef Hatzadik"? Because he stood up to the test of "Esher Potiphar". There's no doubt that this is a big thing. But the truth is that the depth of the holiness of Yosef is that he was not angry at his brothers.
Just imagine, it's almost beyond our understanding: this big brothers grab him, a 17 year old boy, and throw him into a pit. And then they sell him as a slave.
They destroy his life. And he's not angry....
For if in the torah it's written that Yosef told his brothers "And don't be sad, for you had sold me, for in order to sustain you Hashem sent me in front of you".
This wasn't formal speech.- "The Testimony of Hashem is faithful".
When the Torah says this about Yosef, it needs to be true.
(ה) וְעַתָּ֣ה ׀ אַל־תֵּעָ֣צְב֗וּ וְאַל־יִ֙חַר֙ בְּעֵ֣ינֵיכֶ֔ם כִּֽי־מְכַרְתֶּ֥ם אֹתִ֖י הֵ֑נָּה כִּ֣י לְמִֽחְיָ֔ה שְׁלָחַ֥נִי אֱלֹהִ֖ים לִפְנֵיכֶֽם׃
(5) Now, do not be distressed or reproach yourselves because you sold me hither; it was to save life that God sent me ahead of you.
Forgiveness Demonstrates Your Emunah:
2. Reconfigure the way you perceive the cause for your ill feeling.
Our sages teach us that anger is akin to idol-worship.
Why is this so?
Once I am aware that everything that happens in the world in general, and in my life in particular, is by divine providence and hence for my benefit, I have no reason to get angry with anybody.
No one can choose to do me harm if it wasn’t decreed beforehand by G‑d. Once G‑d decrees that harm should befall me, G‑d forbid, anyone can now freely choose to be the agent to carry out the decree. So, when something painful happens in my life, instead of getting angry with the messenger, I should ask myself: why do I deserve this? Is it in order to test me? Is it in order to refine me? Is it a punishment? Is it an opportunity to accomplish something unexpected?
The Health Benefits of Forgiving Others:
“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D. , director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response . Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
People who practice conditional forgiveness -- in other words, people who can only forgive if others say sorry first or promise not to do the transgression again -- may be more likely to die earlier, compared with people who are less likely to practice conditional forgiveness, according to a a 2011 study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine.
It could have immune system benefits.
Research presented at a 2011 meeting of the Society of Behavioral Medicine showed that people with HIV who practiced genuine forgiveness toward someone who'd hurt them had higher CD4 cell percentages (considered positive for their immune status), Medscape reported.
Research presented at a 2011 meeting of the Society of Behavioral Medicine showed that people with HIV who practiced genuine forgiveness toward someone who'd hurt them had higher CD4 cell percentages (considered positive for their immune status), Medscape reported.
A 2005 Journal of Behavioral Medicine study showed that forgiveness is associated with a whole range of health measures, including medications taken, sleep quality and fatigue.
How to Forgive?
Forgiveness is a choice, Swartz says. “You are choosing to offer compassion and empathy to the person who wronged you.” The following steps can help you develop a more forgiving attitude—and benefit from better emotional and physical health.
Reflect and remember.
That includes the events themselves, and also how you reacted, how you felt, and how the anger and hurt have affected you since.
Empathize with the other person.
Forgive deeply.
Simply forgiving someone because you think you have no other alternative or because you think your religion requires it may be enough to bring some healing. But one study found that people whose forgiveness came in part from understanding that no one is perfect were able to resume a normal relationship with the other person, even if that person never apologized. Those who only forgave in an effort to salvage the relationship wound up with a worse relationship.
Let go of expectations.
An apology may not change your relationship with the other person or elicit an apology from her. If you don’t expect either, you won’t be disappointed.
Decide to forgive.
Once you make that choice, seal it with an action. If you don’t feel you can talk to the person who wronged you, write about your
in a journal or even talk about it to someone else in your life whom you trust.
(כא) וַיֹּאמְר֞וּ אִ֣ישׁ אֶל־אָחִ֗יו אֲבָל֮ אֲשֵׁמִ֣ים ׀ אֲנַחְנוּ֮ עַל־אָחִינוּ֒ אֲשֶׁ֨ר רָאִ֜ינוּ צָרַ֥ת נַפְשׁ֛וֹ בְּהִתְחַֽנְנ֥וֹ אֵלֵ֖ינוּ וְלֹ֣א שָׁמָ֑עְנוּ עַל־כֵּן֙ בָּ֣אָה אֵלֵ֔ינוּ הַצָּרָ֖ה הַזֹּֽאת׃(כב) וַיַּעַן֩ רְאוּבֵ֨ן אֹתָ֜ם לֵאמֹ֗ר הֲלוֹא֩ אָמַ֨רְתִּי אֲלֵיכֶ֧ם ׀ לֵאמֹ֛ר אַל־תֶּחֶטְא֥וּ בַיֶּ֖לֶד וְלֹ֣א שְׁמַעְתֶּ֑ם וְגַם־דָּמ֖וֹ הִנֵּ֥ה נִדְרָֽשׁ׃(כג) וְהֵם֙ לֹ֣א יָֽדְע֔וּ כִּ֥י שֹׁמֵ֖עַ יוֹסֵ֑ף כִּ֥י הַמֵּלִ֖יץ בֵּינֹתָֽם׃
(21) They said to one another, “Alas, we are being punished on account of our brother, because we looked on at his anguish, yet paid no heed as he pleaded with us. That is why this distress has come upon us.”(22) Then Reuben spoke up and said to them, “Did I not tell you, ‘Do no wrong to the boy’? But you paid no heed. Now comes the reckoning for his blood.”(23) They did not know that Joseph understood, for there was an interpreter between him and them.
(טז) וַיֹּ֣אמֶר יְהוּדָ֗ה מַה־נֹּאמַר֙ לַֽאדֹנִ֔י מַה־נְּדַבֵּ֖ר וּמַה־נִּצְטַדָּ֑ק הָאֱלֹהִ֗ים מָצָא֙ אֶת־עֲוֺ֣ן עֲבָדֶ֔יךָ הִנֶּנּ֤וּ עֲבָדִים֙ לַֽאדֹנִ֔י גַּם־אֲנַ֕חְנוּ גַּ֛ם אֲשֶׁר־נִמְצָ֥א הַגָּבִ֖יעַ בְּיָדֽוֹ׃
(16) Judah replied, “What can we say to my lord? How can we plead, how can we prove our innocence? God has uncovered the crime of your servants. Here we are, then, slaves of my lord, the rest of us as much as he in whose possession the goblet was found.”
Exceptions to the rule
1) You can't forgive someone for something they did to someone else (i.e. forgiving the Nazi's...)
2) If someone did something really really bad to you-it might require them to go above and beyond in their sincere teshuva, to completely forgive them...
There are different levels of forgiveness.
3) If you want to be connected to the person you forgive you may want to confront them and forgive them as an act of compassion for them, and not just for you.
4) If you feel like they will use your forgiveness as an excuse to continue their misdeeds, perhaps better not to forgive them, or at least not to tell them about it!
(לג) וְעַתָּ֗ה יֵֽשֶׁב־נָ֤א עַבְדְּךָ֙ תַּ֣חַת הַנַּ֔עַר עֶ֖בֶד לַֽאדֹנִ֑י וְהַנַּ֖עַר יַ֥עַל עִם־אֶחָֽיו׃
(33) Therefore, please let your servant remain as a slave to my lord instead of the boy, and let the boy go back with his brothers.
The Stages of Teshuva
Regret
Confession
Change in Actions