(א) מִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה שֶׁל דִּבְרֵיהֶם לְבַקֵּר חוֹלִים. וּלְנַחֵם אֲבֵלִים. וּלְהוֹצִיא הַמֵּת. וּלְהַכְנִיס הַכַּלָּה. וּלְלַוּוֹת הָאוֹרְחִים. וּלְהִתְעַסֵּק בְּכָל צָרְכֵי הַקְּבוּרָה. לָשֵׂאת עַל הַכָּתֵף. וְלֵילֵךְ לְפָנָיו וְלִסְפֹּד וְלַחְפֹּר וְלִקְבֹּר. וְכֵן לְשַׂמֵּחַ הַכַּלָּה וְהֶחָתָן. וּלְסַעֲדָם בְּכָל צָרְכֵיהֶם. וְאֵלּוּ הֵן גְּמִילוּת חֲסָדִים שֶׁבְּגוּפוֹ שֶׁאֵין לָהֶם שִׁעוּר. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁכָּל מִצְוֹת אֵלּוּ מִדִּבְרֵיהֶם הֲרֵי הֵן בִּכְלַל (ויקרא יט יח) "וְאָהַבְתָּ לְרֵעֲךָ כָּמוֹךָ". כָּל הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁאַתָּה רוֹצֶה שֶׁיַּעֲשׂוּ אוֹתָם לְךָ אֲחֵרִים. עֲשֵׂה אַתָּה אוֹתָן לְאָחִיךְ בְּתוֹרָה וּבְמִצְוֹת:
(1) It is a rabbinic positive precept to visit the sick, comfort the mourners, escort the dead, dower the bride, accompany the [departing] guests — — as well as to cheer the bride and the groom, and to assist them in whatever they need. Even though all these precepts are of rabbinic origin, they are implied in the biblical verse: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18); that is, whatever you would have others do to you, do to your brothers in Torah and precepts.
We note THREE observations from this Rambam:
1 -Term DIVREIHEM (seemingly, Mederabanan)
2 - Cheseds are Derabanan
3 -But...also M'Deoraisa ('V'Ahavta..."?
For now we will assume -as others do -that 'V'Ahavta' is about, simply, LOVE. The ACTIONS, however, to be taken -while perhaps also fulfilling 'V'Ahavta' -were created by CHAZAL
The Biur Halacha above points out that this Rema could only be true according to Rambam's View on NIchum Aveilum.
Rabbeinu Yona (Dafei Rif, Berachos 11b) who argues it is from Torah could not agree.
Now, where would we find a potential Biblical Source?...
(ז) יֵרָאֶה לִי שֶׁנֶּחָמַת אֲבֵלִים קוֹדֵם לְבִקּוּר חוֹלִים. שֶׁנִּחוּם אֲבֵלִים גְּמִילוּת חֶסֶד עִם הַחַיִּים וְעִם הַמֵּתִים:
A Double Chesed!
(ד) מֵת שֶׁאֵין לוֹ אֲבֵלִים לְהִתְנַחֵם. בָּאִים עֲשָׂרָה בְּנֵי אָדָם כְּשֵׁרִין וְיוֹשְׁבִין בִּמְקוֹמוֹ כָּל שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הָאֲבֵלוּת. וּשְׁאָר הָעָם מִתְקַבְּצִין עֲלֵיהֶן. וְאִם לֹא הָיוּ שָׁם עֲשָׂרָה קְבוּעִין בְּכָל יוֹם וְיוֹם מִתְקַבְּצִין עֲשָׂרָה מִשְּׁאָר הָעָם וְיוֹשְׁבִין בִּמְקוֹמוֹ:
(א) מת שאין לו וכו' עד מתקבצין עשרה משאר העם ויושבין במקומו. א''א זה אין לו שורש:
However, can not one argue the other way around!...
רַב הוּנָא אָמַר זֶה שֶׁמְבַקֵּר אֶת הַחוֹלֶה, דְּאָמַר רַב הוּנָא כָּל מִי שֶׁמְבַקֵּר אֶת הַחוֹלֶה פּוֹחֲתִים לוֹ אֶחָד מִשִּׁשִּׁים בְּחָלְיוֹ. אֵיתִיבֵיהּ לְרַב הוּנָא אִם כֵּן יַעֲלוּ שִׁשִּׁים וְיֵרֵד עִמָּהֶן לַשּׁוּק, אָמַר לָהֶם שִׁשִּׁים וּבִלְבָד שֶׁיְהוּ אוֹהֲבִין אוֹתוֹ כְּנַפְשׁוֹ
Perhaps even according to the Rambam there are limits to his Psak:...
(יב) יש אומרים שמי שיש לו חולה בתוך ביתו – ילך אצל חכם שבעיר שיבקש עליו רחמים ושיברכנו. וכן נהגו לברך את החולים בבית הכנסת בשעת קריאת התורה, דאז רחמים מתעורר. ואם המחלה חזקה – משנין השם, כלומר: שמוספין לו עוד שם לשמו. דזהו אחד מהדברים הקורעים גזר דין של אדם, כמו שאמרו חכמינו ז"ל בראש השנה (ראש השנה טז ב). ויש מי שרוצה לומר דכשהחולה במקום אחר – לא יתפללו עליו, דמי יודע אם הוא חי. ולעניות דעתי לא נהירא כלל, שהרי אפילו בגט מחזקינן ליה בחיים, דרוב חולים לחיים (גיטין כח א), וכל שכן לעניין תפילה. וכן המנהג הפשוט, ואין לפקפק בזה כלל. וניחום קודם לביקור חולים, דזהו חסד עם החיים והמתים, וביקור חולים לחיים לבד. אבל אם יודע תועלת להחולה – ביקור חולים קודם.
We see a source for the importance of NIchum Aveilim from the following allowance:...
...כרבי יוסי ואמר רבי חנינא בקושי התירו לנחם אבלים ולבקר חולים בשבת
....In accordance with the opinion of Rabbi Yosei. And Rabbi Ḥanina said: It was only with great difficulty that the Sages permitted to comfort the mourners and visit the sick on Shabbat,
However, the Ohr Smaeach ad loc. points us to another Gemara, where CHolim seem to come first:...
...תניא רבי אלעזר בר צדוק אומר כך היה מנהגן של אנשי ירושלים אדם יוצא מביתו ולולבו בידו הולך לבית הכנסת לולבו בידו קורא קריאת שמע ומתפלל ולולבו בידו קורא בתורה ונושא את כפיו מניחו על גבי קרקע הולך לבקר חולים ולנחם אבלים לולבו בידו נכנס לבית המדרש משגר לולבו ביד בנו וביד עבדו וביד שלוחו ...
...Rabbi Elazar bar Tzadok says: This was the custom of the people of Jerusalem during the festival of Sukkot. A person leaves his house, and his lulav is in his hand; he goes to the synagogue, and his lulav is in his hand; he recites Shema and prays, and his lulav is in his hand; he reads the Torah and a priest lifts his hands to recite the priestly benediction, and he places it on the ground because he cannot perform those tasks while holding the lulav. He goes to visit the ill or to console mourners, and his lulav is in his hand; he enters the study hall to study Torah, and he sends his lulav home in the hands of his son, in the hands of his slave, or in the hands of his agent. ...
He explains the Rambam that on YT the Mourning is not truly practiced, so Cholim come first.
However, see Rabbi D Feldman's 'Divine Footsteps' p. 84, where he wonders, then, that based on this should not Shabbos be the same?
I would suggest that Shabbos is deferent as it does not have the power to CANCEL days of Shiva.
What follows are two articles by this writer on the general subject of Visiting Mourners:
Shevach For Shiva
A Surprisingly Rewarding Part of the Rabbinate
I remember well my first shiva visit.
My best friend’s mother was sick for some time by that point.
I got used to it, almost. I would be by him for Shabbos all the time, and looking back I can imagine his parents discussing and agreeing that I should come so that their son could have some normalcy in his life. Even when his mother’s illness, near the end, made her too sick to even get up from the table, I was there. I remember how she kept on getting progressively more frail with each visit, and my mother explaining before dropping me off how her medicine is doing that to her.
Kids have a great sense of adaption, I just wanted to see my friend. Indeed, I have wonderful memories from those many shabbosim.
Looking back, it is hard now with the wisdom of time not to tear up thinking of his mother’s perseverance staying at the table and laughing with us through those seudos.
I had up until this point in my young life never dealt with death, and I figured –in my warped, childhood, hopeful thought-processing –that she will go on like this forever, even if she does not get better.
My best friend and I never talked talked about his mother being sick, or his fears, we were just eleven-year old boys who wanted to play baseball.
And then, one Sunday, I was about to go down to the basement in my house. I grabbed the door knob and opened the door before my mother called out for me from the kitchen. With the door open and the stairs behind me, I turned toward her. She looked at me solemnly and said, “Moshe, Yirmi’s mother passed away”.
I vividly recall having to grip the doorknob with all my might just so that I would not fall backward down the stairs.
I felt like I was punched in the gut. I gave a ‘tough guy’ “Oh, ok” as my mother tried to hug me, and girded myself to walk down to the basement. I remember feeling so foolish that I never thought this was even a possibility. I just sat down on the couch and stared at the wall trying to process this information.
And then I remembered my friend. I knew it was not the right time to call, but I also knew that as a kohein I would not be able to go to the levaya.
The next day, my sister Naomi so sweetly sat me down and gave me a point-by-point replay of the levaya. I am still thankful to her for that till this day.
But soon it was time to make a shiva visit.
I was so nervous.
This was a friend with whom we never stopped talking when together, and yet now I did not know if I could find the right words.
At that time, I was not aware of the words of the Shelah (beginning of meseches Pesachim) that sometimes the mitzvah of nichum avelim is causing the mourner to forget their loss and sadness.
Chazal teach that we must wait for the mourner to speak before we do. The Levush explains that this is because until they speak we do not know where emotionally they may be holding, and are therefore oblivious to what type of custom-nichum is needed just for them.
I do not remember what was said by my first shiva visit, but I do remember that I walked out of his house feeling somewhat…inspired.
By his strength, sure, but also through talking about his mother.
It was a painful but important lesson –as much as the avel can get from one’s visit, the visitor too can leave uplifted.
In rabbanus, visiting avelim is a part of the job. But it is one that inspires me, still. One can be cynical and think that every time someone is niftar the rav speaks about how special the person was, and that it has become hollow praise. But this is far from the truth. Rabbanim, and indeed many others, have come to learn how every yid-no matter their background –has something truly special about them to share, and to become inspired from.
I am writing this having just returned moments ago from a beis avel. I never met the father for whom this congregant was sitting shiva, and from what I could tell he did very well for himself after he arrived with his parents from Europe as a young boy.
His father, the avel explained to me, was very giving and all he cared about was his family. But this did not come from him alone, he explained, he in turn learnt it from his parents (the avel’s grandparents).
He then shared this story. After their arrival from Poland, his father, then about thirteen years old, took a variety of positions after school in a local supermarket. He cleaned, cut meat at the deli, ran a cash register, etc.
Because his immigrant parents had no money, he used to cash his paycheck and give the bulk of it to his parents to help with food, the rent, etc.
Several years pass and he realizes that he has accumulated a wealth of valuable information regarding every part of running a supermarket.
He wondered if its time to invest in opening up a supermarket of his own. He soon finds a partner and they plan and prepare to do just that.
One night he came home to tell his parents to share this news, which although will eventually be good for the family, for the time being will take time to make money and that his weekly stipends will have to temporally cease.
Far from being concerned, his parents were elated. They ran to their room and came out with a box. “Here, let us give you a gift to help with your store”.
The son –the now niftar-was shocked. His parents had no money whatsoever! How would they invest?
At this point in the story’s retelling the avel began to sob uncontrollably. When he composed himself, he shared the kicker.
For seven years, his parents never spent a penny of their son’s money, rather they saved for him when he would need it. With those funds he ended up opening his own store and soon was able to support his parents, and many future generations due to that selfless act of his parents.
Beautiful! How can one hear such a story and not have their life changed?!
Several weeks ago, I was paying a shiva visit to an important mechanech. He was sitting shiva for his mother. He explained that he was raised in an unobservant home. His parents did not know of anything else. They were twice a year shul-goers, at best (yartzeit and Yom Kippur).
He went to a Sunday Talmud Torah as a young boy, where the rebbe once shared with the class the beauty of Shabbos. That day he went home and told his mother defiantly, “I want to start keeping Shabbos”.
Instead of becoming defensive, she did everything she could to rearrange her and her husband’s schedule so that Shabbos could be observed by their son.
Then he heard about kashrus, and his mother bought him separate dishes.
Such kindness from his parents was soon repaid. In a matter of years his parents would become frum as well (his father even quitting a high paying job)!
It is hard to pay a shiva call, but if done right one will not just comfort the mourner, but will become inspired and indeed learn the beauty found in every life.
We just have to make sure to be careful how we pay a shiva call –the important do’s and don’t’s -something we will discuss iy’H next week.
Shiva Shivers
Rules and Advice For Your Shiva Call
This was one of the oddest news corrections I have ever seen.
“Associated Press: FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — In a story Feb. 22 about the Florida school shooting, The Associated Press misquoted Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel in some versions of the story when he spoke about the families of the victims. He said, "I've been to their homes where they're sitting shiva," not "where they sit and shiver."
Well, ‘six by one and have dozen by the other’- as the latter (sit and shiver) often describes the inner turmoil of the former (he who sits shiva).
Last week we shared some shiva stories, and expressed the gain each visitor can receive from any beis aveil.
We ended with these words: “It is hard to pay a shiva call, but if done right one will not just comfort the mourner, but will become inspired and indeed learn the beauty found in every life. We just have to make sure to be careful how we pay a shiva call –the important do’s and don’t’s -something we will discuss next week”
Several months ago a member of my shul lost a parent. Like always, our shul galvanized the troops and chesed committees to bring in aveilus chairs, visitor chairs, an arohn and sefer Torah- as well as plan and arrange meals for all the aveilim for the entire week and for the seudas haavrah.
When shiva was over, this mourner called me. While he certainly wanted to express his hakaras hatov to the community for all their help, his main purpose was something else entirely.
“Rabbi, you have to give a shiur, or something, on the halachos and etiquette of making a shiva call. A letter to the community, perhaps.”
He went on to share horror stories from his week of shiva; from the insensitive comments to the foolish ones.
I, as well as surely many readers, have witnessed such errors in a shiva home, no matter how good the intentions behind them were.
As we get closer to Pesach, one example comes to mind from a dark and cold Pesach several years ago. As I have mentioned before in these pages, my wife’s younger brother, Nesanel a’h, was killed erev Pesach on his way to learn bein hazmanim.
The levaya was arranged, and the entire shiva was brief-a few hours-and its seemed the entire city of Toronto streamed to my in laws that erev Shabbos/Pesach, and through some ness all managed to fit inside.
Before the levaya I worked with one of my brother-in-laws on his hesped for his beloved brother.
I shared with him a Ramban and his comments on a midrash that were apropos.
Briefly, After the demise of Nadav and Avihu, their father, Aaron, had a reaction that has perplexed meforshim for centuries: ‘…vayidom aahron’ ‘…and Aaron was silent…’.
Rashi (s.v. vayidom) points out that there was something unique, nay, exemplarily, about this silence of Aaron that merited reward. However, what was unique about his silence however, seems mysterious.
Ramban, in a brief comment on this verse, gives two possible interpretations, both of which change entirely how this episode may have transpired. “For {Aaron} cried out loudly after which he was silent, or, {Vayidom} has the same meaning as in Eichah 2:18, to be still.”
Aaron’s silence was not representative of his have nothing to say; on the contrary, it represented his holding back. Indeed, in a fascinating, if not spectacular midrash chazal teach us what Aaron’s grief could have brought him to say as well as the “questions” he could have, or may have, been tempted to ask the HaKadosh Baruch Hu (see Shallal Rav pg. 104 where this midrash is discussed at length).
Instead, in a remarkable expression of faith, Aaron became still, passive, inanimate –Domeim.
Keep the above in mind, as it plays vital in the next part of the story.
Soon came the seder Pesach night-with one of the arbaah banim literally missing from the yom tov table. It was a painful mah nishtana, not to mention that we already knew the difference between this night-this seder-and all others.
My father-in-law the next morning awoke for vasikin –as he had done for decades and was not about to change now.
Someone walked over to him after davening and gave him a hug, and then said, “Your son, in his hesped, I think what he said was apikorsis. How could we say that Arron had questions?”
Can you imagine this?! Leaving aside that this is a midrash, and even if we would like to assume that his reaction was the correct one, who goes over to a father who just buried his son hours ago to inform him that one of his well-meaning bnei torah surviving sons preached apikorsis?!
We quoted last week from chazal who teach us that we must wait for the mourner to speak before we do. The Levush explains that this is because until they speak we do not know where emotionally they may be holding, and are therefore oblivious to what type of custom-made nichum aveilim that is needed just for them.
However, some things we will just have to assume on our own.
Like the words of Rav Moshe Chaim Lutzatto in his hakdama to the Mesillas Yesharim, we come here not to pave new ground but to remind everyone of the obvious.
First of all, you are there to offer nechama, most crucially by talking about the nifter. Of course, if the aveil does not speak at all one can start to stay some simple words of nechama, like “I am so sorry for your loss”.
I myself always ask, “Are you up to sharing with me about the life of your father/mother?”
However, a shiva call is not the time to assume a rebbe’ish stance-offering reasons why this or that happened, why suffering is a zechus, or how this too will be seen for the best. Indeed, the baalei mussar stress that gam zu l’tova is to be used internally (for one self) and not externally (to tell others).
By all means, you may, and should, offer any help that they may need.
Do not ask about missing family members or siblings who may be sitting shiva elsewhere. While usually a harmless question, there are times, sadly, that a family is or has become split.
You do not need to know about the illness that preceded a death. You are not there to satisfy your own curiosity.
Your presence alone is a nechama, if you are able to talk about the niftar and help focus the conversations toward that aim, well, that would be a bonus.
Let the aveil know you are there for anything they need.
And remember the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt”