Once you are managing a Jewish household, you instantly see the high level of partnership and alignment required to make it all come together. It is nothing like being a guest at someone's Shabbat table when the household is yours. From the daily things that need to get done, to hosting together weekly, to parenting together, to achieving your dreams... everything requires partnership.
The bottom line is that it takes a lot of physical work day in and day out to run a household. It takes resilience and patience to raise kids. A lifelong of partnership requires that each partner to be open to growth.
Here we will take a look at how the Torah understands the partnership between a husband and wife and will offer some reflective questions to help you navigate the balance.
כן האדם התחתון אמרו רז"ל (סוטה יז, א) איש ואשה שזכו שם י"ה שרוי ביניהם, כי כן תמצא באיש אות י' ובאשה אות ה', הרי י"ה שבטי יה עדות לישראל, ואלו אותיות של י"ה רומזים לחכמה ובינה. ובא הציווי מצות עשה של פריה ורביה שצריך להוליד בן ובת. הרי איש ואשתו ובן ובת שמולידים הוא סוד ידו"ד, ואז נקרא אדם בסוד הדמות אדמה לעליון. ועל שם זה נקרא הראשון יציר כפיו אדם, והוא סוד שם ידו"ד במילואו יו"ד ה"א וא"ו ה"א עולה אדם, ולא נקרא אדם רק עם אשתו. נודע שהאשה היא מילוי האיש בעיבורה, וכן תמצא מילוי השם עולה כמנין חו"ה, כי כן ו"ד א' א"ו א' עולה י"ט כמנין חוה, זהו דרך כלל שנקרא אדם:
Man and woman merit to have the name י-ה between them since in Hebrew the names for man and woman - איש ואשה - each contain one of these one of the letters of the Ineffable Name, the י-ה. The tribes of Israel are known as שבטי י-ה (Psalms 122:4) and these letters hint to the aspects of chochmah and binah - knowledge and intuition. We can understand that man's duty (the duty of the אדם התחתון on earth) is to parallel G–d's activities. This means that man and woman and son and daughter are obliged to procreate "in their image" just as G–d created them in His image - a human being comprising male and female components.
From the above it follows that when man, woman, son and daughter procreate, they perform the essential (סוד) function assigned to them by the Ineffable Name. When they do that they qualify for the appellation אדם, meaning that they do on earth - אדמה - something akin to what G–d has done in the Heavens.
It is interesting that when you spell the Ineffable Name in words instead of in letters, i.e. 6=יוד-20, הא-6, ואו-13. הא, this adds up to the numerical value of the word 45=אדם (adam). We have already pointed out that man is not called אדם (adam) except with his mate, his wife. It is known that woman is the מלוי of man - she complements him through her pregnancy. The alternate name for woman, is 19 = חוה (eve). When you consider that the difference between the spelling of the Ineffable Name in letters rather than in words is 19, [45 instead of 26] this demonstrates that G–d's name too is made up of a masculine element and a מלוי, a feminine element. As a unit then, man and woman are called אדם (adam).
Yeshayahu Levi Horovitz was a Polish rabbi and kabbalist. His great work, Shnei Luchot HaBrit is almost unparalleled in its impact on Ashkenazic Jewish life, playing an enormous role in popularizing kabbalistic ideas.
According to the Shnei Luchot HaBrit, man and woman make up what the Torah calls Adam. Throughout Bereishit, G-d instructs Adam with different missions - to conquer the earth, to procreate, etc. If Adam refers to both man and woman, how does that change our understanding of our bond as a couple?
What does partnership mean in the context of a marriage?
How does it break down in terms of our religious choices and hashgafic positions as a family?
What does it look like in our day to day division of labor?
How does our partnership impact where we live and our community?
How does partnership play a role in each one of us realizing our professional aspirations and personal dreams?
(2) Since in the animal kingdom the sole purpose of mating is the progeny, it was sufficient for the males and females of the species to have been created independently of one another. After all, their union had no purpose beyond the physical. Since man was to establish civilization and close co-operation between the males and the females would be necessary, it was deemed right to equip them with the maximum number of common characteristics, so that they would be able to identify with one another.
(3) This is the meaning of "It is not good for humans to be separate," i.e. for the male and the female to have separate origins. Adam's helpmate therefore will be made in a way that will enable her to become his full partner in all his tasks. In chapter 2,19, the word " vayitzer" spelled with only one letter yud when the animals are being created, stresses the word "from the earth"; whatever was created from earth was without soul and when presented before man he could immediately understand that their very nature was merely nefesh chayah, living matter, but not spirit, no intellect.
It remained for Adam only to distinguish individual differences and name them accordingly. Naturally, he found no mate among these creatures. (4+6) He was put to sleep in order a) to avoid the pain of the operation; b) so that the surprise when he awoke and found a mate would make him rejoice. This is one of the reasons our sages call someone who finds a wife as "having made a find." Adam found what he had missed so far, and had been hoping to find. Taking one of his own sides, created the strong chibbur, bond, that we have discussed as being the basis of mutual love.
(7) Adam emphasized that the primary bond with Eve was not sexual in nature, but a kindred spirit. Therefore, when naming her, the sexual aspect ("She is the mother of all living humans") was absent, and the overall human function of ish was emphasized as the predominating bond between them. The other name would have misrepresented the essence of the relationship. The absence of the letter yud in ishah pointedly avoids giving the impression that she is merely what parah, cow, is to par, bull. The former name being from the same root indicates simultaneous creation; isha being from a different root than ish, shows that woman was subsequent to Man, and that man has a certain precedence over her. This confirms that woman is man's helper, not vice versa. The words "taken from man" means "subsequent to him."
Rabbi Isaac ben Moses Arama (1420 – 1494) was a scholar in Spain who published this collection of philosophical sermons on Torah.
The Akeidat Yitzchak has an almost radically modern take on the partnership between man and woman. His read on creation presents the full partnership between two equally valued, cherished individuals working towards a common goal. What do you think he is referring to when he talks about the "basis for mutual love"?
How does our mutual love for our partner show up in our daily partnership?
What dreams or temporary pleasures are we willing to forgo for our partnership?
What challenges does life present that can be overcome and/or conquered by a commitment to partnership and mutual love?
אשכחיה רבי יוסי לאליהו א"ל כתיב אעשה לו עזר במה אשה עוזרתו לאדם א"ל אדם מביא חיטין חיטין כוסס פשתן פשתן לובש לא נמצאת מאירה עיניו ומעמידתו על רגליו
The Gemara relates that Rabbi Yosei encountered Elijah the prophet and said to him: It is written: I will make him a helpmate. In what manner does a woman help a man? Elijah said to him: When a man brings wheat from the field, does he chew raw wheat? When he brings home flax, does he wear unprocessed flax? His wife turns the raw products into bread and clothing. Is his wife not found to be the one who lights up his eyes and stands him on his feet?
Elijah the Prophet beautifully describes the relationship between man and woman with his metaphor. What do you think is the modern version of a wife turning wheat and flax into bread and clothing? What does it mean to light a husband's eyes and stand him on his feet?
Which roles in your marriage are unique to the husband or wife? Which are shared?
What is the partnership between your distinct roles?
Are there practical scenarios where you can forsee the tension between your roles and your partnership? What practical ways could you maintain the balance?
What will keep you accountable to your mutual love and commitment to one another?
רְאֵ֨ה חַיִּ֜ים עִם־אִשָּׁ֣ה אֲשֶׁר־אָהַ֗בְתָּ כָּל־יְמֵי֙ חַיֵּ֣י הֶבְלֶ֔ךָ אֲשֶׁ֤ר נָֽתַן־לְךָ֙ תַּ֣חַת הַשֶּׁ֔מֶשׁ כֹּ֖ל יְמֵ֣י הֶבְלֶ֑ךָ כִּ֣י ה֤וּא חֶלְקְךָ֙ בַּֽחַיִּ֔ים וּבַעֲמָ֣לְךָ֔ אֲשֶׁר־אַתָּ֥ה עָמֵ֖ל תַּ֥חַת הַשָּֽׁמֶשׁ׃
שרה אמו, Rashi says because we all know that Sarah had been Yitzchok’s mother explains here that as long as Sarah had been alive, a light was burning in her tent on a 24/7 basis, and her doughs were always blessed, and a cloud was overhead at the entrance to her tent. These phenomena had stopped with her death. As soon as Rivkah entered the tent the light began to burn again. This was taken by Yitzchok as a sign that Rivkah would replace the mother he had held dear in his heart as long as she had been alive. (Rashi’s source is B’reshit Rabbah 60,16)
The value that a female partner adds to a man's life is not lost on the rabbis. It is clear both from the Tanach and the rabbinic sources that each Jewish home only goes as far or as fast as the woman. We see this from the tent of Sarah without whom her husband and son could not continue their work. We never see Avraham receiving prophecy after her death. Only Rivkah brings comfort to Yitzchok who is inconsolable without the presence of his mother.
To what do degree do we value female roles in the home?
What examples do we have of domesticity and male/female partnership from our parents?
How much of that do we want to take into our marriage?
What will be unique about the partnership that we form?