Tochacha: Criticism or Guidance? Finding the way to Teshuva

(6) If one man commit a sin against another man, the one sinned against shall not remain in silent hate against the sinner, as it is said of the wicked: "And Absalom spoke unto Amnon neither good nor bad; for Absalom hated Amnon" (Second Samuel. 13.22); but, on the contrary, it is obligatory upon him to make known to him and say unto him: "Why have you done to me thus and such, and wherefore have you sinned against me in that particular matter?"; for, it is said: "And thou shalt indeed rebuke thy neighbor" (Lev. 19.17). And, if the sinner did repent and begged to be forgiven by him, he must forgive him; and in doing so he should not be cruel, for it is said: "And Abraham prayed unto God" (Gen. 20.17).⁶For Abimelech, who sinned against him. G.

(9) He against whom a fellow sinned, who did not want to rebuke him, nor to speak aught to him, because the sinner is extremely common, or possessed of a distorted mind, but within his heart forgave him, and lodged no hatred against him, though he rebuked him not, behold, such is a pious conduct for, the Torah did not concern itself with aught save against hatred.⁹Yoma, 16b. G.

(1) The commandment of rebuke to an Israelite who does not behave properly: To rebuke an Israelite who does not behave properly - whether about things that are between a man and his fellow or between a man and the Omnipresent - as it is stated (Leviticus 19:17), "you shall surely rebuke your compatriot, and you shall not bear a sin for him." And they said in Sifra, Kedoshim 4:8, "From where [do we know] that if you rebuked him four or five times and he did not return, that you are obligated to go back and rebuke [him again]? [Hence] we learn to say, 'you shall surely rebuke.'" And they, may their memory be blessed, also said in the Gemara (Bava Metzia 31a), "'You shall surely rebuke' - even a hundred times." And they said in the Sifra, "Perhaps, he should rebuke and his face change [color]? [Hence] we learn to say, 'and you shall not bear a sin for him.'" And this teaches that at the beginning of the rebuke it is fitting for a person to rebuke privately, with soft expressions and calm words, so that he not be embarrassed. But there is no doubt that if he does not return with this, that we shame the sinner in public and publicize his sin and insult him, until he returns to the better.

(2) It is from the roots of the commandment [that it is] because there is peace and goodness between people with this. As when a man sins to a man, and he rebukes him privately, he will apologize in front of him, and [the other] will accept his apology and he will be whole (some have the variant, at peace) with him. But if he does not rebuke him, he will loathe him in his heart and injure him at the time or at some [other] point in time, as it is stated about evildoers (II Samuel 13:22), "And Avshalom did not speak with Amnon." And 'all the ways of the Torah are pleasant and its paths are peace.'

(3) From the laws of the commandment is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Arakhin 16b) that the obligation of this commandment is until hitting - meaning to say that the one rebuking is obligated to multiply his rebukes upon the sinner until it is enough that the sinner is close to hitting the one rebuking. And nonetheless they, may their memory be blessed, also said (Arakhin 16b) that if the one rebuking sees that there is no benefit at all found from the words of his rebukes - from the greatness of the sinner's evil, or that he is deaf [to it] and extremely evil and [the rebuker] is afraid of him that he not stand against him and kill him - that he is not obligated in this commandment with this man. And this is what they, may their memory be blessed, said (Yevamot 65b), "In the same way as it is a commandment to say something that will be heard, so [too,] is it a commandment to be quiet in a place where the thing will not be heard" - since there would be disgrace in the matter for the one who is rebuking and no benefit to the one who is rebuked. And nonetheless, it is for every careful person to consider and to pay great attention to these matters and to think and see if there will be a benefit to the sinner with his words, such that he should rebuke him and trust in God, may He be blessed - as He will help him in his fight with His enemies. And let his heart not be soft and let him not fear, since 'the Lord protects all those that love Him and He obliterates all of the evildoers.' And if the sinner returns, he will have great reward for this. But the one who has in his hand [the possibility of] bringing him back and rebuking him, and does not rebuke him, is caught in his sin. And this is something clear from the words of our Rabbis (Shabbat 55a) and also from Scripture (Isaiah 3:14). And they, may their memory be blessed, also said (Yevamot 65b) that even a minor is obligated to rebuke an adult if he sees the adult going in a path that is not good. [These] and the rest of the details of the commandment are elucidated in scattered [places] in the Talmud (see Mishneh Torah, Laws of Human Dispositions 6).

(4) And this commandment is practiced in every place and at all times by males and females. And one who transgresses it and does not rebuke in the manner that we said has violated this positive commandment; and he is also from the group of evildoers who do this.

(2) "My beloved Rabbi Joseph Josel, greetings!
As yet you have given only evasive answers to my letters. You have scolded your friends who reminded you that you left a family behind. You have shown great animosity to those who reprimanded you therefor. But the biblical law (Leviticus 19:17) 'Thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbor' obliges me to write to you again. Moreover, I could not refrain from seeing the grief, tears, and broken-down condition of your chaste wife. Is she to wait for you all her life? And as far as you are concerned, is this to be the life of a scholar? Furthermore, no scholar is allowed to separate from his wife for more than three years; and may God save you from that! How much blood have you shed, your own and your children's!

(13) Anyone who hates a fellow-Jew in his heart, transgresses a negative commandment, as it is said: "Do not hate your brother in your heart."⁴⁰Leviticus 19:17. (See Chapter 189: 5) If anyone has sinned against you, you should not hate him inwardly, and keep quite about it, as it is written concerning the wicked, "And Avshalom did not speak to Amnon either bad or good because Avshalom hated Amnon,"⁴¹II Samuel 13:22. but it is your duty to let him know [what you think of him] and to say to him,⁴²You should not denounce him publicly and thereby embarrass him, rather chide him in private in a calm and gentle tone of voice. (Mishnah Berurah 156:4). "Why have you done this to me, why have you sinned against me in this matter?", for it is said: "You must admonish your neighbor."⁴³Leviticus 19:17. If the offender regrets it and asks you to forgive him, you should forgive him and not be harsh, for it is said:⁴⁴Genesis 20:17. "And Avraham prayed to God."⁴⁵Asking God to heal Avimelech. Avimelech had taken away Sarah, but returned her to Avraham, expressing sincere remorse. In Avos de Rabbi Nasan (end of Chapter 16) [it is stated] "What is meant by 'hatred of people'?" It conveys this thought: "A person should not think of saying "I will love the scholars but hate the students, I will love the students but hate the unlearned." Rather, you should love them all, but hate the heretics, and those who mislead and entice people, [to abandon the Torah and follow false doctrines], and also [hate] the informers. And thus David said,⁴⁶Psalms 139:22. "Behold, those who hate You Hashem, I hate, and with those who rise up against You, I contend. With utmost hatred do I hate them, they have come to be my enemies." But didn't God say; "Love your neighbor as [you love] yourself, I am Hashem?" For what reason? Because I (God) have created him. And if he keeps the laws of your people you must love him, if not, you should not love him.

(1) But if they see that the sinner is one of the foolish scoffers who hate their reprovers, as it is written (Mishlei 9:8): "Do not reprove the scoffer, lest he hate you," and their words will certainly not be accepted, and men such as these readily return to their folly, so that he may very likely come to sin again — if so, it is better for them if they tell it to the judges of the city, so that they chastise him for his sin and keep him from future transgression. And it would seem that the same holds true for [telling] the relatives of the sinner if [we know that] their words [of reproof] will be accepted by him [see Be'er Mayim Chayim]. And the entire intent of the teller should be for the sake of Heaven and in zeal for the L–rd, and not because of their hatred of him for something else. And the judges, too, should chastise the sinner in secret and not "whiten his face" in public, as it is written (Vayikra 19:17): "Reprove shall you reprove your neighbor, but do not bear sin because of him." And all this if they saw him with [i.e., if they were] two witnesses, but if he were a single witness, he may not testify against his friend, for his testimony is in vain, the judges being unable to rely upon it, viz. (Devarim 19:15): "One witness shall not arise against a man for every transgression and for every sin." Therefore, [if he does so], he is considered a motzi shem ra [the spreader of an evil report], concerning which our Rabbis have said (Sha'arei Teshuvah 22): "One who testified singly against his friend receives stripes of rebellion." And our sages have said (Pesachim 113b): "Three are hated by the Holy One Blessed be He," one of them being "one who sees a thing of ervah [immorality] in his friend and testifies against him singly." But he can reveal the thing secretly to his [the sinner's] Rabbi and to his close confidant, if he knows that his words will be accepted as those of two witnesses. And his Rabbi is permitted to hate him for this and to distance himself from his company, until it becomes known to him that he has repented of his evil way. But his Rabbi may not tell this to others, it being no better than seeing it himself, as we have written above in section 4.