Forgive me, friend

MISHNA: Despite the fact that the assailant who caused damage gives to the victim all of the required payments for the injury, his transgression is not forgiven for him in the heavenly court until he requests forgiveness from the victim, as it is stated that God told Abimelech after he had taken Sarah from Abraham: “Now therefore restore the wife of the man; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for you, and you shall live” (Genesis 20:7). And from where is it derived that if the victim does not forgive him that he is cruel? As it is stated: “And Abraham prayed to God; and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bore children” (Genesis 20:17).

(9) Neither repentance nor the Day of Atonement atone for any save for sins committed between man and God, for instance, one who ate forbidden food, or had forbidden coition and the like; but sins between man and man, for instance, one injures his neighbor, or curses his neighbor or plunders him, or offends him in like matters, is ever not absolved unless he makes restitution of what he owes and begs the forgiveness of his neighbor. And, although he make restitution of the monetory debt, he is obliged to pacify him and to beg his forgiveness. Even he offended not his neighbor in aught save in words, he is obliged to appease him and implore him till he be forgiven by him. If his neighbor refuses a committee of three friends to forgive him, he should bring to implore and beg of him; if he still refuses he should bring a second, even a third committee, and if he remains obstinate, he may leave him to himself and pass on, for the sin then rests upon him who refuses forgiveness. But if it happened to be his master, he should go and come to him for forgiveness even a thousand times till he does forgive him.¹⁰Ibid. 85b; Baba Kamma, 92a; Yoma, 87b. C.

(1) Transgressions between people are not subject to atonement on Yom Kippur unless the offender appeases the offended party. Even if one aggrieved another with words alone, this appeasement is necessary. If one cannot effect appeasement at first, one must return a second and a third time, taking along three people. If the offended party will not be appeased after three visits, one may desist. [Rema: afterwards, however, the offender should relate before ten people that forgiveness was sought--Mordechai on Yoma, and Maharil]. If he is one's Rabbi, one must go to him several times until the Rabbi is appeased. [Rema: one should not be cruel and withhold forgiveness (Maharil), unless it is for the benefit of the one seeking forgiveness (Yoma). If one was a victim of slander, one need not forgive. (Mordechai and Smag and Hagahot Maimuni, Teshuvah chapter 2, and Mahariv).

He also said: Nor was I ever inflexible in exacting a measure of retribution against those who wronged me. This is referring to conduct such as that which Rava said: Anyone who overlooks exacting a measure of retribution against those who wronged him, all his transgressions are removed from him, as it is stated: “He pardons iniquity and overlooks transgression” (Micah 7:18), which is homiletically read as saying: For whom does He pardon iniquity? For he who overlooks transgressions that others have committed against him.

(10) It is forbidden for man to be ill-natured and unforgiving, for he must be easily appeased but unwidely to wrath; and when a sinner implores him for pardon, he should grant him pardon wholeheartedly and soulfully. Even if one persecuted him and sinned against him exceedingly he should not be vengeful and grudge-bearing, for such is the path of the seed of Israel and of their excellent heart. Only the idolaters are not so, they are of uncircumcised heart, and their wrath is ever-watchful; and, because the Gibonites were unforgiving and unappeasing, that of them it is said: "Now the Gibonites were not of the children of Israel" (II. Samuel, 21.2).¹¹Baba Kamma, 92a. C.

(11) One who committed a sin against a friend, and the friend died before he asked his forgiveness, should bring ten adults at his grave and there say: "I have sinned against the Lord God of Israel and against this man (naming him), and I have done against him thus and such (naming the sins). If he was indebted to him he should return the money to the heirs; if he knew not of his heirs he should leave the amount with the tribunal, whenafter his confession should be delivered.¹²Yoma, 86a; Baba Kamma, 103a. C.

(2) If the person against whom he sinned has died, then he brings 10 people with him to stand by his grave and he says: "I have sinned before the G-d of Israel and against So-and-So I have transgressed." (Remah: And our custom is to request forgiveness on the eve of Yom Kippur (Mordekhai)).