אבל אסור כל ל' יום לישא אשה. ובו ג' סעיפים:
אסור לישא אשה כל ל' יום אפילו בלא סעודה ולאחר שלשים מותר אפי' על אביו ואמו ואפילו לעשות סעודה ומותר לקדש אשה אפילו ביום המיתה והוא שלא יעשה סעודה אלא אם כן עברו שלשים יום (וי"א דגם לארס אסור כל ל' יום) (טור והרא"ש והרמב"ן וכן עיקר):
[The mourner] is forbidden to take a wife during the entire thirty days [of mourning],1Tur derived from M.K. 23a. even without [making] a [wedding-] feast;2The same ruling applies prior to the week during which the fast of the ninth of Ab occurs. Yeb. 43a-b and O.Ḥ. § 551, 2 (Isserles (ibid.)rules, however, that it is prohibited to take a wife from the seventeenth of Tammuz until the ninth of Ab incl.). For the marriage proper is considered a joyous occasion. It matters not whether he is a bachelor or a widower, or whether he is marrying a spinster or a widow. and after thirty [days], he is permitted, even [if he is in mourning] for his father and mother,3Although in all other laws pertaining to mourning, the law of twelve months applies to one in mourning for a parent, in the case of marriage, however, the Rabbis were not stringent and put the law of mourning for a parent on an equal footing with one who mourns the loss of other near-of-kin, who observes mourning rites for thirty days only. Consequently, he may even prepare a feast, despite the fact that he is in mourning for a parent. Yeb. 43b, Tosaf. s.v. שאני; Ket. 4a, Tosaf. s.v. אבל; Asheri on the authority of R. Tam; Sem(H). IX, 14; VIII, 15. and he is even [permitted] to make a [wedding-] feast.3Although in all other laws pertaining to mourning, the law of twelve months applies to one in mourning for a parent, in the case of marriage, however, the Rabbis were not stringent and put the law of mourning for a parent on an equal footing with one who mourns the loss of other near-of-kin, who observes mourning rites for thirty days only. Consequently, he may even prepare a feast, despite the fact that he is in mourning for a parent. Yeb. 43b, Tosaf. s.v. שאני; Ket. 4a, Tosaf. s.v. אבל; Asheri on the authority of R. Tam; Sem(H). IX, 14; VIII, 15. However, he is permitted to betroth a wife,4To become engaged. even on the day of death [of his near-of-kin],5Yad, Ebel VI, 5. Maimonides’ reason is that M.K. ibid. mentions only marriage, but not betrothal. Therefore, since in Yeb. ibid. there is a difference of opinion between R. Judah and R. Jose, the latter maintaining that it is forbidden to betroth, — yet, since M.K. would harmonize with R. Judah’s view, who permits betrothal, this is the law — Leḥ. Mish. Furthermore, just as we find that on the fast day of the ninth of Ab, one may betroth lest another man get ahead of him in proposing to the woman he desires to marry (שמא יקדמנו אחר), the same applies according to Maim. to mourning rites. However, most of the authorities dispute this ruling of Maim., for they hold that the law is in accord with R. Jose (Yeb. ibid.), and this law cannot be derived from the ninth of Ab, since in the latter case it is considered ‘an ancient mourning’ (אבילות ישנה). Accordingly, the reason M.K. ibid. mentions only marriage, is primarily for the sake of introducing a remarkable feature, viz., marriage during mourning, but this does not exclude betrothal from the same ruling. Isserles, therefore, rules (v. anon) that even betrothal is forbidden for the entire thirty days. provided he does not make a feast [of betrothal], unless thirty days have gone by [at which time a feast is permissible].6 Kes. Mish. to Yad, ibid. and B.Yos. a.l. And some say that even betrothal is forbidden the entire thirty days [of mourning].7Tur, Asheri and N — G. Cf. n. 5 supra. Negotiations preliminary to betrothal (שידוכין) are permitted even on the day of death (BaḤ), provided no feast is made — ShaK, A.H. Cf. Sh.M.B. IV, p. 309-10. And thus is the fundamental principle.
מתה אשתו אסור לישא אחרת עד שיעברו עליה שלש רגלים (אבל ליכנס לבית המשתה דינו כמו בשאר קרובים) (טור) וראש השנה ויום הכפורים אינם חשובי' כרגלים לענין זה ואם לא קיים מצות פריה ורביה או שיש לו בנים קטנים או שאין לו מי שישמשנו מותר לקדש מיד ולכנוס אחר שבעה ולא יבא עליה עד לאחר שלשים יום אלא אם כן לא קיים מצות פריה ורביה שאז מותר לבא עליה אחר ז': הגה והוא הדין בשאר אבלות אפילו באבלות דאביו ואמו מותר לישא ולבא עליה אחר שבעה אם לא קיים פריה ורביה. י"א דאף מי שהוא עשיר ויכולת בידו לשכור לו משרתים ומשרתות מכל מקום אם אין בתו או כלתו אצלו בביתו שתוכל לשמשו בחפיפת הראש או שאר דברים שמתבייש מאחרים מקרי אין לו מי שישמשנו וכל כיוצא בזה (פסקי מהרא"י סי"ג) ולכן נשתרבב המנהג שרבים מקילין בענין ונושאין נשים תוך שלש רגלים ובעל נפש יחוש לעצמו. מי שתפשו השר ואינו רוצה להניחו מתפיסתו עד שישא אשה תוך שלש רגלים אחר מיתת אשתו יש מתירין משום צער דידיה (ב"י) וכן נראה לי עיקר:
If his wife died, he is forbidden to take another [wife] until three Festivals have gone by her [death].8M.K. 23a in accord with the First Tanna; Sem(H). VII, 15. Thus also Yad, Ebel VI, 5 cited by Tur, contra second opinion stated by R. Judah (M.K. ibid.) that the prohibition extends only until the second Festival, but before the third he is permitted. Tosaf. ibid. s.v. ער state on the authority of R. Jonah that R. Judah’s opinion cannot be accepted on the principle that in all matters pertaining to mourning the law is in accord with the lenient authority (this is in fact the ruling of Ghayyat, N and Asheri that we we must accept R. Judah’s view since he represents the lenient opinion), for in the case of remarriage after his former wife’s death, the days of mourning (i.e., the thirty days) have already gone by and the reason for the requirement of three Festivals has no bearing upon mourning rites. Tosaf. ibid. advances various reasons why the husband must wait until three Festivals have passed prior to remarriage, — a) that by waiting for three Festivals to pass without the joy of marital life, he will not forget his former wife’s love and consequently, he will be inspired to remarry; b) to give the husband a chance to forget his former wife’s love, so that when he remarries, he will not mention his former wife’s love and devotion to his second wife, and thereby will avoid domestic friction. The law of three Festivals applies whether his former wife was at the time of marriage a spinster or a widow, or whether it was his first or second marriage. Likewise, whether his former wife was healthy or sick, or whether he lived peacefully or had disputes with her — A.H. The lenient view of R. Judah that two Festivals suffice, may be relied upon in a case of emergency — A.H. In the case where her husband died, she mourns only for thirty days, but she is forbidden to become engaged or to remarry before three months go by, in order to determine whether she is with child by her former husband or not (v. E.H. § 13). Mord. states that the reason why a woman does not have to wait until three Festivals have gone by before remarriage, is that she is satisfied to lead a married life than to remain single (v. Kid. 7a), and consequently, she is more apt to forget her former husband after thirty days of mourning and to devote herself to her new partner. If it happened that he married her within her thirty days of mourning for other near-of-kin, she should not cohabit with him before the thirty days of mourning are over. Thus opinion of Maim. (Yad, ibid), in accord with BaḤ’s interpretation — TaZ, ShaK. Shemini Aẓereth is considered an independent Festival with respect to the waiting period of three Festivals — D.Merb. R.A.Eger, however, disagrees with the latter. One whose wife died on Ḥol ha-Moed of the Passover Festival, and he wishes to remarry on the twentieth of Adar II, i.e., after twelve months will have gone by, the law is that although three Festivals will not have elapsed, he is nevertheless, permitted — P.Tesh. However, as to entering a house of feasting, the law regarding him is as [in the case of] other near-of-kin.9Tur — G. Yeb. 43b, Tosaf. s.v. שאני. Cf. supra § 391. With respect to all other matters pertaining to mourning rites, he observes only thirty days as in the case of other near-of-kin — ShaK. The New Year and the Day of Atonement are not regarded as Festivals in this respect.10The New Year (Rosh ha-Shana) and the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) are not regarded as Festivals in Scripture (‘Er. 40b). The three Festival are Passover, Pentecost and Tabernacles (cf. supra n. 8). O.Ḥ. § 582, 8. If he has not complied [yet] with the duty of propagation,11M.K. ibid. E.H. § 1. or [if] he has small children, or [if] he has no one to attend to him,12Y.Yeb. IV, 11(6b) he may betroth forthwith and wed [her] after the seven [days of mourning],13This is in accord with Caro’s ruling supra par. 1, who follows Maim. But according to Isserles’ ruling (ibid.), even betrothal would be permitted only after thirty days. TaZ raises the question why Isserles does not comment here as supra in par. 1. Nek. Hak. states that this is self-evident and does not necessitate a separate Gloss by Isserles. but he should not cohabit with her until after thirty days,14In accord with R. Papa in M.K. ibid. Cf. Sem. ibid. unless he has not [yet] complied with the duty of propagation, for [only] then is he permitted to cohabit with her after the seven [days of mourning].15Tur citing R. Tam. Thus also Asheri on the authority of RaBaD Also implied by Alfasi. Gloss: The same principle applies to other mourning, even to mourning for one's father and mother, [viz., that] he is permitted to marry and cohabit with her after the seven [days of mourning], [only] if he has not [yet] complied with the duty of propagation. Some say that even one who is wealthy and can afford to hire men and women servants [to attend to him], — yet, if his daughter or daughter-in-law are not present with him at his home so that [either of them] should be able to attend to him, [e.g.,] in the cleansing of his head or [in] other [private] matters, — for he feels embarrassed [when] others [do this for him], — [the law is that] he is regarded [as one who] has no one to attend to him, and [the same ruling applies to] everything similar to this.16Decisions of Isserlein s. 13 — G. And it is for this reason that the custom has spread that many people adopt a lenient view in [this matter, and take wives within [the period of] three Festivals, but a conscientious person should bethink himself [in doing this].17One who has a store or other business and cannot rely upon strangers, is also regarded as one who has no one to attend to him. [In the case of] one who was seized by the Governor, and [the latter] refuses to let him go from his detention until he takes a wife within [the period of] three Festivals after his [former] wife's death, some permit [him to remarry] on account of his suffering.18B.Yos. — G. And thus seems to me to be the fundamental principle.
מי שלא קיים מצות פריה ורביה ושידך אשה ואחר שהכין צרכי חופה מת אחי המשודכת מותר לכנסה ולבא עליה אחר שבעה: הגה וכן אם יש לו בנים קטנים ונתרצה לאחות אשתו מותר לכנסה כי היא מרחמת על בני אחותה יותר מאחרת (כ"כ בפי' הרא"ש והגהות מיימוני ומרדכי):
One who had not [yet] complied with the duty of propagation and had completed negotiations with a woman preliminary to betrothal,19e., he proposed to her and she accepted. and after he made the wedding preparations, the brother of the woman who was proposed to [by him], died, — [the law is that] he is permitted to wed her and to cohabit with her after the seven [days of mourning].20Tur citing case dealt with by R. Tam and Asheri in his decisions. Two conditions are required in order for him to be permitted to wed her according to the present ruling: a) If he has not yet complied with the duty of propagation; b) if postponed, a monetary loss will be sustained with respect to that which has been prepared for the wedding — TaZ, ShaK. supra § 342. Gloss: Similarly, if he has small children and he agreed [to marry] his wife's sister, he is permitted to wed her,21Forthwith, and he cohabits with her after thirty days, since he has already complied with the duty of propagation — TaZ, ShaK. M.K. 23a in the case where the wife of Joseph the Priest, died, and the latter said to her sister on the cemetery: ‘Go and take care of your sister’s children.’ for she shows mercy to her sister's children more than another [woman].22Asheri; Hag. Maim. and Mord. — G. This is permissible even if no monetary loss is sustained.