Myth: There is a “Shidduch Crisis”.

Truth: It’s heresy from shadchanim, rabbonim or singles who do not sincerely believe that our Creator is involved in making shidduchim. For instance, in Parshas Chayei Sarah, Avraham sends Eliezer to find a wife for his son Yitzchak.[1] Rivkah wins the candidacy to be Yitzchak’s wife.[2] Lavan and Besuel answered and said, “The matter stemmed from Hashem…” Rashi[3] explains, “That He prepared her for you.” Lavan and Besuel tell Eliezer to take Rachel and let her be a wife to your master’s son as Hashem has spoken.[4]

One needs to remember that Heaven decrees that this woman is to be the wife of this man.[5] In addition, Heaven pairs a woman to a man for marriage only in accordance with his deeds.[6] When do they pair a man with a woman according to their deeds? Forty days before the formation of an embryo…[7]

Rabbi Manis Friedman states the following:

“You’re not ‘looking,’ ‘checking out’ or trying to find a ‘special woman.’ Rather, you’re trying to find your wife, who you’re going to marry. A guy says to me, ‘I went out with this very nice and impressive girl.’ I asked him, ‘Are you getting married?’ He responded, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Why not?’ He says, ‘I’m not ready to settle.’ I said, ‘Why is that called settling? You just told me she was good.’ He told me, ‘But the next one I go out with could be better.’

If he has this mindset and gets married, he will have so much grief. Once you marry your wife, you don’t think you’ll never find or meet anyone BETTER? What are you kidding yourself? What type of nonsense is that? There are going to be women who are prettier, smarter and nicer than your wife or one’s who give you compliments that your wife doesn’t. The whole way of thinking is wrong.

When you’re thinking, “I’m looking for a great and perfect woman.” That’s anything but your wife. Your wife is already who she is.[8] You can’t remake her, like a Mr. Potato head: I want this kind of nose… she has a nose, what are you going to do, replace it? I want a tall; short… you can’t stretch or shrink her. She is who she is and when you meet her, you’ll marry her. Stop trying to build a wife – or a buildabear - in your mind.

The Gemara says, “There are three things that have the ability annul harsh decrees. They are: tefillah, teshuvah and tzedakah.”[9]

Rav Chaim Kanievsky says that tefillah helps a person find their soulmate sooner. However, there are twelve actions that put one’s tefillos on hold. The first one would be talking during tefillah. Rabbi Matisyahu Salomon notes that one who talks during tefillah weakens its power immeasurably.

As the Gemara[10] says, “There are things that stand in heights of the universe, but which people treat lightly.” An example of this is tefillah which rises up to Heaven.[11] [12] A few pages later, the Gemara[13] says that tefillah is one of the four activities which require strengthening. Rashi[14] explains, “A person should strengthen himself in this constantly with all his energy.”[15]

What’s the Gemara really trying to tell us? When it comes to tefillah or any spiritual matter[16] people tend to throw to the side. Therefore, it’s crucial that one familiarize himself with the halachos of tefillah. As the Chidah[17] says, “The only way a person will be saved from his yeitzer hara is through learning halacha.”

One might tell me, “I don’t talk during tefillah. Why isn’t Hashem answering me?”

The Chofeitz Chayim[18] explains tefillah in depth:

… It is not enough that one prays the Shemoneh Esrei prayer three times each day; several times daily he must pour out his requests in solitude, in his house, from the depths of his heart. The three regular prayers are so routine that one does not really concentrate during them[19] – which is not the case if each person would contemplate in solitude his own plight… then he would pour out his heart like water to Hashem. Such a prayer would emerge with very deep intent with a broken heart and with great humility. Such a prayer will certainly not go unanswered...!”[20]

The Medrash[21] says that one whose hands are soiled with robbery,[22] may call out to G-d, but He won’t answer him. If you detest the words of Torah, I, in turn, will not listen to your tefillos.[23] Among those whose tefillos are not accepted is someone who has many sins and doesn’t pray with teshuvah.[24] [25] If one gives bad advice[26] or spreads a bad name about someone else his prayers are not heard.[27] Someone who prays without cleanliness.[28] One who does not listen to rebuke.[29] If a person is not careful to avoid wearing a garment of sha’atnez[30] at the time of prayer, his prayer is not heard, even if he prays with the proper concentration. Delaying payment of a hired worker[31] [32] prevents prayer from being accepted. The Arizal would chock before Mincha if he had any wages to pay so that his prayer would not be prevented from ascending to Heaven.[33] In addition, how we speak greatly effects the outcome our tefillos.[34]

Regarding teshuvah, the Arizal[35] says that one will find their soulmate once they fix their actions and become worthy.[36]

Speaking of fixing one’s actions, “The prime purpose of man’s life is to constantly strive to break his bad traits. Otherwise, what is life for?”[37] All of G-d’s service depends on the improvement of one character.[38] Character traits are fundamental to the performance of mitzvos and to Torah principles.[39] Conversely, all sins stem from unimproved character traits.”[40] Elsewhere he says, “Most instances of good and misfortune in this world are dependent upon character traits.”[41]

How does one figure out what his negative traits are?

The Gemara[42] says, “He who is born on a Monday will be an angry man… He who is born on a Tuesday will be a wealthy man, and he will be a promiscuous man…[43]

How do we make sense of this Gemara?

Regarding anger, wealthy and promiscuity one who seeks to purify himself from his sin, Heaven will assist him and ultimately, he will gain the upper hand.[44] As the Medrash says, “Open for Me a tiny opening of teshuvah - return back to Me - and I will open for you openings through which wagons can pass.”[45]

Now, let’s dissect the Gemara:

• He who is born on a Monday will be an angry man… Therefore, one needs to work on becoming patient.[46]

• He who is born on a Tuesday will be a wealthy man, and he will be a promiscuous man. Therefore, one needs to work on humility and guarding his eyes (shemiras einayim).

If one wasn’t born on a Monday or a Tuesday, then how does he determine what he needs to rectify? Rav Tzadok HaKohein of Lublin tells us:

“In that area in which his yeitzer hara pulls him the most, he is a most fitting receptacle to become exceptionally pure and innocent. In that area where he has sinned many times, he can become totally cleansed and pure of heart.”[47]

The last thing the Gemara[48] mentioned that has the ability to annul harsh decrees is tzedakah.”

If one closes his ear to the outcry of a poor man, G-d will not answer when he calls out to Him with a bitter outcry,[49] as it says, “If one closes his ear to the cry of the poor, he too will call and not be answered.”[50]

Do you have a hard time getting along with your siblings? If the answer is yes, it’s perfectly normal. As the Medrash[51] says, “Kayin hated Hevel, Yishmael hated Yitzchak, Eisav hated Yaakov and the Shevatim hated Yoseif.” Perhaps this is indicated from the Gemara,[52] which states, “A man’s enemies are the people of his household.”

Still, strive to be nice to your family members.[53] For the Medrash[54] says, “A person who turns to those who are close to him - his neighbors, his relatives or his niece - and draws them closer is rewarded in kind… He [i.e. Hashem] responds to that person’s own needs...” As the Novi states, “Then you will call and Hashem will respond; you will cry (scream) out and He will say, ‘Heneini, Here I am!’”[55] [i.e. At your service!!!]

The Chasam Sofer[56] says, “When the Jews were crying out because of the burden of the Egyptian enslavement, each one heard the groans of the other and felt his pain. In reward for their empathy and caring,[57] Hashem also heard their cries and redeemed them from their plight.”

Rabbi Yissocher Frand says the following:[58]

“It is difficult to imagine that there is any frum family that does not have at least one single member in shidduchim. We are all in this problem together. The Gemara[59] states that a person who begs for mercy for his friend, and he needs mercy in the same area, he is answered first. Let us put that teaching to work. Don’t limit your tefillos to your own family members. Take down the names of some friends or some of your neighbors’ children, and daven for them too.”

Finally, when we are davening for shidduchim, let’s not forget to daven for Mashiach. What does Mashiach have to do with shidduchim?

In Eichah[60] we read, her maidens are afflicted, and she too is embittered.” At the time of the destruction of the Beis HaMikdosh,[61] the young maidens were afflicted. Why? The Targum explains that they were lamenting the fact that they were no longer able to go out and dance in the vineyards on the 15^th of Av and on Motzei Yom Kippur.[62]

Do you know how shidduchim were made in the times of the Beis HaMikdosh? On these two special days of the year – days that the Talmud[63] describes as the greatest Yamim Tovim of the year – the girls would borrow clothing from one another to make sure that each one had something special to wear, and, mind-boggling as this may seem, they would dance in the vine-yards, and the boys would choose their mates on those days.[64]

Could you imagine such a simple system? When they came of age, they would wait for Tu B’Av or Motzei Yom Kippur, and before long there was a mazel tov.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could go back to this simple system? Nowadays, it would never work. We are in gains (exile), and in galus nothing is simple. Life is full of crises and anguish. Sometimes we start to feel that things are great in golus – we have our glatt-kosher Delmonico steaks and our air-conditioning and our iPods and our beautiful houses. We don’t neglect spirituality either. We have yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs and kollelim and kiruv institutions. We begin to wonder what is missing. And sometimes Hashem has to remind us that galus is still galus.

The shidduchim crisis is just another reminder that we need Moshiach. As we wait for him, we need to mitigate the factors that are exacerbating the problem, and we need to daven.

If we come together as frum people to help all the unfortunate young men and women – and their families – who are suffering so much, it seems that Hashem would respond in kind and return us to a time when we will have a Beis HaMikdosh, and the word shidduchim will no longer be associated with the word crisis, but with the happiness and joy that prevailed on those two holy nights of the year.

If you don’t know of anyone who needs a shidduch, go to davenforme.org.

Once you receive a name of someone to daven for, go to partnersinshidduchim.com.

With Hashem’s help, in the merit of looking out for our fellow brethren, may He soon gather us out of the lands to which we were scattered[65] and bring us to the Land that our forefathers possessed![66]