Components of a Healthy Relationship
Love. Respect. Equality. Pride in each other. Communication. Friendship. Safety to be vulnerable. Healthy disagreements. Commitment. Comfort. Compatibility. Appreciation of difference. Listening. Openness to growth. Honesty. Compatible goals. Healthy boundaries. Laughter and humor. Healthy habits. Support. Encouragement. Empathy. Flexibility. Intimacy. Understanding. Trust. Admiration. Constructive criticism. Independence. Realistic expectations. Consensual sexual activity. Safety, physically and emotionally. Generosity. Similar values. Ability to compromise. Self-awareness. Giving and taking. Caring.
Definitions and Guiding Questions
What do we mean by Chesed?
Chesed is translated in the Torah alone as graciousness, kindness, goodness, loyalty, mercy, loving-kindness...the list goes on. These are all good things, but how does chesed relate to how we love ourselves and others?
What do we mean by G'milut Chasadim?
G'milut Chasadim is very often translated to mean acts of loving-kindness. It is used to describe everything from the work done by synagogue bikur holim committees [that visit the sick] to the service we do on Alternative Break trips. The dictionary meaning of the root g-m-l that is most supported by Talmudic usage is "reciprocal acts." We'll come back to that concept later.
Why are we talking about this? What does this have to do with Shmita?
Engagement Institute (and your Hillel) is all about relationship-building, and the theme for this year’s Beit Midrash gathering is inspired by the concept of Shmita. Commonly translated as the ‘Sabbatical Year,’ Shmita literally means release. Of biblical origin, this is the final year of a shared calendar cycle, when land is left fallow, debts are forgiven, and a host of other agricultural and economic adjustments are made to ensure the maintenance of an equitable, just, and healthy society. As we enter the Shmita year and think about finding equilibrium in our environment, how are we doing that for ourselves? How are we doing self-care, and planting the seeds for healthy relationships? Do you need one to have the other?
Self-Love and Self-Care
(18) Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.
- If we think poorly, negatively, or bitterly about ourselves, will that cause us to treat others as such?
- Can our ideal towards loving our neighbor help inspire us to love ourselves? Might this mitzvah be designed to go in both directions?
- Is it ever easier to love one's neighbor than oneself? Why or why not?
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר יָצַר אֶת
הָאָדָם בְּחָכְמָה וּבָרָא בוֹ נְקָבִים נְקָבִים חֲלוּלִים חֲלוּלִים
גָּלוּי וְיָדוּעַ לִפְנֵי כִסֵּא כְבוֹדֶךָ שֶׁאִם יִפָּתֵחַ אֶחָד מֵהֶם
אוֹ יִסָּתֵם אֶחָד מֵהֶם אִי אֶפְשַׁר לְהִתְקַיֵּם וְלַעֲמוֹד לְפָנֶיךָ
אֲפִילוּ שָׁעָה אֶחָת
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְהֹוָה רוֹפֵא כָל בָּשָׂר וּמַפְלִיא לַעֲשֹוֹת
Asher Yatzar
Blessed is God who has formed the human body in wisdom and created many orifices and cavities. It is obvious and known before You that if one of them were to be opened or closed incorrectly, it would be impossible to survive and stand before You at all. Blessed is God, who heals all flesh and does wonders.
- What does this blessing celebrate about the body? Is it chesed?
- What might it mean to say this blessing when you are not healthy, and perhaps does not have control over bodily functions? How might a person in such a situation adapt this blessing so that it becomes an act of chesed for oneself?
(יד) הוּא הָיָה אוֹמֵר, אִם אֵין אֲנִי לִי, מִי לִי. וּכְשֶׁאֲנִי לְעַצְמִי, מָה אֲנִי. וְאִם לֹא עַכְשָׁיו, אֵימָתָי:
(14) This was another favorite teaching of his: If I am not for me, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?
- What is important, if anything, about the order of Hillel's questions?
- Why do you think our organization is named after this teacher?
- Is "being for yourself" the same as offering chesed to one's self? Does it lay foundation for equitable relationships?
Release and Acceptance
From the Teachings of Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi, Founder of Chabad
...For the Mishna tells us, 'Don't be wicked before yourself', and furthermore if a person sees himself as wicked he will become saddened and unable to serve G-d with joy.
- What does 'Don't be wicked before yourself' mean in this context?
- Is it possible to be truly joyful if we don't fully love ourselves?
B'tzelem Elohim Healing Ceremony
We are all made B'tzelem Elohim, in the image of G-d.
You reflect G-d through your soul, through your mind, and through your body.
We honor today the body that holds, celebrates, and expresses the person who is you.
We honor your hands as they do the work of creation, your daily chores, and the work of your adventures. Your hands are a gift.
We honor your feet which carry you on this amazing journey of your life,
to places near and far,
through the intimacy of your home and to the ends of the earth.
Your feet are a gift.
We honor your head, wherein lie your thoughts, great and simple.
It is the keeper of your dreams. Your head is a gift.
We honor your belly, your gut, center of your passions,
locus of your strength, courage, and endurance.
Your belly is a gift.
We honor you and your body because you are a gift.
May you be blessed today and every day with the knowledge of your wholeness, your strength, and your beauty.
- This blessing asks us to honor, celebrate, and accept many parts of ourselves, and release any negative associations with these parts. Do any of these parts stand out to you as interesting, easy to honor, difficult to accept or release self-loathing for?
Honoring My Relationship With Myself: A Prayer for Being Single, Siddur Sha'ar Zahav, San Francisco, CA
O G-d and G-d of all people, as first You created one human being, female and male in Your image, so do I stand before You now, complete and whole. Fully engaged in your world, I open myself to You as did Miriam, for whom Torah names no spouse, who served You all the days of here life, wholly fulfilled. I come before You alone, like Elijah, who has traveled with our people since ancient times, blessing and watching over us. I am blessed and holy, sanctified and beloved. I am a singular witness and reflecting mirror of Your eternal Oneness.
- How does this prayer connect chesed to self-care?
- Do you think this prayer empowers single Jews to feel chesed for themselves? Why or why not?
- Does this prayer release Jews from potentially harmful communal norms? Are Jewish singles treated respectfully in Jewish communities?
Loving Yourself, Loving Another: Chesed, Reciprocation, and Release in Romantic Relationships
Mishnah Ketubot 61b, 62b
If a man forbade himself by vow to have intercourse with his wife, Shammai ruled: she must consent to the deprivation for two weeks. Hillel ruled: only for one week.
Students may go away to study the Torah, without the permission of their wives for a period of thirty days, Laborers only for one week.
The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independence, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for ass-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months. These are the rulings of Rabbi Eliezer.
- What does this text tell us about chesed, release, and maintaining a healthy romantic relationship?
Babylonian Talmud, Ketubot 72b
Rav Rahumi used to sit in front of Rava in Mehoza.
He used to come home every Yom Kippur eve.
One day a teaching attracted him.
His wife was waiting: Now he is coming, now he is coming.
He did not come.
Her mind weakened.
She dropped a single tear from her eye.
He was sitting on the roof;
The roof collapsed under him.
His soul rested (he died).
- What does this text teach us about building healthy romantic relationships?
- What is the significance of "Yom Kippur Eve" in this text, compared to the previous text?
- Do you find release, self-care, or love in this text? At what cost?
אסור לאדם שיכוף אשתו לדבר מצוה
כל הכופה אשתו לדבר מצוה הווין לו בנים שאינן מהוגנין
כל אשה שתובעת בעלה לדבר מצוה הווין לה בנים שאפילו בדורו של משה לא היו כמותן
Bavli Eruvin 100b
A man is forbidden to compel his wife to have marital relations...Rabbi Joshua ben Levi similarly stated: Whosoever compels his wife to have marital relations will have unworthy children....A woman who solicits her husband to have marital relations will have children the like of whom did not exist even in the generation of Moses.
- How does this text compare consent to chesed?
- Does this text imply that women have more power than men in heterosexual romantic relationships? Is that healthy?
Nachmanides, Iggeret HaKodesh Ch. 6, Conjugal Rights (13th century)
When you and your wife are engaged in sexual union, do not behave lightheartedly and regard this act as vain, idle, improper. Therefore, first introduce her into the mood with gentle words that excited her emotion, appease her mind and delight her with joy. Thus you unite your mind and intentions with hers. Say to her words which in part arouse her passions, closeness, love, will, and erotic desire, and in part evoke in her reverence for God, piety and modesty...
When sexual intercourse is done for the sake of heaven, there is nothing so holy and pure...God did not create anything that is ugly or shameful. If the sexual organs are said to be shameful, how can it be said that the Creator fashioned something blemished?
- How is this text illustrative of an loving, reciprocal relationship?
- This text compares consensual, romantic and erotic love to holiness, piety and modesty. Do you agree?What does "for the sake of heaven" mean here?