יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:
Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for thyself a teacher, and acquire for yourself a companion and judge all people with the scale weighted in their favor.
How often is it that we find ourselves ready to jump to conclusions, most often thinking the worst of others; ready to embrace the negative or to ascribe an evil or selfish intent upon the actions of others?
Heb דן לכף זכות dan lekaf zekhut literally means “Judge others according to a scale of merit,” Yiddish דן זײַן לכּף־זכות don zayn lekaf-zkhus 'to defend, judge favorably' or in more colloquial terms, “Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt.”
תנו רבנן הדן חבירו לכף זכות דנין אותו לזכות ומעשה באדם אחד שירד מגליל העליון ונשכר אצל בעל הבית אחד בדרום שלש שנים ערב יום הכפורים אמר לו תן לי שכרי ואלך ואזון את אשתי ובני אמר לו אין לי מעות אמר לו תן לי פירות אמר לו אין לי תן לי קרקע אין לי תן לי בהמה אין לי תן לי כרים וכסתות אין לי הפשיל כליו לאחוריו והלך לביתו בפחי נפש לאחר הרגל נטל בעל הבית שכרו בידו ועמו משוי שלשה חמורים אחד של מאכל ואחד של משתה ואחד של מיני מגדים והלך לו לביתו אחר שאכלו ושתו נתן לו שכרו אמר לו בשעה שאמרת לי תן לי שכרי ואמרתי אין לי מעות במה חשדתני אמרתי שמא פרקמטיא בזול נזדמנה לך ולקחת בהן ובשעה שאמרת לי תן לי בהמה ואמרתי אין לי בהמה במה חשדתני אמרתי שמא מושכרת ביד אחרים בשעה שאמרת לי תן לי קרקע ואמרתי לך אין לי קרקע במה חשדתני אמרתי שמא מוחכרת ביד אחרים היא ובשעה שאמרתי לך אין לי פירות במה חשדתני אמרתי שמא אינן מעושרות ובשעה שאמרתי לך אין לי כרים וכסתות במה חשדתני אמרתי שמא הקדיש כל נכסיו לשמים אמר ליה העבודה כך היה הדרתי כל נכסי בשביל הורקנוס בני שלא עסק בתורה וכשבאתי אצל חבירי בדרום התירו לי כל נדרי ואתה כשם שדנתני לזכות המקום ידין אותך לזכות
The Sages taught in a baraita: One who judges another favorably is himself judged favorably.
And there was an incident involving a certain person who descended from the Upper Galilee and was hired to work for a certain homeowner in the South for three years.
On the eve of the Day of Atonement, he said to the homeowner: Give me my wages, and I will go and feed my wife and children.
The homeowner said to him: I have no money.
He said to him: In that case, give me my wages in the form of produce.
He said to him: I have none.
The worker said to him: Give me my wages in the form of land.
The homeowner said to him: I have none.
The worker said to him: Give me my wages in the form of animals.
He said to him: I have none.
The worker said to him: Give me cushions and blankets.
He said to him: I have none.
The worker slung his tools over his shoulder behind him and went to his home in anguish.
After the festival of Sukkot, the homeowner took the worker’s wages in his hand, along with a burden that required three donkeys, one laden with food, one laden with drink, and one laden with types of sweets, and went to the worker’s home. After they ate and drank, the homeowner gave him his wages.
The homeowner said to him: When you said to me: Give me my wages, and I said: I have no money, of what did you suspect me? Why did you not suspect me of trying to avoid paying you?
The worker answered, I said: Perhaps the opportunity to purchase merchandise [perakmatya] inexpensively presented itself, and you purchased it with the money that you owed me, and therefore you had no money available.
The homeowner asked: And when you said to me: Give me animals, and I said: I have no animals, of what did you suspect me?
The worker answered: I said: Perhaps the animals are hired to others.
The homeowner asked: When you said to me: Give me land, and I said: I have no land, of what did you suspect me?
The worker answered: I said: Perhaps the land is leased to others, and you cannot take the land from the lessees.
The homeowner asked: And when you said to me: Give me produce, and I said: I have no produce, of what did you suspect me?
The worker answered: I said: Perhaps they are not tithed, and that was why you could not give them to me.
The homeowner asked: And when I said: I have no cushions or blankets, of what did you suspect me?
The worker answered: I said: Perhaps he consecrated all his property to Heaven and therefore has nothing available at present.
The homeowner said to him: I swear by the Temple service that it was so...
And when I came to my fellow residents in the South, the Sages of that generation, they dissolved all my vows. At that point, the homeowner had immediately gone to pay his worker.
Now the homeowner said: And you, just as you judged favorably, so may God judge you favorably.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. How would you have felt if you were the worker (before the boss showed up with the goodies)?
2. How do you think the worker was able to have such a positive outlook on such a difficult situation?
3. What is the message/ takeaway from this story?
4. Have you ever had a situation like this (where you came up with a good interpretation of the event, and it turned out you were right)?
Aside from the reward mentioned above, where God will judge YOU favorably if you judge OTHER people favorably, people who make a habit of judging others favorably are focused on seeing the good in others.
Yeshaya Elazar from Chizuk Shaya Blog
What is the fundamental character trait that allows someone to judge others favorably? It is the ability and willingness of an individual to look beyond the superficial externalities of another person’s conduct, and attempt to understand the essence of what is going on. That is, I withhold judgment of superficial appearances until I can ascertain the true facts.
לֹא־תַעֲשׂ֥וּ עָ֙וֶל֙ בַּמִּשְׁפָּ֔ט לֹא־תִשָּׂ֣א פְנֵי־דָ֔ל וְלֹ֥א תֶהְדַּ֖ר פְּנֵ֣י גָד֑וֹל בְּצֶ֖דֶק תִּשְׁפֹּ֥ט עֲמִיתֶֽךָ׃
You shall not render an unfair decision: do not favor the poor or show deference to the rich; judge your kinsman fairly.
מתני׳ שבועת העדות נוהגת באנשים ולא בנשים ברחוקין ולא בקרובין בכשרין ולא בפסולין ואינה נוהגת אלא בראוין להעיד
בפני בית דין ושלא בפני ב"ד מפי עצמו ומפי אחרים אין חייבין עד שיכפרו בהן בב"ד דברי ר' מאיר וחכמים אומרים בין מפי עצמו ובין מפי אחרים אינן חייבין עד שיכפרו בהן בב"ד
וחייבין על זדון השבועה ועל שגגתה עם זדון העדות ואינן חייבין על שגגתה ומה הן חייבין על זדון השבועה קרבן עולה ויורד:
גמ׳ מנהני מילי דת"ר (דברים יט, יז) ועמדו שני האנשים בעדים הכתוב מדבר
אתה אומר בעדים או אינו אלא בבעלי דינין כשהוא אומר (דברים יט, יז) אשר להם הריב הרי בעלי דינין אמור הא מה אני מקיים ועמדו שני האנשים בעדים הכתוב מדבר ואם נפשך לומר נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן (דברים יט, יז) שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
מאי אם נפשך לומר וכי תימא מדלא כתב ואשר להם הריב כוליה קרא בבעלי דינין משתעי נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
תניא אידך ועמדו שני האנשים בעדים הכתוב מדבר אתה אומר בעדים או אינו אלא בבעלי דינין אמרת וכי שנים באים לדין שלשה אין באין לדין ואם נפשך לומר נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
מאי אם נפשך לומר וכי תימא בתובע ונתבע קא משתעי קרא נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
תניא אידך ועמדו שני האנשים בעדים הכתוב מדבר אתה אומר בעדים או אינו אלא בבעלי דינין אמרת וכי אנשים באין לדין נשים אין באות לדין ואם נפשך לומר נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
מאי אם נפשך לומר וכי תימא אשה לאו אורחה משום (תהלים מה, יד) כל כבודה בת מלך פנימה נאמר כאן שני ונאמר להלן שני מה להלן בעדים אף כאן בעדים
ת"ר ועמדו שני האנשים מצוה לבעלי דינין שיעמדו אמר ר' יהודה שמעתי שאם רצו להושיב את שניהם מושיבין איזהו אסור שלא יהא אחד עומד ואחד יושב אחד מדבר כל צרכו ואחד אומר לו קצר דבריך
ת"ר (ויקרא יט, טו) בצדק תשפוט עמיתך שלא יהא אחד יושב ואחד עומד אחד מדבר כל צרכו ואחד אומר לו קצר דבריך ד"א בצדק תשפוט עמיתך הוי דן את חבירך לכף זכות
תני רב יוסף בצדק תשפוט עמיתך עם שאתך בתורה ובמצות השתדל לדונו יפה
רב עולא בריה דרב עילאי הוה ליה דינא קמיה דרב נחמן שלח ליה רב יוסף עולא חברנו עמית בתורה ובמצות אמר למאי שלח לי לחנופי ליה הדר אמר למישרא בתיגריה
GEMARA:
The Sages taught: “But in righteousness shall you judge your colleague,” that you should judge another favorably, and seek to find justification for his actions, even if when interpreted differently his actions could be judged unfavorably.
Rav Yosef teaches that from the verse: “But in righteousness shall you judge your colleague [amitekha],” it is derived: With regard to one who is with you [im she’itekha] in observance of Torah and in fulfillment of mitzvot, try to judge him favorably, in the manner that the Gemara will now explain.
The Gemara relates: Rav Ulla, son of Rav Ilai, had a trial pending before Rav Naḥman. Rav Yosef sent a message to Rav Naḥman: Ulla our friend is a colleague in Torah and mitzvot, with regard to whom the verse states that you should judge him favorably. Rav Naḥman said: For what purpose did he send this message to me? Does he expect me to grant him preferential treatment? Every judgment must be undertaken with righteousness. Rav Naḥman then said: Rav Yosef sent me the message to ensure I would open with Rav Ulla’s dispute in the event that other cases come before me for judgment, in deference to the Torah because he is a Torah scholar.
ת"ר (ויקרא יט, טו) בצדק תשפוט עמיתך שלא יהא אחד יושב ואחד עומד אחד מדבר כל צרכו ואחד אומר לו קצר דבריך ד"א בצדק תשפוט עמיתך הוי דן את חבירך לכף זכות
The Sages taught: The verse states: “But in righteousness shall you judge your colleague” (Leviticus 19:15), from which it is derived: The court must ensure that there will not be a situation where one litigant is sitting and one litigant is standing, or a situation where one litigant says everything that he needs to say to present his case and one litigant, the judge says to him: Curtail your statement. Alternatively, it is derived from the verse: “But in righteousness shall you judge your colleague,” that you should judge another favorably, and seek to find justification for his actions, even if when interpreted differently his actions could be judged unfavorably.
וְלִפְעָמִים עוֹבֵר נַמֵי (ג) בְּמִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה דִּ''בְצֶדֶק תִּשְׁפֹּט עֲמִיתֶךָ''. כְּגוֹן שֶׁרָאָה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁדִּבֵּר אוֹ עָשָׂה מַעֲשֶׂה, וְיֵשׁ בַּדָּבָר הַזֶּה לְשָׁפְטוֹ לְצַד הַטוֹב וּלְצַד הַזְּכוּת אוֹ לְהֶפְכוֹ, אֲפִלּוּ אִם הוּא אִישׁ בֵּינוֹנִי, נִתְחַיַּבְנוּ מִן הַתּוֹרָה בְּמִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה הַזּוֹ לָדוּן אוֹתוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת. (וְאִם הָאִישׁ הַהוּא יְרֵא אֱלֹקִים, נִתְחַיַּבְנוּ לָדוּן אוֹתוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת, גַּם כִּי קָרוֹב וְנוֹטֶה יוֹתֵר הַדָּבָר לְכַף חוֹבָה מִלְּכַף זְכוּת) וּמִי שֶׁהוֹלֵךְ וּמְסַפֵּר בִּגְנוּתוֹ עֲבוּר הַדִּבּוּר הַזֶּה שֶׁדִּבֵּר אוֹ הַמַעֲשֶׂה הַזֶּה שֶׁעָשָׂה, אוֹ הַמְקַבֵּל, שֶׁנִּתְחַזֵּק אֶצְלוֹ לִגְנוּת, עֲבוּר זֶה שֶׁשָּׁמַע עָלָיו, וְלֹא דָּן אוֹתוֹ לְכַף זְכוּת, עוֹבֵר בְּמִצְוַת עֲשֵׂה זוֹ.
(3) And sometimes he also transgresses (Vayikra 19:15): "In righteousness shall you judge your neighbor." For example, if one sees his friend saying something or doing something, which may be perceived as righteous and meritorious or as the reverse, even if he [his friend] is a mediocre person, we are obligated by the Torah in this positive commandment to judge him in the scales of merit. (And if that man is G–d-fearing, we are obligated to judge him in the scales of merit even if they incline more to guilt than to merit.) And one who goes and speaks demeaningly of him because of this thing that he said or that he did, or the receiver [of these words], who perceives him negatively because of what he has heard about him, and does not judge him in the scales of merit, transgresses this positive commandment.
והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות. על כל שתשמע עליו אמור שנתכוון לטובה עד שתדע בבירור שאינו כן שאם אתה תדין כן ידונו אותך מן השמים לזכות כמו שמפורש בפ' מפנין:
(1) ...And judge every person as meritorious. On everything that you hear about a person, say that they intended for good, until you know with certainty that it is not so. If you judge thus, they will judge you from heaven as meritorious, as is explained in the 18th chapter of Masechet Shabbat ("Perek Mefanin").
. ועוד יש בכלל מצוה זו, שראוי לכל אדם לדון את חברו לכף זכות ולא יפרש מעשיו ודבריו אלא לטוב.
The commandment to judge your fellow man justly: And also included in this commandment is that it is proper for every person to judge his fellow favorably, and only to understand his deeds and his words for the good.
Excerpt from 'The Other Side of the Story: Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt- Stories and Strategies' by Yehudis Samet, pages 35-36
Judging favorably is an aspect of humility. It is an admission that our perception is limited, and a decision not to allow this limited understanding to trick us into hasty conclusions. Judging favorably means realizing that the other person has his reasons, even if we may disagree with them. It is knowing that it is just as important to go into the depths of another person's claim as our own.
Judging favorably means imagining untold stories.
Finding merit, discovering a zechus, is like finding the missing piece of the puzzle. Suddenly the picture becomes clear.
Giving the benefit of the doubt means recognizing that there might be another side to the story. Then we begin our search as we attempt to acquit the "suspect" or at least reduce his sentence, so that he becomes, again, a person of good standing in our eyes.
WHAT IS IT NOT? (excerpt from 'The Other Side of the Story' continued)
Judging favorably does not mean looking positively at a negative situation that should be changed.
Judging favorably does not mean whitewashing wrong actions.
If someone is throwing stones at you, you need not say, as you find yourself being pelted "Maybe he's doing it for some good reason and I should judge him favorably." If you can change the situation or protect yourself, of course you should. If someone is hurling insults, try to get him to stop. If there is a situation- whether intolerable or just plain annoying- which might be improved, go ahead and improve it.
(ד) . הִלֵּל אוֹמֵר, וְאַל תָּדִין אֶת חֲבֵרְךָ עַד שֶׁתַּגִּיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ
(4) Hillel said: Do not judge your friend until you have reached his place.
Famous proverb-
“Don’t judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes”
Derech Emunah Umaaseh Rav, Warsaw, 1898, p.59
Said the BESHT (Baal Shem Tov): "From the biblical commandment to love your fellow person as yourself [V'ahavta le'rayachah kamocha], we learn the Talmudic virtue to judge your fellow person on the scale of merit [Dan L'Chaf Zechut]. Since you always find excuses for your own misdeeds, make excuses for your fellow person.
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER
1. Do you find it easier or harder to judge others favorably?
2. Have you ever been in a situation where someone gave you the benefit of the doubt? How did it make you feel?
3. Have you ever been in a situation where someone DIDN'T give you the benefit of the doubt? How did it make you feel?
4. What do you think the impact of judging other people favorably is on THEM (if there is one)?
5. What do you think the impact of judging other people favorably is on YOU (if there is one)?
6. Can you think of a possible situation where someone might need to judge someone favorably? What would it be?
But how?
Respond generously
Check yourself
See the whole person
Lashon Ha-Tov
Treat yourself kindly
https://everydaypower.com/give-the-benefit-of-the-doubt/
Make your own decisions (don't let someone else decide for you).
Assume Positive Intent Assuming positive intent re-frames our perception from looking for only behaviors that could be considered as advantage-taking into speculating that behind every behavior is a good intention. With this new mode of thinking, you switch from a default though of “I can’t believe John is asking me to pick him up again, he must think I’m a sucker” into asking yourself “what’s another possibility that John is behaving like this?”
Keep a gratitude journal if we insist on finding the little things to be grateful for, we can gradually change how we see the world. We develop a habit of seeing the good in life. By keeping a gratitude journal, we learn to default to “thankful” mode, rather than a mode that thinks that the world is a never ending trial of our patience.
Draw your own boundaries people respect those who clearly communicate their boundaries, and both parties end up being happier in the long run. If you never set boundaries, those who are crossing them never know you’ve become upset.