Sacred Spaces #4 : The Bedroom

O LORD, turn! Rescue me! Deliver me as befits Your faithfulness.

For there is no praise of You among the dead; in Sheol, who can acclaim You?

I am weary with groaning; every night I אַשְׂחֶ֣ה my bed, I melt my couch in tears.

I am weary with my groaning; Every night make I my bed to swim; I melt my couch with my tears. – For I groan and am anxious on account of my sickness and weep until I make my bed swim every night, because at night the sickness is grievous, and a man laments and weeps on account of his sickness. Or he weeps at night because the household is asleep and no one sees him. And lo ! he is weary with groaning and with weeping.

Rav Yehuda says that Rav says: Even during the time of his illness King David fulfilled the mitzva of conjugal rights for eighteen wives, as it is stated: “I am weary with my groaning; every night I speak in my bed; I melt away my couch with tears” (Psalms 6:7). Even when he was weary he still spoke in his bed, a euphemism for sexual intercourse.

And Rabbeinu z"l said that it is very good even just to sit in a special private room. The atmosphere itself is beneficial, even if you sit there and do nothing else. Even if you do not have a special room, you can still seclude yourself and converse with God. The Rebbe also said that you can create your own special room under your tallit. Just drape your tallit over your eyes and converse with God as you desire. You can also seclude yourself with God in bed under the covers. This was the custom of King David, as it is written, 'Each night I converse from my bed' (Psalms 6:7). You can also converse with God while sitting before an open book. Let others think that you are studying. There are many other ways to accomplish this if you truly want to meditate and express your thoughts to God. Above all else, this is the root and foundation of holiness and repentance. We have discussed this many times. There are many ways of doing this, but best of all is a secluded room.

When you are alone by yourself, when you are awake on your couch, be careful to meditate in such precious moments on nothing but the intellectual worship of God...

This I consider as the highest perfection wise people can attain by spiritual training.

There are five matters in our world which are one-sixtieth of their most extreme manifestations. They are: Fire, honey, Shabbat, sleep, and a dream. The Gemara elaborates: Our fire is one-sixtieth of the fire of Gehenna; honey is one-sixtieth of manna; Shabbat is one-sixtieth of the World-to-Come; sleep is one-sixtieth of death; and a dream is one-sixtieth of prophecy.

Similarly: Six matters are good omens for the sick: Sneezing, sweating, diarrhea, a seminal emission, sleep, and a dream.

When about to retire to rest for the night, one recites the blessing, "Blessed art Thou, O Lord, our God, king of the Universe, who causest the bands of sleep to fall upon my eyes and givest light to the pupil of the eye. May it be Thy will, O Lord my God, to deliver me from the evil inclination and from mishap. Let not evil dreams nor evil imaginations trouble me. May my rest be perfect before Thee. Cause me to rise from it to life and to peace, and lighten mine eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death. Blessed art Thou, O Lord, who givest light to the whole world in Thy glory."

When one has a dream and is anxious about it, one can rectify the dream in front of three people who care about him. He can say to them: "I had a good dream" and they say to him "it was a good dream, and good it will be," etc.

Rav Kahana entered and lay beneath Rav’s bed. He heard Rav chatting and laughing with his wife, and seeing to his needs, i.e., having relations with her. Rav Kahana said to Rav: The mouth of Abba, Rav, is like one whom has never eaten a cooked dish. Rav said to him: Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is an undesirable mode of behavior. Rav Kahana said to him: It is Torah, and I must learn.

​​​​​​​Students may leave their homes and travel in order to learn Torah without their wives’ permission for up to thirty days, and laborers may leave their homes without their wives’ permission for up to one week. The set interval defining the frequency of a husband’s conjugal obligation to his wife stated in the Torah: Men of leisure, every day, laborers twice a week, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers once every thirty days, and sailors once every six months. This is the statement of Rabbi Eliezer.

6. Nobody is allowed to 'use the bed', have sexual relations, if there is anybody else awake around. If there is a baby who can't yet speak, it is permitted. If there is a Torah scroll, one needs to cover it up.

7. One should not have sexual relations at the beginning of the night, nor at its end, so that one does not hear other people and start thinking about another woman. Rather the middle of the night is the correct time.

10. There must be no anger. If a man was angry, he must make peace before engaging in sex. He should speak to her before in order to appease her.

11. One is forbidden to have sex when there is the light of the candle, even if the light is covered by a robe. It is also forbidden to engage in sexual relations during the day, unless in a dark house. RAMA: But a wise scholar can cover the light by a robe, and this is permitted.

12. It is forbidden to 'use the bed' during a famine, unless they have no children. RAMA: This is true too with other disasters similar to famine.

16. One who 'uses the bed' that a child is sleeping on - that child will suffer if they are less than a year old, next to the feet, and the father doesn't place his hand on the baby.

17. A bed which is used for sexual relations should be in a north-south axis.