Foundations of Intimacy
וברותי מכם המורדים והפושעים בי אמר רבי לוי אלו בני תשע מדות בני אסנ"ת משגע"ח בני אימה בני אנוסה בני שנואה בני נידוי בני תמורה בני מריבה בני שכרות בני גרושת הלב בני ערבוביא בני חצופה
The verse states: “And I will purge out from among you the rebels, and those that transgress against Me” (Ezekiel 20:38). Rabbi Levi said: These are children of those who have nine traits, who are defective from their conception and from whom rebels and transgressors emerge. The mnemonic for these nine traits is children of the acronym aleph, samekh, nun, tav, mem, shin, gimmel, ayin, ḥet. The children of nine traits are as follows: Children of fear [eima], i.e., where the wife was afraid of her husband and engaged in sexual intercourse with him out of fear; children of a woman who was raped [anusa]; children of a hated woman [senua], i.e., a woman who was hated by her husband; children of ostracism [niddui], i.e., one of the parents was ostracized by the court; children of substitution [temura], i.e., while engaging in intercourse with the woman, the man thought that she was another woman; children of strife [meriva], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were quarreling; children of drunkenness [shikhrut], i.e., the parents engaged in intercourse while they were drunk; children of a woman who was divorced in the heart [gerushat halev], i.e., the husband had already decided to divorce her when they engaged in intercourse; children of mixture [irbuveya], i.e., the man did not know with which woman he was engaging in intercourse; children of a shameless woman [ḥatzufa] who demands of her husband that he engage in intercourse with her.
אמר רב ברונא אמר רב כל הישן בקילעא שאיש ואשתו שרויין בה עליו הכתוב אומר נשי עמי תגרשון מבית תענוגיה ואמר רב יוסף אפילו באשתו נדה
With regard to the neglect of the commandment of procreation, Rav Beruna said that Rav said: Whoever sleeps in a chamber in which a husband and wife are resting, thus thwarting their intimacy, the verse says about him: “The women of my people you cast out from their pleasant houses” (Micah 2:9), and his punishment is detailed in that chapter. And Rav Yosef said: This applies not only to a woman who is ritually pure and permitted to her husband, but even in the case of a man whose wife is menstruating, for even then, although she is prohibited to him, they are more comfortable being alone together.
אמר ריב"ל כל היודע באשתו שהיא יראת שמים ואינו פוקדה נקרא חוטא שנאמר וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו' ואמר ריב"ל חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו בשעה שהוא יוצא לדרך שנא' וידעת כי שלום אהלך וגו' הא מהכא נפקא מהתם נפקא ואל אישך תשוקתך מלמד שהאשה משתוקקת על בעלה בשעה שהוא יוצא לדרך א"ר יוסף לא נצרכה אלא סמוך לווסתה
On the same verse, Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Whoever knows that his wife fears Heaven and she desires him, and he does not visit her, i.e., have intercourse with her, is called a sinner, as it is stated: And you shall know that your tent is in peace; and you shall visit your habitation. And Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: A man is obligated to visit his wife for the purpose of having intercourse when he is about to depart on a journey, as it is stated: “And you shall know that your tent is in peace, etc.” The Gemara asks: Is this last statement derived from here? It is derived from there: “And your desire shall be to your husband” (Genesis 3:16), which teaches that a wife desires her husband when he is about to depart on a journey. Rav Yosef said: The additional derivation cited by Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi is necessary only near the time of her set pattern, i.e., when she expects to begin experiencing menstrual bleeding. Although the Sages generally prohibited intercourse at this time due to a concern that the couple might have intercourse after she begins bleeding, if he is about to depart on a journey he must have intercourse with her.
(ד) אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁאִשְׁתּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם מֻתֶּרֶת לוֹ תָּמִיד. רָאוּי לוֹ לְתַלְמִיד חָכָם שֶׁיַּנְהִיג עַצְמוֹ בִּקְדֻשָּׁה וְלֹא יְהֵא מָצוּי אֵצֶל אִשְׁתּוֹ כְּתַרְנְגוֹל אֶלָּא מִלֵּילֵי שַׁבָּת לְלֵילֵי שַׁבָּת אִם יֵשׁ בּוֹ כֹּחַ. וּכְשֶׁהוּא מְסַפֵּר עִמָּהּ לֹא יְסַפֵּר בִּתְחִלַּת הַלַּיְלָה כְּשֶׁהוּא שָׂבֵעַ וּבִטְנוֹ מָלֵא. וְלֹא בְּסוֹף הַלַּיְלָה כְּשֶׁהוּא רָעֵב. אֶלָּא בְּאֶמְצַע הַלַּיְלָה כְּשֶׁיִּתְעַכֵּל הַמָּזוֹן שֶׁבְּמֵעָיו. וְלֹא יָקֵל בְּרֹאשׁוֹ בְּיוֹתֵר וְלֹא יְנַבֵּל אֶת פִּיו בְּדִבְרֵי הֲבַאי וַאֲפִלּוּ בֵּינוֹ לְבֵינָהּ. הֲרֵי הוּא אוֹמֵר בְּקַבָּלָה מַגִּיד לְאָדָם מַה שֵּׂחוֹ. אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים אֲפִלּוּ שִׂיחָה קַלָּה שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לְאִשְׁתּוֹ עָתִיד לִתֵּן עָלֶיהָ אֶת הַדִּין. וְלֹא יִהְיוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם לֹא שִׁכּוֹרִים וְלֹא עַצְלָנִים וְלֹא עַצְבָּנִים, וְלֹא אֶחָד מֵהֶן. וְלֹא תִּהְיֶה יְשֵׁנָה. וְלֹא יֶאֱנֹס אוֹתָהּ וְהִיא אֵינָהּ רוֹצָה אֶלָּא בִּרְצוֹן שְׁנֵיהֶם וּבְשִׂמְחָתָם. יְסַפֵּר וְיִשְׂחַק מְעַט עִמָּהּ כְּדֵי שֶׁתִּתְיַשֵּׁב נַפְשָׁהּ וְיִבְעל בְּבוּשָׁה וְלֹא בְּעַזּוּת וְיִפְרשׁ מִיָּד:
(4) Though one's wife is ever lawful to him, it is proper that a disciple of the wise should demean himself with sanctity, and not be like a rooster;6Berakot, 22a. G. a Sabbath to Sabbath visitation,7Ketubot, 62. C. if there be no physical reason to the contrary, not in the beginning of the night8Nedarim, 20; Niddah, 16. C. G. when in a state of satiety, nor at the end of the night when hungry, but about midnight after the food in his bowels be digested, unaccompanied by either exceeding boisterousness or profanity of mouth with vain words, even between themselves. Behold, it is traditionally said that the Verse, "And he declareth unto man what his language is" (Amos. 4.13), the sages interpreted: "Even on account of indecent conversation a man carries on with his own wife, he will have to render an accounting" (Hegigah. 5b). Both of them shall not be intoxicated, nor sluggish, nor in mourning; nor either of them in such state; nor when she be asleep, nor by overpowering her contrary mood; but with the consent and happy mood of both, with few pleasant and light-hearted words to please her being, stilling his urge diffidently and not impudently and dissociate immediately.
(ה) כִּֽי־יִקַּ֥ח אִישׁ֙ אִשָּׁ֣ה חֲדָשָׁ֔ה לֹ֤א יֵצֵא֙ בַּצָּבָ֔א וְלֹא־יַעֲבֹ֥ר עָלָ֖יו לְכָל־דָּבָ֑ר נָקִ֞י יִהְיֶ֤ה לְבֵיתוֹ֙ שָׁנָ֣ה אֶחָ֔ת וְשִׂמַּ֖ח אֶת־אִשְׁתּ֥וֹ אֲשֶׁר־לָקָֽח׃ (ס)
(5) When a man has taken a bride, he shall not go out with the army or be assigned to it for any purpose; he shall be exempt one year for the sake of his household, to give happiness to the woman he has married.
(טז) אֶֽל־הָאִשָּׁ֣ה אָמַ֗ר הַרְבָּ֤ה אַרְבֶּה֙ עִצְּבוֹנֵ֣ךְ וְהֵֽרֹנֵ֔ךְ בְּעֶ֖צֶב תֵּֽלְדִ֣י בָנִ֑ים וְאֶל־אִישֵׁךְ֙ תְּשׁ֣וּקָתֵ֔ךְ וְה֖וּא יִמְשָׁל־בָּֽךְ׃ (ס)
(16) And to the woman He said, “I will make most severe Your pangs in childbearing; In pain shall you bear children. Yet your urge shall be for your husband..."
אמר רב שמואל בר אוניא משמיה דרב אשה גולם היא ואינה כורתת ברית אלא למי שעשאה כלי שנאמר (ישעיהו נד, ה) כי בועליך עושיך יי צבאות שמו
Rav Shmuel bar Unya says in the name of Rav: A woman is raw material, like a vessel that has not been completed, and makes a covenant, becoming truly connected, only to the one who made her a vessel through her first act of sexual intercourse, as it is stated: “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name” (Isaiah 54:5).
והא איכא שמחת עונה
The Gemara raises another question: Nevertheless, there is the mitzva of the enjoyment of conjugal rights. One of a husband’s marital obligations is to engage in sexual intercourse with his wife at regular intervals (see Exodus 21:10), and this is considered a mitzva. The Gemara answers that we are talking about a case where it is not the time of her conjugal rights.