Journeys into Grief

And Rabbi Chama the son of Rabbi Chanina said, "What is the meaning of the verse, 'After the Eternal, your God, shall you walk (Deut. 13:5)'? Is it possible for one to walk after the the Divine Presence? And isn't it already stated, 'For Eternal your God is a consuming fire (Deut. 4:24)'? Rather it means, to follow the middot/character traits of the Holy Blessed One... The Holy Blessed One comforted mourners, as it is written, 'After the death of Abraham, God blessed his son Isaac (Gen. 25:11);' so too you shall comfort mourners... The Holy Blessed One buried the dead, as it is written, 'And God buried him [Moses] in the valley (Deut. 34:6);' so too, you shall bury the dead."

Rabbi Shimon the son of Elazar says: ...Do not comfort them when their dead lie before them...

From when does the period of mourning begin? From when the dead is buried and the filling of the grave with earth is finished, immediately the period of mourning begins...

The comforters are not permitted to begin a conversation [with mourners], until the mourner begins [lit.opens] first.

Our Rabbis taught: during the first week a mourner does not go out of the door of his house; the second week he goes out but does not sit in his usual place [in the synagogue]; the third week he sits in his usual place but does not speak; the fourth week he is like any other person. Rabbi Yehudah says: There was no need to say ‘In the first week he does not go out of the door of his house’, as then everybody comes into his house to comfort him; what it should rather say is that the second week she does not go out of the door of her house; the third week she goes out but does not sit in his usual place; the fourth week she sits in her place but does not speak; in the fifth week she is like any other person.

The rabbis teach: In the first three days of mourning, it is forbidden to inquire of a mourner's peace (i.e., ask "how are you doing?"). From the third to seventh day, one can respond but not ask, and from then onward you may ask and respond in the normal way.

One who meets another mourner within twelve months (the first year of mourning) offers him [words of] consolation, but does not inquire about his peace; after 12 months, he inquires about his peace and does not offer him consolation, but may refer to his sorrow indirectly ["talk from the side"]. Rabbi Meir said: If one meets another mourner after twelve months and offers him then words of consolation, what is this like? Like the case of a man whose broken leg had healed, when a doctor met him and said to him, Come to me and let me break it and set it again, to convince you that my treatments are good!

A mourner does not conduct himself as one in mourning during a festival, as it is said in the Torah [Deut. 16:14]: "And you shalt rejoice on your holiday" (v'samachta b'chagecha). If her mourning began before the festival, the positive precept incumbent on the community ("aseh d'rabim") overrides the one incumbent on him as an individual; and if his mourning began just then [during the festival], an individual's precept cannot override that of the public.

The Sages taught: One reroutes the funeral procession for burial of a corpse to yield before the wedding procession of a bride. And both this, the funeral procession, and that, the wedding procession, yield before a king of Israel. They said about King Agrippas that although he was not required to do so, he rerouted his entourage before the wedding procession of a bride, and the Sages praised him for doing so.

The Sages taught: One also suspends the study of Torah to attend the removal of a corpse for burial and to attend the entry of a bride into the wedding canopy. The Sages said about Rabbi Yehuda, son of Rabbi Elai, that he would suspend the study of Torah to attend the removal of a corpse for burial and to attend the entry of a bride into the wedding canopy. In what case is this statement said? In a case where there are not enough people with him, (accompanying the corpse) to satisfy all his needs, (to appropriately honor him). However, if there are enough people with him to satisfy all his needs, one does not suspend Torah study.

The Gemara relates that Rabbi Elazar, another of Rabbi Yoḥanan’s students, fell ill. Rabbi Yoḥanan entered to visit him, and saw that he was lying in a dark room. Rabbi Yoḥanan exposed his arm, and light radiated from his flesh, filling the house. He saw that Rabbi Elazar was crying, and said to him: Why are you crying? Thinking that his crying was over the suffering that he endured throughout his life, Rabbi Yoḥanan attempted to comfort him: If you are weeping because you did not study as much Torah as you would have liked, we learned: One who brings a substantial sacrifice and one who brings a meager sacrifice have equal merit, as long as he directs his heart toward Heaven. If you are weeping because you lack sustenance and are unable to earn a livelihood, as Rabbi Elazar was, indeed, quite poor, not every person merits to eat off of two tables, one of wealth and one of Torah, so you need not bemoan the fact that you are not wealthy. If you are crying over children who have died, this is the bone of my tenth son, and suffering of that kind afflicts great people, and they are afflictions of love.

Rabbi Elazar said to Rabbi Yoḥanan: I am not crying over my misfortune, but rather, over this beauty of yours that will decompose in the earth, as Rabbi Yoḥanan’s beauty caused him to consider human mortality. Rabbi Yoḥanan said to him: Over this, it is certainly appropriate to weep. Both cried over the fleeting nature of beauty in the world and death that eventually overcomes all. Meanwhile, Rabbi Yoḥanan said to him: Is your suffering dear to you? Rabbi Elazar said to him: I welcome neither this suffering nor its reward. Upon hearing this, Rabbi Yoḥanan said to him: Give me your hand. Rabbi Elazar gave him his hand, and Rabbi Yoḥanan stood him up and restored him to health.