Can one care for a person who has treated one badly?
Imagine that you are Joseph. Years back, your brothers sold you as a slave. Now, you are a leader in Egypt. Judah, not realizing who you are, describes the pain your father would feel if he lost your younger brother. Moved to tears, you declare, “I am your brother Joseph...”
In his Palm Tree of Deborah, Rabbi Moshe Cordovero encourages us to show love to those who once deserved our love and then mistreated us. By “recalling to their merit the good that they accomplished in their childhood...you will find no one undeserving of a good turn, of having a prayer recited for their welfare, and of being a recipient of one's love.”
This is not a simple matter. Yet, Joseph shows that sometimes it is possible to rekindle the light of a once-deserved love.
(18) Then Judah went up to him and said, “Please, my lord, let your servant appeal to my lord, and do not be impatient with your servant, you who are the equal of Pharaoh.
We told my lord, ‘We have an old father, and there is a child of his old age, the youngest; his full brother is dead, so that he alone is left of his mother, and his father dotes on him.’
ואחיו מת AND HIS BROTHER IS DEAD — He uttered this untruth out of fear. He thought: if I tell him that he is alive he may say “Bring him to me”.
(א) כי עבדך ערב את הנער. וְאִם תֹּאמַר, לָמָּה אֲנִי נִכְנָס לַתִּגָּר יוֹתֵר מִשְּׁאָר אַחַי? הֵם כֻּלָּם מִבַּחוּץ וַאֲנִי נִתְקַשַּׁרְתִּי בְקֶשֶׁר חָזָק לִהְיוֹת מְנֻדֶּה בב' עוֹלָמוֹת:
(1) כי עבדך ערב את הנער FOR THY SERVANT BECAME SURETY FOR THE LAD — Should you ask why I enter into the contest (champion his cause) more strongly than my other brothers — then I tell you: I have more to lose; they all stand outside the matter (are less concerned with it than I am), but I have placed myself under a firm bond to be an outcast in both worlds.
(ל) וְעַתָּ֗ה כְּבֹאִי֙ אֶל־עַבְדְּךָ֣ אָבִ֔י וְהַנַּ֖עַר אֵינֶ֣נּוּ אִתָּ֑נוּ וְנַפְשׁ֖וֹ קְשׁוּרָ֥ה בְנַפְשֽׁוֹ׃ (לא) וְהָיָ֗ה כִּרְאוֹת֛וֹ כִּי־אֵ֥ין הַנַּ֖עַר וָמֵ֑ת וְהוֹרִ֨ידוּ עֲבָדֶ֜יךָ אֶת־שֵׂיבַ֨ת עַבְדְּךָ֥ אָבִ֛ינוּ בְּיָג֖וֹן שְׁאֹֽלָה׃ (לב) כִּ֤י עַבְדְּךָ֙ עָרַ֣ב אֶת־הַנַּ֔עַר מֵעִ֥ם אָבִ֖י לֵאמֹ֑ר אִם־לֹ֤א אֲבִיאֶ֙נּוּ֙ אֵלֶ֔יךָ וְחָטָ֥אתִי לְאָבִ֖י כָּל־הַיָּמִֽים׃ (לג) וְעַתָּ֗ה יֵֽשֶׁב־נָ֤א עַבְדְּךָ֙ תַּ֣חַת הַנַּ֔עַר עֶ֖בֶד לַֽאדֹנִ֑י וְהַנַּ֖עַר יַ֥עַל עִם־אֶחָֽיו׃ (לד) כִּי־אֵיךְ֙ אֶֽעֱלֶ֣ה אֶל־אָבִ֔י וְהַנַּ֖עַר אֵינֶ֣נּוּ אִתִּ֑י פֶּ֚ן אֶרְאֶ֣ה בָרָ֔ע אֲשֶׁ֥ר יִמְצָ֖א אֶת־אָבִֽי׃ (א) וְלֹֽא־יָכֹ֨ל יוֹסֵ֜ף לְהִתְאַפֵּ֗ק לְכֹ֤ל הַנִּצָּבִים֙ עָלָ֔יו וַיִּקְרָ֕א הוֹצִ֥יאוּ כָל־אִ֖ישׁ מֵעָלָ֑י וְלֹא־עָ֤מַד אִישׁ֙ אִתּ֔וֹ בְּהִתְוַדַּ֥ע יוֹסֵ֖ף אֶל־אֶחָֽיו׃ (ב) וַיִּתֵּ֥ן אֶת־קֹל֖וֹ בִּבְכִ֑י וַיִּשְׁמְע֣וּ מִצְרַ֔יִם וַיִּשְׁמַ֖ע בֵּ֥ית פַּרְעֹֽה׃ (ג) וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יוֹסֵ֤ף אֶל־אֶחָיו֙ אֲנִ֣י יוֹסֵ֔ף הַע֥וֹד אָבִ֖י חָ֑י וְלֹֽא־יָכְל֤וּ אֶחָיו֙ לַעֲנ֣וֹת אֹת֔וֹ כִּ֥י נִבְהֲל֖וּ מִפָּנָֽיו׃
(30) “Now, if I come to your servant my father and the boy is not with us—since his own life is so bound up with his— (31) when he sees that the boy is not with us, he will die, and your servants will send the white head of your servant our father down to Sheol in grief. (32) Now your servant has pledged himself for the boy to my father, saying, ‘If I do not bring him back to you, I shall stand guilty before my father forever.’ (33) Therefore, please let your servant remain as a slave to my lord instead of the boy, and let the boy go back with his brothers. (34) For how can I go back to my father unless the boy is with me? Let me not be witness to the woe that would overtake my father!” (1) Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone withdraw from me!” So there was no one else about when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. (2) His sobs were so loud that the Egyptians could hear, and so the news reached Pharaoh’s palace. (3) Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph. Is my father still well?” But his brothers could not answer him, so dumfounded were they on account of him.
(ב) ותחי רוח יעקב. שָׁרְתָה עָלָיו שְׁכִינָה, שֶׁפֵּרְשָׁה מִמֶּנּוּ:
(2) ותחי רוח יעקב THE SPIRIT OF JACOB [THEIR FATHER] REVIVED — The Shechinah that had departed from him, rested again upon him (cf. Onkelos).
(א) כל הנפש הבאה ליעקב. שֶׁיָּצְאוּ מֵאֶרֶץ כְּנַעַן לָבֹא לְמִצְרַיִם; ...מָצָאתִי בְּוַיִּקְרָא רַבָּה, עֵשָׂו שֵׁשׁ נְפָשׁוֹת הָיוּ לוֹ, וְהַכָּתוּב קוֹרֵא אוֹתָן נַפְשׁוֹת בֵּיתוֹ, לְשׁוֹן רַבִּים, לְפִי שֶׁהָיוּ עוֹבְדִין לֶאֱלֹהוּת הַרְבֵּה; יַעֲקֹב שִׁבְעִים הָיוּ לוֹ, וְהַכָּתוּב קוֹרֵא אוֹתָן נֶפֶשׁ, לְפִי שֶׁהָיָה עוֹבְדִים לְאֵל אֶחָד:
(1) כל הנפש הבאה ליעקב EVERY SOUL THAT WAS COMING WITH JACOB — every soul that left Canaan to go to Egypt ...In Vayikra Rabbah 4:6 I found the following: When he left Canaan (cf. Genesis 36:6) Esau’s family consisted of only six (himself and his five sons), and Scripture calls them “the souls of his house” (in the plural) and this is because they worshipped many gods (each serving a different god and having as it were, a different soul or religious feeling). But the family of Jacob when he came to Egypt consisted of seventy and Scripture calls them “soul”, in the singular, because they all served One God.
(יח) מִי־אֵ֣-ל כָּמ֗וֹךָ נֹשֵׂ֤א עָוֺן֙ וְעֹבֵ֣ר עַל־פֶּ֔שַׁע לִשְׁאֵרִ֖ית נַחֲלָת֑וֹ לֹא־הֶחֱזִ֤יק לָעַד֙ אַפּ֔וֹ כִּֽי־חָפֵ֥ץ חֶ֖סֶד הֽוּא׃ (יט) יָשׁ֣וּב יְרַֽחֲמֵ֔נוּ יִכְבֹּ֖שׁ עֲוֺֽנֹתֵ֑ינוּ וְתַשְׁלִ֛יךְ בִּמְצֻל֥וֹת יָ֖ם כָּל־חַטֹּאותָֽם׃ (כ) תִּתֵּ֤ן אֱמֶת֙ לְיַֽעֲקֹ֔ב חֶ֖סֶד לְאַבְרָהָ֑ם אֲשֶׁר־נִשְׁבַּ֥עְתָּ לַאֲבֹתֵ֖ינוּ מִ֥ימֵי קֶֽדֶם׃
(18) Who is a God like You, Forgiving iniquity And remitting transgression; Who has not maintained His wrath forever Against the remnant of His own people, Because He loves graciousness! (19) He will take us back in love; He will cover up our iniquities, You will hurl all our sins Into the depths of the sea. (20) You will keep faith with Jacob, Loyalty to Abraham, As You promised on oath to our fathers In days gone by.
(א) הי"ג - מימי קדם - הֲרֵי מִדָּה שֶׁיֵּשׁ לְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עִם יִשְׂרָאֵל כְּשֶׁתַּמָּה זְכוּת וְכַיּוֹצֵא מַה יַעֲשֶׂה וַהֲרֵי הֵם מִצַּד עַצְמָם אֵינָם הֲגוּנִים, כְּתִיב (יִרְמִיָה ב, ב): "זָכַרְתִּי לָךְ חֶסֶד נְעוּרַיִךְ אַהֲבַת כְּלוּלֹתָיִךְ" מַמָּשׁ זוֹכֵר הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא יְמֵי קַדְמוֹנִים, אַהֲבָה שֶׁהָיָה מִקֹּדֶם וּמְרַחֵם עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל וּבָזֶה יַזְכִּיר לָהֶם כָּל הַמִּצְוֹת שֶׁעָשׂוּ מִיּוֹם שֶׁנּוֹלְדוּ וְכָל מִדּוֹת טוֹבוֹת שֶׁהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מַנְהִיג בָּהֶם עוֹלָמוֹ וּמִכֻּלָּם עוֹשֶׂה סְגֻלָּה לְרַחֵם בִּשְׁבִילָם, וַהֲרֵי זוֹ הַמִּדָּה כּוֹלֶלֶת כָּל הַמִּדּוֹת כֻּלָּם כִּדְפֵרְשׁוּ בָּאִדְרָא (זֹהַר נָשֹׂא קלד:).
(ב) כָּךְ הָאָדָם יְתַקֵּן הַנְהָגָתוֹ עִם בְּנֵי אָדָם שֶׁאֲפִלּוּ שֶׁלֹּא יִמְצָא טַעֲנָה מֵאֵלּוּ הַנִּזְכָּרוֹת יֹאמַר כְּבָר הָיוּ שָׁעָה קֹדֶם שֶׁלֹּא חָטְאוּ וַהֲרֵי אֹתָהּ שָׁעָה אוֹ בְּיָמִים קַדְמוֹנִים הָיוּ כְּשֵׁרִים וְיִזְכֹּר לָהֶם הַטּוֹבָה שֶׁעָשׂוּ בְּקַטְנוּתָם וְיִזְכֹּר לָהֶם אַהֲבַת גְּמוּלֵי מֵחָלָב עַתִּיקֵי מִשָּׁדָיִם וּבָזֶה לֹא יִמָּצֵא אָדָם שֶׁאֵינוֹ רָאוּי לְהֵטִיבוֹ וּלְהִתְפַּלֵּל עַל שְׁלוֹמוֹ וּלְרַחֵם עָלָיו.
Rabbi Moshe Cordovero
(1) The thirteenth measure: "In days gone by" - The Holy One, blessed be He, treats Israel with this trait when they have exhausted their merit. How should He act? After all, they are not worthy in their own right. It is written (Jeremiah 2:2), "I accounted to your favor The devotion of your youth, Your love as a bride" - the Holy One, blessed be He, actually remembers the days of yore, the love that He had from before, and shows love to Israel. Thus, He calls to mind for their sake all the commandments that they performed from the day they were born and all of the good measures by with which the Holy One, blessed be He, directs His world. Of all these elements He produces a special quality to show mercy to them. This trait includes all of the measures [of mercy], as explained in the Idra (Zohar, Nasso, p. 134b).
(2) So [should] one relate with others. Even if one does not find a basis for mercy among those mentioned [elsewhere in the work], one should say, "There was a time when that person did not sin. Indeed, at that time, in those earlier days, that person was fitting [and deserving of my affection]." One [should] account to their merit the good that they accomplished in their childhood, and remember for them the love of the 'ones weaned from milk, removed from the breasts.' With this perspective, you will find no one undeserving of a good turn, of having a prayer recited for their welfare, and of being a recipient of one's love. ...