You Gotta Love 'Em: The Jewish Value of Honoring Parents

What is the nature of the mitzvah or commandment to honor our parents?

(יב) כַּבֵּ֥ד אֶת־אָבִ֖יךָ וְאֶת־אִמֶּ֑ךָ לְמַ֙עַן֙ יַאֲרִכ֣וּן יָמֶ֔יךָ עַ֚ל הָאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁר־יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ נֹתֵ֥ן לָֽךְ׃ (ס)

Exodus 20:12

(12) Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure on the land that the LORD your God is assigning to you.

ויקרא י״ט:ג׳

(ג) אִ֣ישׁ אִמּ֤וֹ וְאָבִיו֙ תִּירָ֔אוּ וְאֶת־שַׁבְּתֹתַ֖י תִּשְׁמֹ֑רוּ אֲנִ֖י יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶֽם׃

Leviticus 19:3

(3) You shall each revere his mother and his father, and keep My sabbaths: I the LORD am your God.

רש"י על ויקרא י״ט:ג׳

(א) איש אמו ואביו תיראו. כָּל אֶחָד מִכֶּם תִּירְאוּ אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ, זֶהוּ פְשׁוּטוֹ; וּמִדְרָשׁוֹ: אֵין לִי אֶלָּא אִישׁ, אִשָּׁה מִנַּיִן? כְּשֶׁהוּא אוֹמֵר תִּירָאוּ הֲרֵי כָאן שְׁנַיִם, אִם כֵּן לָמָּה נֶאֱמַר אִישׁ? שֶׁהָאִישׁ סֵפֶק בְּיָדוֹ לַעֲשׂוֹת אֲבָל אִשָּׁה רְשׁוּת אֲחֵרִים עָלֶיהָ (ספרא; קידושין ל'): (ב) אמו ואביו תיראו. כָּאן הִקְדִּים אֵם לָאָב, לְפִי שֶׁגָּלוּי לְפָנָיו שֶׁהַבֵּן יָרֵא אֶת אָבִיו יוֹתֵר מֵאִמּוֹ, וּבַכָּבוֹד הִקְדִּים אָב לָאֵם, לְפִי שֶׁגָּלוּי לְפָנָיו שֶׁהַבֵּן מְכַבֵּד אֶת אִמּוֹ יוֹתֵר מֵאָבִיו, מִפְּנֵי שֶׁמְּשַׁדַּלְתּוֹ בִדְבָרִים (שם): (ג) ואת שבתתי תשמרו. סָמַךְ שַׁבָּת לְמוֹרָא אָב, לוֹמַר אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִזְהַרְתִּיךָ עַל מוֹרָא אָב, אִם יֹאמַר לְךָ חַלֵּל אֶת הַשַּׁבָּת, אַל תִּשְׁמַע לוֹ, וְכֵן בִּשְׁאָר כָּל הַמִּצְווֹת (בבא מציעא ל"ב): (ד) אני ה' אלהיכם. אַתָּה וְאָבִיךָ חַיָּבִים בִּכְבוֹדִי, לְפִיכָךְ לֹא תִשְׁמַע לוֹ לְבַטֵּל אֶת דְּבָרַי. אֵיזֶהוּ מוֹרָא? לֹא יֵשֵׁב בִּמְקוֹמוֹ וְלֹא יְדַבֵּר בִּמְקוֹמוֹ וְלֹא יִסְתֹּר אֶת דְּבָרָיו, וְאֵיזֶהוּ כָבוֹד? מַאֲכִיל וּמַשְׁקֶה, מַלְבִּישׁ וּמַנְעִיל, מַכְנִיס וּמוֹצִיא (קידושין ל"א):

Rashi on Leviticus 19:3

(1) איש אמו ואביו תראו means, EVERYONE OF YOU SHALL FEAR HIS MOTHER AND HIS FATHER; this is the literal sense. The Halachic explanation of the verse, however, is as follows: Since Scripture says איש I have here only the law that a man must fear his father and his mother, whence do I know that this applies also to a woman? Because Scripture states תיראו (in the plural), it is evident therefore that it speaks here of two (man and woman). But if this be so (that Scripture means to include a woman also) why does it use the term איש, a man? Because it is the man who has the means to do it, whilst the woman is under the control of others (what she does is dependent upon her husband’s consent)(Sifra, Kedoshim, Section 1 3; Kiddushin 30b). (2) אמו ואביו תיראו EVERYBODY OF YOU SHALL FEAR HIS MOTHER AND HIS FATHER — Here Scripture mentions the mother before the father because it is manifest to Him that the child fears the father more than the mother and therefore by mentioning the mother first Scripture stresses the duty of fearing her. In the case of honoring one's parents, however, Scripture mentions the father before the mother because it is manifest to Him that the child honors the mother more than the father because she endeavors to win him over by kindly words. Therefore by mentioning the father first Scripture emphasizes the duty of honoring him (Kiddushin 30b - Kiddushin 31a). (3) ואת שבתתי תשמרו AND MY SABBATHS SHALL YE KEEP — Scripture places the commandment of observing the Sabbath immediately after that of fearing one’s father in order to suggest the following: “Although I admonish you regarding the fear due to your father, yet if he bids you: "Desecrate the Sabbath", do not listen to him” — and the same is the case with any of the other commandments. This, it is evident, is the meaning since Scripture adds — (4) אני ה' אלהיכם “I am the Lord your God" (the plural) — both you and your father are equally bound to honour Me! Do not therefore obey him if it results in making My words of no effect (Sifra, Kedoshim, Section 1 10; Bava Metzia 32a). — What is implied in the term מורא? That one should not sit in his (the father's) seat, nor speak in his stead (i. e. when he is expected to speak), nor contradict his words. And what is implied in the term כבוד? That the child gives the parents to eat and to drink, provides them with clothes and shoes, leads them into the room and out if they are infirm (Kiddushin 31b).

קידושין ל״א ב:י״ד

ת"ר איזהו מורא ואיזהו כיבוד מורא לא עומד במקומו ולא יושב במקומו ולא סותר את דבריו ולא מכריעו כיבוד מאכיל ומשקה מלביש ומכסה מכניס ומוציא

Kiddushin 31b:14

The Sages taught: What is fear and what is honor? Fear of one’s father includes the following: One may not stand in his father’s fixed place, and may not sit in his place, and may not contradict his statements by expressing an opinion contrary to that of his father, and he may not choose sides when his father argues with someone else. What is considered honor? He gives his father food and drink, dresses and covers him, and brings him in and takes him out for all his household needs.

What is a parents' obligation to their child? It's not what you might think...

קידושין כ״ט א:י׳

תנינא להא דת"ר האב חייב בבנו למולו ולפדותו וללמדו תורה ולהשיאו אשה וללמדו אומנות וי"א אף להשיטו במים

Kiddushin 29a:10

The Gemara comments: According to this interpretation, we learn in this mishna that which the Sages taught in a baraita: A father is obligated with regard to his son to circumcise him, and to redeem him if he is a firstborn son who must be redeemed by payment to a priest, and to teach him Torah, and to marry him, and to teach him a trade. And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim.

Now the Gemara explores the limits of this mitzvah: how far must we go to honor our parents? Here we see examples of how much we must sacrifice and endure for the sake of honoring parents.

קידושין ל״א א:ח׳

בעו מיניה מרב עולא עד היכן כיבוד אב ואם אמר להם צאו וראו מה עשה עובד כוכבים אחד באשקלון ודמא בן נתינה שמו פעם אחת בקשו חכמים פרקמטיא בששים ריבוא שכר והיה מפתח מונח תחת מראשותיו של אביו ולא ציערו

Kiddushin 31a:8

The Sages raised a dilemma before Rav Ulla: How far must one go to fulfill the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother? Rav Ulla said to them: Go and see what one gentile did in Ashkelon, and his name was Dama ben Netina. Once the Sages sought to purchase merchandise [perakmatya] from him for six hundred thousand gold dinars’ profit, but the key for the container in which the merchandise was kept was placed under his father’s head, and he was sleeping at the time. And Dama ben Netina would not disturb his father by waking him, although he could have made a substantial profit.

קידושין ל״ב א:ו׳

ת"ש שאלו את ר"א עד היכן כיבוד אב ואם אמר להם כדי שיטול ארנקי ויזרקנו לים בפניו ואינו מכלימו ואי אמרת משל אב מאי נפקא לי' מיניה בראוי ליורשו

Kiddushin 32a:6

Come and hear: They asked Rabbi Eliezer how far one must go in honoring his father and mother. Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Such that the father takes a purse and throw it into the sea in front of his son, and the son does not embarrass him. And if you say that the son honors him from the money of the father, what difference does it make to the son? Why would the son care if his father throws away his own purse? The Gemara answers: This is referring to a son who is fit to inherit from him. Since the son thinks that the money will eventually belong to him, he has cause for anger.

קידושין ל״א א:י״ג

כי אתא רב דימי אמר פעם אחת היה לבוש סירקון של זהב והיה יושב בין גדולי רומי ובאתה אמו וקרעתו ממנו וטפחה לו על ראשו וירקה לו בפניו ולא הכלימה

Kiddushin 31a:13

When Rav Dimi came from Eretz Yisrael to Babylonia, he said: Once Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon] of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face, and yet he did not embarrass her.

קידושין ל״א א:י״ד

תני אבימי בריה דרבי אבהו יש מאכיל לאביו פסיוני וטורדו מן העולם ויש מטחינו בריחים

Kiddushin 31a:14

Avimi, son of Rabbi Abbahu, taught: There is a type of son who feeds his father pheasant [pasyonei] and yet this behavior causes him to be removed from the World, i.e., the World-to-Come; and there is one who makes him grind with a millstone, which is difficult work, and this action brings him to the life of the world to come.

The Gemara acknowledges that while honoring your parents is difficult, some people can go overboard. This is not a matter about which to be arrogant or boastful.

קידושין ל״א ב:ה׳

רבי טרפון הוה ליה ההיא אמא דכל אימת דהות בעיא למיסק לפוריא גחין וסליק לה וכל אימת דהות נחית נחתת עלויה אתא וקא משתבח בי מדרשא אמרי ליה עדיין לא הגעת לחצי כיבוד כלום זרקה ארנקי בפניך לים ולא הכלמתה

Kiddushin 31b:5

The Gemara relates: Rabbi Tarfon had a certain manner of treating his mother, that whenever she wished to ascend into her bed he would bend over and help her to ascend, and whenever she wished to descend from the bed, she would descend onto him. He came and praised himself in the study hall for performing the mitzva of honoring one’s father and mother so thoroughly. They said to him: You still have not reached even half of the honor due to her. Has it ever happened that she threw a purse into the sea in front of you, and you did not embarrass her?

Sometimes it is difficult or even impossible to honor our parents due to the circumstances. Here the Gemara brings up such cases: of orphans, parents with dementia, and parents whose honor requires particular demands.

קידושין ל״א ב:ו׳

רבי יוחנן כי עברתו אמו מת אביו ילדתו מתה אמו וכן אביי איני והאמר אביי אמרה לי אם ההיא מרבינתיה הואי

Kiddushin 31b:6

The Gemara relates that Rabbi Yoḥanan himself never saw his parents. When his mother was pregnant with him, his father died; and when she gave birth to him, his mother died. And the same is true of Abaye. The Gemara asks: Is that so, that Abaye never saw his mother? But didn’t Abaye say on many occasions: My mother told me? The Gemara answers: That mother was actually his foster mother, not his birth mother.

קידושין ל״א ב:ז׳

רב אסי הוה ליה ההיא אמא זקינה אמרה לי' בעינא תכשיטין עבד לה בעינא גברא נייעין לך בעינא גברא דשפיר כותך שבקה ואזל לארעא דישראל

Kiddushin 31b:7

Rav Asi had an elderly mother. She said to him: I want jewelry, and he made jewelry for her. She said to him: I want a man whom I can marry, and he said to her: I will seek one for you. She said to him: I want a husband who is as handsome as you. At this point, he realized that she was senile, and that he would be unable to fulfill all her requests. Therefore, he left her and went to Eretz Yisrael.

קידושין ל״א ב:ד׳

אמר ליה רב יעקב בר אבוה לאביי כגון אנא דעד דאתינא מבי רב אבא מדלי לי כסא ואמא מזגה לי היכי איעביד א"ל מאמך קביל ומאבוך לא תקבל דכיון דבר תורה הוא חלשה דעתיה

Kiddushin 31b:4

Rav Ya’akov bar Avuh said to Abaye: With regard to one such as I, so beloved by my parents that before I return from the study hall my father brings me a cup and my mother pours for me, how should I act? Is it disrespectful to accept this honor from them? Abaye said to him: Accept it from your mother, but do not accept it from your father, as, since he is a Torah scholar he will be disheartened if his son does not show him the proper level of respect.