My least favorite part of the machzor, even including Tefilah Zaka, is the extended explanation of Vidui that both the Artscroll and the Koren Sacks machzorim include at the end. Both books expand upon the litany of sins in a way that makes me feel resentful, uncomfortable, and a bit like yelling "how dare you pretend you know what I go through". I don't feel like the person in that vidui and that, in turn, wrecks my concentration during the rest of the tefilah.
Which is unfortunate, because I actually love the tune for vidui and I'm not opposed to the idea. There are things I regret, things I wish I didn't do, ways I wish I didn't think or speak and, perhaps most importantly, things I wished that I wished that I didn't do. But in one area, more than any other, I feel the need to lay my sins at God's feet and say "please, please, take these from me because I cannot hold up under them."
When it comes to body image and how I treat and see myself, גדול עוני מנשא. My sin is too great to bear. It is not entirely a sin of my own making, but it is a morass I have fallen into nonetheless.
So I offer this extended vidui of my own to take into Yom Kippur and keep in mind as I beat my chest. And I recite it not because I feel guilty - although I do - but because Yom Kippur is the day of Atonement. A day that, by its very nature, itself atones. This is the day when God reaches out and wipes our sins clean for us.
Here are mine, God. I list them so I need bear them no longer.
As a note, Vidui is written and said in the plural because it isn't "supposed" to be a litany of personal failings. (For those who feel keenly the sting of guilt and who keep themselves awake at night because of things they did over a decade ago, the plural language is cold comfort.) I'm keeping that conceit because I have a feeling that, for all that this list is personal, it does not apply to me alone.
For the translations, I mostly used the Koren Sacks edition unless I felt strongly otherwise.
אָשַֽׁמְנוּ.
We have sinned.
From the root meaning guilt, we have made our bodies the site of our guilt and our shame. We have felt guilty for taking up space, for needing food, for being as we are in the world.
בָּגַֽדְנוּ.
We have acted treacherously.
We have betrayed our bodies by refusing to listen to our needs and to our limits. We promised to take care of ourselves and then we betrayed that promise.
גָּזַֽלְנוּ.
We have robbed.
We have stolen our own accomplishments from ourselves, downplayed our successes, and deliberately devalued the good that we do.
דִּבַּֽרְנוּ דֹּֽפִי.
We have spoken slander
We've said some pretty awful things about ourselves and spoken about ourselves with the kind of vitriol that we would never countenance hearing someone say about a friend.
הֶעֱוִֽינוּ.
We have acted perversely.
We have self-sabotaged and acted in ways that set ourselves up to fail and then hated ourselves for failing.
וְהִרְשַֽׁעְנוּ.
We have condemned.
We passed judgement on the behavior of others for not acting like us, especially when they acted with a freedom and comfort we do not allow ourselves to have.
זַֽדְנוּ.
We have acted presumptuously.
We assumed we knew what was best without actually acknowledging our real needs and wants.
חָמַֽסְנוּ.
We have acted violently.
We hurt ourselves, sometimes on purpose and sometimes physically, to punish ourselves for not being what we thought we ought to be.
טָפַֽלְנוּ שֶֽׁקֶר.
We have made our lies ancillary
Not only have we lied to ourselves, we have downplayed the importance of those lies and pretended that the ways in which we've lied to ourselves don't matter. In doing that, we make it harder than ever to trust ourselves.
יָעַֽצְנוּ רָע.
We have given bad advice.
We sought out advice for "healthy" eating and living that did not have our best interests at heart and cared more about selling an ideal of thinness than helping us take real care of our bodies. And then we passed that advice on.
כִּזַּֽבְנוּ.
We have deceived.
We tried to trick ourselves into believing that the harmful things we did to ourselves were for our benefit.
לַֽצְנוּ.
We have mocked.
We looked at ourselves in the mirror and made cruel fun of the person we saw there.
מָרַֽדְנוּ.
We rebelled.
When we tried to let go and be free of self-loathing, we revolted against the very idea and clung to harmful, familiar habits.
נִאַֽצְנוּ.
We have provoked.
We found our own psychological sore spots and, instead of taking care of ourselves and our hurts, poked at them endlessly.
סָרַֽרְנוּ.
We have turned away.
Despite cheering on friends and being supportive, we turned away when we should have been our own cheerleaders.
עָוִֽינוּ.
We sinned deliberately.
And in the moment when we did something that we knew better than to do, we berated ourselves both for doing what we shouldn't and for not being able to stop despite the knowledge.
פָּשַֽׁעְנוּ.
We transgressed.
Sometimes we mess up and make mistakes. Please, God, we confess those too so that we can let them go.
צָרַֽרְנוּ.
We have caused our friends pain.
Through thoughtless comments, often aimed self-deprecatingly, we have made others feel bad and made our friends wonder "if they say that about themselves, what must they think of me?" Without intending to, we have made things harder for those struggling with the same things that we are.
קִשִּֽׁינוּ עֹֽרֶף.
We have been obstinate.
We can be impressively, impossibly stubborn. Especially when it comes to refusing to see our own value.
רָשַֽׁעְנוּ.
We made ourselves wicked.
We called ourselves wicked and bad. We defined ourselves as רשעים, often for the silliest and saddest of reasons.
שִׁחַֽתְנוּ.
We have corrupted.
We took normal actions like eating, drinking, resting, and sitting around and imbued them with moral valence. We turned them into sins and then judged ourselves for committing the sins of our own creation.
תִּעַֽבְנוּ.
We have acted abominably.
Towards ourselves sometimes more than to others.
תָּעִֽינוּ.
We have strayed
We have tried, in the past, to change the way we think about ourselves and we have strayed from that path. And we probably will again.
תִּעְתָּֽעְנוּ.
We have led others astray.
Despite our best efforts, all this toxic ideology is making its way to the next generation and we haven't figured out how to stop it.
These are not my sins alone to bear. My thought patterns, the way I learned to think about my body, my mind, my sense of self is a product of brain chemistry, environment, the culture we live in, and so much more. And yet there's a difference between recognizing blame and abrogating responsibility.
They may not be my fault, but they are still my sins. For sins like this, with the weight of the world behind them and thrust of the sin directed at the person trying to repent, it's time to call on some Divine aid, as we do during the "Al Chets".
וְעַל כֻּלָּם אֱלֽוֹהַּ סְלִיחוֹת. סְלַח לָֽנוּ. מְחַל לָֽנוּ. כַּפֶּר לָֽנוּ:
And for all these things, God of Forgiveness, forgive us, wipe us clean, grant us atonement.
Translating סְלַח לָֽנוּ as forgive us loses a bit of the nuance of the Hebrew. לנו more properly means "to us" so a better rendition might be "Give to us forgiveness, give to us a clean start, grant to us atonement." We are not necessarily apologizing to God in this litany of sins, but we are asking God for the chance to be forgiven nonetheless. For sins committed against a person, one must ask forgiveness from that person to be forgiven.
How do we forgive ourselves? How do we simultaneously hold the knowledge of the sin and also hold absolution? I don't think I can do that. Sins can be sticky.
So, for all these things I have done, and said, and thought to and about myself, God who holds forgiveness, give me the possibility of forgiveness, give me the chance to start anew, grant me the sense that I have atoned.
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If this happens to speak to you, please feel free to take it, print it, keep it with you, modify it in any way that you see fit. It was written by a cisgendered woman and bears some of those marks pretty clearly so do PLEASE change it so it speaks to you and what you need.
If you choose to re-distribute it, I only ask that you leave my name on it somewhere and that you also make it freely available and shareable as I have done here.